Speech by R Jennings

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: R Jennings
Speech Date: sep 2003
Ladies and gentlemen, myself and the groom have been through a lot together, thankfully none of them are here today.

Now for those of you who dont know me, my name is Richard and I have the dubious honour of being Jamies best man this afternoon-effectively providing a budget warm up act before the band comes on.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to start by thanking Jamie for his kind words. I am sure that every one present will agree that the bridesmaids look lovely, only surpassed by you Anna.

When Jamie asked me to be his best man, Ive got to be honest, I did start to panic; what am I going to say? What can I talk about? Fortunately Jamie reassured me that if I do a good job today, I can be the best man at his next wedding.

I did promise Anna however, that I wouldnt be to harsh and that unlike the traditional best man speeches thered be no sexual innuendo so Id like to reassure you before I start Anna, that if theres anything slightly risqui Ill whip it out immediately.

Id also like to thank everyone present, especially those who have travelled long distances, for being here today to join us on this joyous occasion. However from a personal standpoint I wish you all hadnt bothered.

Youve turned what couldve been a nice day out for me into a bit of a personal nightmare.

However looking around to see so many people who have turned up today, it only makes me realise the lengths people will go to for a free ham sandwich and an all day bar.

I have however taken my responsibilities seriously and in an effort to prepare myself for the big day I decided to search the Internet for a list of my duties. After a couple of hours I found some really good stuff, but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for best man tips.

Apparently the key to finding a good best man is to appoint someone who is resourceful, energetic and diplomatic, and one who will not offend or create problems. As you can see Jamie is an appalling judge of character.

But you can all rest assured that Jamie has briefed me fully about the diversity of the guests that are here to day, and has made quite clear to me, what subjects that they will consider to be acceptable, and those which they will deem to be offensive. To help he prepared a list of taboo subjects which I am not allowed to mention-unfortunately these just about summarise his 24 years on this planet.

Although to be honest most of my time spent with Jamie is a bit of a haze, the memories lost in a drunken blur, however I have managed to remember one or two little tales to look back on. Unfortunalety he did make me promise not to mention certain skeletons in his closet, which surprised me as I thought hed be more concerned about me mentioning the monsters that hes had in his bed.

So I wont be mentioning such atrocities as newquay, our trip to hospital in the ambulance after emptying his dads drinks cabinet or his run in with the police horse.

So what can I say about him?

Hes Intelligent, well I say intelligent; when we asked the teachers what they thought he would be when he left school the usual reply was about 25.

I should also say that if I mention him going bald hed kill me. So Im glad I didnt mention that. Personally I dont really know what all the fuss is about anyway. I thought bald men were meant to be sexy and Anna informs me that Jamie more that makes up for it in other areas. Apparently he has a very hairy arse.

Now Im not just going to stand here and make cheap jokes at Jamies expense. Lifes to short and so is Jamie.

I have known Jamie for 10 wonderful beer soaked years. We went through school together and enjoyed many an adventure at each others chosen University towns of Sheffield and Leeds. And hes always been there for me. When I got delayed for 18 hours with no money in Turkey on my birthday Jamie was there. When my parents got divorced Jamie was there. When my thumb got so infected the nail had to be pulled off without any anaesthetic Jamie was there. Actually, thinking about it youre a bloody jinx Jamie.

We came through it all ok though and Jamie, after acting for a good period of time as Nottinghams answer to Casanova, it finally happened. As much as he would have liked to, Jamie realized that he just couldnt continue to lead the playboy life forever, and on one starry night in 2002 he met the woman of his dreams..a couple of nights after that he met Anna.

No seriously though

When Jamie and Anna got together, we all knew they had something special, I watched in owe as there relationship blossomed at an alarming rate… and soon they were having proper arguments.

I realised then that this day was only a matter of time in coming. I just never expected it to be so soon which in itself is a testament to there love for each other. So to both of you from me, you make a wonderful couple, and I know youre going to be very happy together. Anna if there was ever going to be anyone to bring Jamie in line, Im glad it was you. I dont think Jamie has ever been happier than when hes been with you.

Jamie has however changed a little. He has calmed down a lot. This was evident at the stag night. Im not sure if it was blind fear or maybe he was doing the ironing, but something prompted Jamie to text me saying that he wasnt coming out. But after a few harsh words it all went well and Im sure Jamie enjoyed himself. Oh By the way mate you still owe me #40 for those last two dances.

I dont think its fair to mention anything else about the stag night but I must admit I took a certain amount of relief in watching Jamie enjoy the female form. It put to bed the theory that Jamie might be the other way inclined.

[Open envelope]

Its clear now though that Jamie loves women; hes got the receipts to prove it.

But despite all the quirks Ive mentioned and quite a few that I havent, Jamie is one of the most generous, kindest and thoughtful friends that I have. I am very grateful for your friendship and you deserve some luck and I think you got it in marrying Anna. She is beautiful, intelligent and caring. Just a word of advice Jamie remember whos boss and never answer her back.

Now a little advice for Anna to maintain a healthy marriage:

Never trust a man who says hes boss at home he probably lies about other things too.

And if you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach your aiming to high.

Finally Jamie, for your part you need to guard against complacency. Keep a look out for those little tell tale signs of trouble in your relationship.like if you see the milkman wearing your socks.

Obviously my toast is going to focus on the most important people here today. The people we all feel a great love for and without whom today wouldnt be possible

At some stage tonight Im sure we will all be sharing with them our thoughts from this special day and giving them our love and best wishes. Lets be honest theyre the only reason were here today. So I would like to propose a toast to

The bar staff

In all seriousness though, my final words are for you Jamie and Anna. Im very proud to be best man and Im so pleased that Jamie has found such a wonderful and loving wife. I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, can you please stand and charge your glasses for the bride and groom.

Jamie and Anna.