Speech by Philip Lewis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Philip Lewis
Speech Date: Sep2004
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen

For those who don't know me, my name is Phil and as you may have guessed I am the Best Man. Before I start, let me just say that the formative years I spent in the company of the Groom means that he had as much a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please feel free to blame Rich if its not.

Firstly I would like to thank Rich on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind, warm-hearted words and for the gifts too.

It has been an honour for us all to play a small part in yours and Sara's big day. I'm sure you all agree that the Bridesmaids look fantastic and did a great job in getting Sara to the church this afternoon and as a result we see a radiant, beautiful and hopefully relaxed Bride.

I would also like to thank you all on behalf of Rich and Sara for sharing their wedding day. Particularly those who have travelled a long distance to be here today.

To start with I would like to say what a privilege it is to be Best Man, I was thrilled and honoured when Rich asked me to undertake this role. It only seems like yesterday when they both came back from their holiday to The Dominican Republic and announced their engagement. Proposing to Sara was not plain sailing though, being the true romantic that he is, Rich wanted to pop the question whilst they were walking on the beach in the sunset. However Sara was searching through his bag at the time and he was worried she might find the ring, so he ended up proposing to her in their hotel room! I think Sara was slightly taken aback as her immediate reply was ‘Are you joking’?! Well obviously not!!

When I learnt I was to be the Best Man, I was sure that in no uncertain terms will Sara be happy at all if Rich turned up to the church late and/or hungover. Bearing this in mind, I took Rich out for a quiet drink with the ushers as it was his last night of freedom. And I am pleased to report that when we got back Rich went straight to bed and slept like a baby. Quite literally, he wet his bed twice and woke up every 2 hours crying for his mummy!

I have to admit that I wasn't particularly sure of my overall role, so I took it upon myself to read lots of books and listen to much advice.

I found a checklist of duties to be undertaken on the day of the wedding, some of which I found quite confusing at first.

Firstly I had to help the groom dress – he should really be able to do this now after 24 years, but I did anyway.

Secondly, make sure he uses the toilet – I sent him in there but I wasn't going to make sure.

Thirdly, make sure his hair was done nice and tidy – well, those of you who know Rich really well know that the only person who touches his hair is himself!

And finally – make sure his flies are done up – that was where I gave up and thought that his mum should perhaps have been Best Man.

I'm sure you will all agree that Rich has scrubbed up very nicely!

I have known Rich for some 17 and a half years now, first meeting at Primary School in Coleford. We got on so well straight away and have been best friends ever since. I'm not sure whether it was his fantastic sense of humour which initially started our friendship in the first place our whether it was the fact that he had a breathtaking mullet like hairstyle. I found it fascinating! Knowing how Rich likes to keep up with fashion and the latest trends, don't be surprised to see him returning from the honeymoon with a flowing lock of hair. Memorable moments from Primary School include Rich being a perrenial top performer in the Easter Bonnet Competition, him showing everyone a clean pair of heels in the country dancing group, and us both goose-stepping across the stage to Gary Glitters ‘Do You Wanna Be In My Gang’ whilst wearing denim jackets and shades in front of the whole school. All this as part of a tribute night for one of the teachers! I'm pleased to say that Rich has significantly improved as a dancer since. Developing from the Primary School jumping up and down on the spot technique, to some very slick moves indeed, as you will no doubt see later. And do listen out for his Michael Jackson impression, it is legendary!

Unfortunately, we weren't always in the same classes, having been put into separate tutor groups. But by years 10 and 11 we were back together again in most subjects. From what I can remember Rich was a model pupil, never getting into trouble with the teachers and always doing his homework. What I can recall however, is that he was a very creative individual. He was very good at Art and was known for his ability to write humourous limericks and poems, and he wasn't afraid to let people know about this either. One particular day at school, Severn Sound Radio visited to do produce a radio programme and pupils were asked to volunteer to contribute. One after another, pupils came on air and did book reviews and recited poetry, all very run of the mill. Then Rich came along and decided his contribution was to perform a ‘rap’ live on air about litter and why it is bad to drop rubbish! Unfortunately the recording contract never came his way, but he sure made an impression.

