Speech by Phillip Harker

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phillip Harker
Speech Date: Sep 2008
Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Phil and I am to be your best man for the evening. I'd like to start off by saying how absolutely gorgeous Carol looks here tonight as I'm sure you'll all agree… and Ian doesn't look too bad either…even if he has blatantly copied most of what I'm wearing here tonight!

Now before I undertake the customary duty of giving Ian an uncomfortable few minutes I'd like to take this opportunity to ask you all to join me in showing your appreciation for those people who have helped make Ian and Carol's day so special.

Can you please put your hands together for the proud parents Ivor &amp Kerry and Alec &amp Val.

The Bridesmaids, I'm sure you'll all agree with that they all look fantastic here today. They've provided Carol with a lot of love and support here today…and let's face it, she just married Ian…she's going to need all the support she can get!

And the Ushers, whom I'm sure you'll agree have done an excellent job here today as well.

And finally, I'd like to thank all of you for coming here today and sharing such a special day with Ian and Carol.

Well Ian, I hope you made the most of your speech, now that you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!

I had a felt a little bit nervous about this speech but after preparing a few lines… and snorting them in the bathroom…I feel absolutely fine! I was worried about how long it should be, but a wise man told me it should only be as long as it takes the groom to make love on his wedding night…so sits down for a moment…actually I think I've over-run already so I do apologise for that, however, I do have a few more things left to say.

Every now and again you get the rare opportunity to talk about a man who's intelligent, charismatic, good looking and funny… but I'm not here to talk about myself, I'm here to talk about Ian.

It is an honour to be here on this special day and I'm sure you'll all agree it's been an amazing day so far…so I'll try not to ruin it for everybody…but more importantly for me it was nice for Ian to finally admit that after all these years I was in fact the best man.

Now as I've already mentioned it's a great honour to be Best Man and I wanted to make writing the speech as easy as possible so the obvious place to start looking for ideas seemed to be the Internet, and I began searching the web.
And after staying up for 48hrs straight I'd found some REALLY good stuff, especially on adult friend finder.com…but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but NONE of them were about a couple called Ian and Carol ….so it looked like it was down to me after all.

Now there comes a time in every person's life when the hand of destiny strikes and they meet their one true love…the person who will know and understand them and care for them for the rest of their lives. That moment came for Ian when he met me many years ago.

Ever since I first met Ian he's always liked playing and fiddling with something small. And as he's grown over the years this obsession has gotten bigger and bigger, as I'm sure Carol can probably confirm! I am of course talking about Ian's love of toys, whether it was children's toys, boy's toys or even the odd sex toy, Ian liked playing with it.

In fact I think I'm right in saying that the first love affair of Ian's that I witnessed involved a large toy and a lot of riding… I can remember that each time he cocked his leg over and took a firm grip with his hands a large smile would spread across his face…a smile that would stay there long after he had finished riding. Does any of this sound familiar at all Carol?! I don't think a motorbike has ever been ridden before with quite the same level of passion that Ian showed. In fact whilst watching Ian ride that bike there was really only one other thing which matched that level of passion…and that was his complete and utter reckless disregard for the safety of himself and some unlucky passenger riding on the back.

Imagine, if you can, Ian sat on the petrol tank, legs out to each side, no hands on the handle bars and deliberately rocking the bike side to side…and all of this as we flew down the road at 50mph …wondering if the 30yr old brakes, which hadn't been serviced in the last 29yrs, would actually work at the next corner. And Ian would normally do all of this without a helmet on as he could rarely get one to actually fit over his large head! Although it's nice to see that over the years Ian has tried to re-address that imbalance of having a large head by filling out in other areas pats stomach!

However bad and reckless all of this may seem, Ian somehow managed to make this somewhat volatile relationship between man and machine work. Whilst some of us were riding into barn doors at 30mph and others could have done with a Sat Nav to help them decide whether to turn left or right instead of riding straight on in to a fence…that last one was me by the way…Ian seemed to find a way to allow this relationship to flourish…something which I'm sure Carol will be relieved and pleased to hear about…but I think I'm right in saying that any riding they do from now on will not involve any passengers on the back…or maybe it will, who knows?!

Ian then moved on from bikes to cars and again the smile and the passion would always be there, as well as an appalling taste in music, but thankfully the recklessness was all but gone…well, not entirely.

On one particularly cold and frosty night as Ian gave me a lift home in his mum's car, he turned into the end of my street just a little bit too fast and slid right across the road and onto the grass towards the shining, newly replaced Westfield Garth sign…and then it all went a bit blurry. Val you'll be relieved to know that the front bumper of the car was easily re-attached and the sign was put back up and no one was the wiser, especially Val…until now. So Val you may want to ask Ian about that one a little later on!

Let's just say that if Ian EVER offers you a lift ANYWHERE…well you've been warned.

Over the last few years me and Ian have started playing a bit of golf together. Now most golfers’ dream of getting a hole in one. I think that Ian's dream is that one day he will actually get the ball in the hole…as opposed to the trees or ponds or other golfers…and only then if he hasn't already lost all of his balls.

In fact when we play a round of golf I think I'm right in saying that it's normally the person with the most balls left who actually wins the game, which is normally me which is surprising as I've normally already lent half my balls to Ian!

Now I wasn't around when Ian first met Carol, I was actually on the other side of the world…but I was glad to hear that Ian had finally found a girl who he could legally go out with.
And long before Ian texted me to say he'd proposed to Carol and that she had accepted, I did manage to get it out of him, after a few pints of Guinness, that he would ask her to marry him at some point in the future. So from there on I realised that this was the real deal for Ian and that for him to say that meant that Carol was truly special… as I'm sure you'll all agree.

This was further confirmed to me when they told me they'd gone out and bought a large white rampant rabbit. Now I may know what some of you think I'm talking about, but I am in fact talking about their pet rabbit…it's probably the first and last pet rabbit that I'll ever see with gender confusion issues bestowed upon it by the happy couple!

Now it has been said that you can determine a lot about a pet's owner from how the animal behaves. Now I'm not sure if that's ENTIRELY true and can be applied to Ian, but that rabbit repeatedly humps every object in sight… so if you've just bought a new sofa, I'd think twice before inviting Ian around to see it.

Now I don't want to keep you here too much longer as I'm sure you can't wait to enjoy the spectacle of Ian dancing. However, I'd like to finish off my speech with a few words of advice to help maintain their marital bliss.

Firstly Ian, you need to set the ground rules and establish whose boss…then do everything Carol tells you.

Always remember the three most important words in a marriage… you're right dear!

And a happy marriage is a matter of give and take…the husband gives and the wife takes.

Seriously though, you're incredibly lucky Ian, Carol's a smashing girl and has a heart of gold and she deserves a good husband…so thank god you married her before he came along!

Now it has been a real honour and a pleasure to be best man here on this special day and to have the privilege of knowing Ian all these years. My final duty has to be my favourite as I'd like to propose a toast to the newlyweds.

So please all be upstanding.

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief…to invite you to raise your glasses and propose a toast for Mr and Mrs Leslie, may you have many wonderful years together filled with love and laughter.

To the bride and groom.

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the evening.