Speech by Phillip Ross

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phillip Ross
Speech Date: Jul2005
For those of you who don't know me my name is
Phill can I buy you a pint of Guinness
I would appreciate you addressing me by my full name when I am at the bar
To me being best man is a bit like being asked to sleep with the queen it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.
It was not until today however I realised why Neil asked me. He just wanted to look tall on the wedding photo's

You may be wondering why there are two best men today well as the suit hire man said in debenhams when measuring my inside leg there's a lot to fit in.
I would like to say (concur) how wonderful Hannah looks today –
Don't you agree ladies and gentlemen –
However you may not know that she had a bit of a crisis leading up to the wedding – she had her credit card stolen, although Neil has not reported it stolen as whoever has it now is spending less than Hannah was.

I must admit I struggled for material when writing this speech so my wife suggested that I try the internet.

I spent hours upstairs on my own, I cant say I found may jokes, however I do have a list of very interesting web sites if anyone wants to see me in the bar after.

When I first met Neil I thought he was a guy of impeccable taste and fashion.
I wasn't long before I was copying what he wore.
That was until my mum caught me stealing her clothes.

I have known Neil for over 12 years now and we met through a works football team. We all took an instant liking to Neil.
Because his house was next to the playing fields and a hundred yards from our local.

As his elder I have often felt like a father figure to Neil.

I have watched him drink from a bottle
Stagger around naked
Crawl
I have dressed and undressed him
Cleaned up his sick
And that was all last week.

I asked Neil what he wanted from marriage and he said –

I want to be a model husband
I want to be a model citizen
And he added with a large grin –
I want to be a model lover
Well I looked up model in the dictionary and found it to be a small miniature replica of the real thing

I would now like to impart some advice to help you to understand each other better so after much research I have complied the top ten reasons why its good to be –
First a man
1.Match of the day
2.You don't have to lug a useless bag of stuff with you everywhere you go.
3.(Topical) Your last name stays put.
4.You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
5.(Topical) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6.If somebody turns up at a party in the same outfit its funny and he also has great taste.
7.One mood all the time.
8.If you retain water its in a bottle
9.(Topical) Wedding dress £ 1000 morning suit hire (£75)
10.And finally – Someday you will be a dirty old man

And now women – don't ask me how I know these I am in touch with my feminine side.
1.Women can wear heals, there's no such thing as short women complex.
2.You can get drunk quicker and cheaper
3.You don't look stupid when you dance
4.Not drinking when you go out is acceptable
5.Its Ok to be a daddy's girl its sad to be a mummy's boy

6.It's a lot easier to pull
7.Its acceptable to dye your hair, shave your body hair, wear makeup.
8.Your underwear is sexy
9.Shoes
10.And finally and the best reason, women live longer and therefore get to spend our life insurance

Just remember Hannah
Man are like fine wine –
They start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
On the other hand Neil –
Women are also like fine wine –
They start out fresh / fruity and intoxicating
Then turn full bodied – before going all vinegary and eventually giving you a headache

CARDS

On a serious note
Hannah and Neil you are among friends and family
Who want the very best for you and wish you all the happiness in the world
So here's to your future and to the best thing you have ever done
Congratulations
May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.
Ladies and gentlemen please be upstanding the toast is The Bride and Groom