Talking of impressions, there was no better example of this than on the night of our GCSE Certificate Presentation Evening at Lakers School. Every single pupil from our year was there , with their parents, all going up to the front of the hall one by one to collect their certificates when the Headmaster called the names out. It was quite an informal affair, everyone was wearing a shirt and trousers and many were just wearing jeans. Then Rich's name was called out next to go to the front! I looked round and their was Rich striding down the centre of the hall wearing black trousers, black shoes and a shiny gold coloured waistcoat complete with matching bow-tie. I have to say he looked very smart indeed, although I was wondering if he was en-route to a snooker tournament or was planning to enter a local karoake competition! Either way he sure would not have looked out of place with a snooker cue or microphone in his hand. He looked extrememly smart!

On the subject of being immaculately dressed, brings me nicely on to the Stag Doo in Blackpool. We all know what we are talking about here don't we Nurse Brackston? No doubt all of you have heard the stories and seen the photographic evidence, but I feel the need just to recap, mainly to embarrass Rich further. It was our final day in Blackpool and we were walking round the town centre, when we came across a medical shop called Alexandria which a few of the other guys had seen earlier in the day. It was at this point that we decided our theme for the night should be doctors and nurses. We all went into the shop and bought ourselves doctors coats, complete with stethoscopes and Rich went to choose his nurses outfit. It was at this point that he came out with easily the quote of the weekend. Bearing in mind he had just purchased his nurses uniform complete with a snazzy white belt, it was suggested by us that he also bought a nurses hat for the full effect. To which Rich replied, and I quote…’don't be stupid, I will look silly’!! I thought I knew Rich really well but obviously nowhere near as well as I thought. All I can say Sara is, beware and do lock your wardrobe up at all times! Eventually the shop assistant made a home-made nurses hat, and by the time we went out in the evening Rich was also wearing a pair of fake boobs, Ann Summers fish-net stockings and a plastic handbag from The Poundshop! I have never seen a nurse with such a masculine walk, it was a fantastic night.

It doesn't end there, Rich was lucky enough to have a second stag doo in Newport, were they went bowling and for a meal afterwards. I have collected evidence and eyewitness reports and everything was going swimmingly without controversy until they returned to Coleford. It was at this point that Rich was stripped down and dressed in a Carribean style dress and had a mixture of cat food, salmon, curry, tomato ketchup and flour chucked all over him. Unfortunately for Sara, who saw all this happen, Rich then saw fit to give here a hug! He then had to walk all the way back to Sara's, with Sara, and had to be hosed down by her dad before he could be let inside. Needless to say, I'm sure they won't be having curry for a while.

I have been wracking my brains to think of something that sets Rich apart from others, a trait which makes him unique. I was going to mention the fact that he still plays with lego, but then again I still have He-Men and Transformers in my cupboards. Undoubtedly though, it has to be his ability to spot a bargain which makes him stand out. I have never known anyone be able to find a pair of trousers for 50p! Not a week goes by when I hear of a fantastic saving he has made. Virtually without fail, you will find him spending his lunchtimes scouring the shops in Gloucester for deals, although I understand one of his most depressing moments is when he found out The Catalogue Bargain Shop had closed down!! He really is addicted to bargain spotting, so much so in fact, that when I phoned him the other week to discuss some minor details about the wedding, we had to cut short our conversation because he was waiting for Bid-Up TV to call him back regarding some shades he had just bought with £80 off!! He really is the archetypal Del Boy, so much so that I was considering buying him a yellow robin Reliant as a wedding present.

The traditional character assasination aside, Rich has been a truly wonderful friend to me and its been a fantastic honour to be your Best Man, it means an awful lot. In Sara you have someone who is beautiful, charming, loving and caring….and Sara you have a fantastic person in Rich, and someone who you know you will never have to pay the market price for anything!

READ CARDS

So it is with great pleasure ladies and gentleman, as I ask you to join me in standing and raising your glasses in a toast. Rich, Sara, here's to you both and many years of love, happiness, success and joy. To Rich and Sara!!

THE END