Speech by Philip Dillon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Philip Dillon
Speech Date: Sep 1999
Intro
Afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I am the Best Man and for those who don't know me, my name is Phil.

Thank the Groom
First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Dave for his kind sentiments and I think everybody would agree that they both look gorgeous and have done a splendid job in making today a very emotional event – look! even the cake is in tiers. Nice one ladies.

Queen Mum Joke
Actually it is a great honour to be asked to be a Best Man…as well as terrifying . Somebody once said that being asked to be a best man is like being asked to snog the Queen mother – It's a great honour but no one really wants to do it.

Intro to how I became best man & Jokes
When Dave asked me to do the duty, my first thought was wow best man what an honour, groovy. My second though was a suspicious why? What had I done wrong? However duty bound, I proceeded to investigate what this role entails in a book entitled "The best man's checklist" however this only led to me being mystified by some of the things I was expected to do: 1 First of all I was to help the groom to dress- thanks but no if he hasn't learned by now… 2 Ensure the groom: uses the toilet – nah! 3 His shoes are tied – check 4 His face and hair are in order (Well if God didn't put them in order the first time round, what hope do I have?) 5 Nothing is between his teeth (or should that be his ears?) 6 That his trouser flies are done up (mmm perhaps his mum should be best man)

With regards to myself, I think that my duties as Best Man to get Dave here: ON TIME, which is a first SOBER, which is unusual AND SMART, which is unheard of have been successful!

HOW I KNOW DAVE.

I've known Dave for about 15 years we met when I moved to Daves village Oilgate. It was through our mutual love of beer that we became good friends at 15 years of age we walked into our first pub and ordered a drink in a voice John Wayne would have been proud of and managed to get drunk on 2 pints of beer ( that's all behind us now) Dave was the first one to show me the art of attracting the opposite sex, needless to say I spent my teenage years a lonely man

So I'd just like to say Dave, you are a lucky groom; you've married Liz today and she's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. And she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one.

WORDS OF ADVICE

Dave, remember the key to a happy marriage is to remember those 3 little words "YOUR RIGHT DEAR!!!!!!!!!" Liz, If you love something, set it free, If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with, If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

And now to the cards:

Dave you are an excellent friend and it has truly been an honour being your Bestman. Liz is a lovely person, she deserves a good husband , and it looks to me as if she has found one in you.

On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled long distances. I started planning this speech six months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Dave and Liz, Mr and Mrs Nxxxx no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

To Liz and Dave