Speech by Philip Farrell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Philip Farrell
Speech Date: sep 2003
For the purpose of the tape, I will not be using any four letter words today, so I have taken out the words, – Jxxx, Love, Golf, Beer, Lady, and Boys.

(Throw large pile of paper to the floor)

Seriously, Good afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Phil, for those of you who do I can only apologise. I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a fantastic day so far, but every silver lining has a cloud and you now have to listen to me.

To start with I'd like to say thank you Jxxx for asking me to be your best man. I can only compare it with snogging the Queen, a great privilege but no one really wants to do it.

Jxxx did give me a brief for the speech, he said “be amusing and dazzle them with your wit”. Trouble is I'm not that funny, the best I can do is dazzle you with the light reflecting of my head…

Rest assured though, unlike most best man speeches which are full of cheap sexual innuendo, I've promised Jxxx and Cxxxxxxxx that's if there's anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Jxxx for his kind words and gifts. I think you'll all agree they have done a tremendous job and they all look absolutely fantastic (Request a cheer). They're only eclipsed by Cxxxxxxxx herself, who I'm sure you'll all agree looks absolutely stunning (Request a bigger cheer).
Secondly, thanks of course must go to Jxxx'x mum Sxxxx and Cxxxxxxxx'x mum Lxxxxxxx for the wonderful hospitality we have received today. It must seem strange to Lxxxxxxx seeing her little girl getting married today. It must seem like only yesterday that Cxxxxxxxx was a baby running around with a big dummy and now here she is with Jxxx……… well I guess some things never change!
Now this is the point in my speech were I'm supposed to sing Jxxx'x praises and tell you wonderful stories about him. Well Ladies and Gentlemen I can't sing and I won't lie.
As I've known Jxxx for over 20 years there are many stories to tell, but fortunately for Jxxx, the alcohol-based nature of those nights has prevented me from remembering most of them…well the ones I can tell you about.
I've specifically been asked not to talk about long distance telephone calls to Guyana and crushed velvet dresses…………………… If you'd like to know more see me at the bar later when I've had a few Stellas.
Jxxx was born on 6th April, 1972. Now, 6th April is not a very interesting day. Loads of famous people were born on the 5th, such as Bette Davis, Colin Powell, Gerry Francis, Shirley Bassey and Danny La Rue. So, the 5th is obviously a very busy day for God and he takes a bit of a rest on the 6th, which explains a lot about our Jxxx………
At playschool Jxxx was different from all the other kids, they were 4 years old and he was 10. But in his defence he was a special child, so much so that he was put in all the special classes. By the time he was 12 Jxxx had started reading his first book and by the time he was 14 he'd finished it.
Although I was at primary school with Jxxx for a couple of years our friendship really developed at Cxxxxxx secondary school. Jxxx, I think it's fair to say that we drifted rather than sailed through those years mate!

Since those by-gone days he's has launched into a successful career (or so he tells me) working for Her Majesty's Government. He met Cxxxxxxxx (I think we can believe that one) at Ed's wedding, they fell in love, got engaged, moved into their own home and the reason we are all here today, are now husband and wife (Request even bigger cheer).

I am certain that their relationship will continue to flourish. Jxxx once told me, in a confessional moment, that he thinks of Cxxxxxxxx all the time when he is away from her – especially if he's watching the Bill and someone gets handcuffed…..…

Seriously, I'd just like to say that Jxxx is a really great guy and I count myself very fortunate to be his friend. He's always been there when I've needed him, even if he's golf game wasn't. And that's cost me a few beers over the years I can tell you!

TELEGRAMS
I've got a few messages to read from people who unfortunately could not be here today:
And now for a few words of wisdom………
Jxxx, Cxxxxxxxx, Marriage in this day and age is far from easy. With all the external pressures of day-to-day life you will need to grow together in mutual trust and understanding whilst not forgetting what first brought you together. In other words, may your love be modern enough to survive the times; yet old-fashioned enough to last forever.
Jxxx, Cxxxxxxxx… It has been a privilege and an honour to be your best man today. I take this opportunity of wishing you every happiness together.
Ladies and gentleman, I would ask you to be upstanding and raise your glasses. The toast is to the new Mr & Mrs xxxxx, to Jxxx & Cxxxxxxxx.