Speech by Philip

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Philip
Speech Date: Sep2005

Good Afternoon Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys and Girls.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Philip and for those of you that do … well I apologise.

Foolishly, “Groom” has given me the great honour of being best man on this very special day. Let me just say how grateful I am to have been chosen to speak at such a joyous occasion, the wedding of “Groom” and “Bride”.

I'm sure you'll agree, “Bride” looks absolutely stunning today.

“Groom”, on the other hand, just looks stunned.

At this point I would like to ask both “Groom” and “Bride” to take part in my speech. “Bride” will you please place your left/right hand on the table. “Groom” will you please place your left/right hand on top of “Bride”’s…..

Are you enjoying that?

“Groom” I would also like to thank you for finally admitting after all this time that I have known you, that I am the best man!

I am sure you will agree that the wedding has turned out to be a fabulous event, but for every silver lining there is a cloud, that is .. that you have to listen to me for a few minutes!

I do have a reputation for rabbiting on, so I will try and keep this as brief as possible.

JUST REMEMBER THE MORE YOU LAUGH THE SOONER IT'S OVER.

Before I begin, however, it is my duty to inform you of a couple of disclaimers before I proceed any further.

Disclaimer number one – My speech does NOT contain any original material – so if anyone is offended, it's got NOTHING to do with me!

Disclaimer number two – “Groom” and “Bride” have stated that should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the chairs and tables during my OVATION, they hold themselves in no way responsible for your actions!

And nor do I for that matter!

Disclaimer number three – The DVD of this wedding, if there is one, has been issued with an 18 certificate, some scenes may be offensive to small children and those of a nervous disposition. If you are watching this at home, please turn away for the next 10 minutes.

Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas? The obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.

After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but ….then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

By the way, if anyone is interested, I've got the other stuff on a disk in the car …

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I CAN'T SING, and I WON'T LIE

Apparently though there are some things I am NOT supposed to mention … for example;

1. “Groom”’s Impeccable fashion sense – which of course comes at a cost to “Bride”, in the fact it takes “Groom” at least 2 hours to get ready and is hence late for almost all social events. 2. “Groom”’s ex girlfriends ..… unfortunately they couldn't come today but they send their condolences to “Bride”.3. And of course the stag night – but fortunately, for all those who were there, the law of stag covers that.

The stag weekend itself was difficult to organise, partly because “Friend1” and “Friend2” had to do it and partly because getting money out of some of our friends is harder than getting blood from a stone.

On that note, I'd like to thank “Friend1” and “Friend2” for all the effort they put into organising the Stag, in particular the spectacular job “Friend1” did in getting a change of hotel at the last minute.

We did discuss the venue, and of course West Hampstead was out as a number of the stag group have been banned from most pubs there, therefore we decided that we had to go further a field, so a stag night was changed to a stag weekend.

We thought about Dublin, but it was no good, we had already been there and they hadn't forgotten. We tried Amsterdam, but were told politely not to bother by the Dutch authorities. This may have had something to do with the time “Groom”, “Friend4” and I, whilst on the Ferry from the Hook of Holland to Harwich were mistaken for a boy band back in 1994.

Edinburgh got a mention, but we settled on Bournemouth. This town was a good choice for two reasons. Firstly, it was far enough away from home for none of us to be recognised and secondly it was far enough away from home to prevent “Groom” from doing his usual Saturday night party trick of drinking like a fish for 2 hours, hurling abuse at his friends for being ‘lightweights’ and then hailing a taxi to some South London Club at 10pm on his own in a drunken stupor. Fortunately this didn't happen, not because “Groom” wasn't drunk, it was simply because no taxi driver in their right mind would let a shaven haired Tamil drunkard into their cab dressed in a French Maids outfit.

Fortunately for “Groom” and especially the rest of the stag team I've decided to adopt the hens’ precedent and remain silent on the stag do from hereon.

I was presented with a problem whilst thinking of what stories to tell you about “Groom” as I was searching for one that didn't begin with “we were in the pub”, or … “we'd been drinking all day”, or ….

I think you all know where I am going with this so as you can imagine … it could have been a very short speech.

I did recall a few escapades but I don't think “Groom” would appreciate me telling you of the time he was found hiding under the sink in “Friend3”’s room at university.

or the times he's danced topless in nightclubs and gone around ripping open his mate's shirts in an effort to get them to dance topless too. I think this has something to do with “Groom”’s “happy switch” which seems to be triggered after the consumption of approximately 4 pints of Stella.

or when he was evicted from the halls of residence at University for hiding in a cupboard during a fire drill so I won't mention these.

Instead of stories you will have to listen to my marital advise instead. I'm not sure I'm the best person to dish out advice! but I do have the following words of wisdom for the happy couple“Groom”;

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss – then do everything “Bride” says2. Secondly, Married Life Can Be Compared To Football … so, Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Make sure you change ends at half time and don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.However, “Bride” Assures Me That Playing Away From Home, Could Result In A Serious Groin Injury, And Is Definitely The Quickest Way Onto The Transfer List. (I thought it best not to mention anything about diving in the box.)3. Thirdly, remember the 5 rings; The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing, and the enduring. 4. Don't forget, if you buy her flowers, she knows you're guilty, and she will remember the last time you bought her some … AND the reason why!5. Lastly, there are three words you must never forget, ‘You're right dear’. as opposed to “When in Rome”

“Bride”The 5 key tips to a successful marriage.Find a man who will treat you right and always stand by your sideFind a man who will shower you with gifts and complimentsFind a man who will comfort you in times of trouble.Find a man who will please you and grant your every request.and most importantlyEnsure that each man does not know the other ones names.

But really “Groom”, you are one lucky man! In “Bride” you have found someone that is attractive, smart, funny and loving. And “Bride”, you have found (shrug) “Groom”?….

Have you still got your hands together? .… Good, goodI Spoke To Both “Groom” And “Bride” Before The Wedding And I Asked “Groom” What He Was Looking For In Marriage – He Said “Love, Happiness And Eventually A Family.”

When I Asked “Bride” The Same Question – She Replied – A Coffee Perculator!

Well, She Actually Said A “Perky Copulator” But I Knew What She Meant…I now have a few messages to read out from those who couldn't attend and those who weren't even invited,

Dear “Bride”, Good luck on your wedding day, and I hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently. Love Justin TimberlakeDear “Bride”, You forgot your thong and magic wand, we'll look after them for you

from the boys at the Golders Green Spice ClubDear “Groom”, You forgot your thong and magic wand, we'll look after them for you

from the boys at the Golders Green Spice ClubDear “Bride”, We've had “Groom” on trial here, we tried him in every position and he was useless. We hope you have more luck. from the boys on the football team.

The final, and most important task, of best man is knowing when enough is enough and I think that that time has arrived as I look down at my girlfriend and see her with her head in her hands, wondering “what have I done”

It has been an honour and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! And I honestly couldn't wish for a better friend to be best man for.

I think you will all agree that today, “Groom” truly is the best man and apart from “Bride” being the most stunning person in the room, she is also the luckiest.

Now, in case any of you are wondering why I asked “Groom” to place his hand on top of “Bride”’s, I will tell you now. “Groom”… as my final role, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last five minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand over “Bride”.

Ok that's me done, now before it's time to get drunk, there are a few more speeches, but first, the Toast.

Please all be standing and raise your glasses to Mr. & Mrs. Sunderalingam!!!

To the Bride and Groom!!