Speech by Ray Whiteley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ray Whiteley
Speech Date: sep 2003
Hello. I am sorry if you have difficulty hearing me but this SARS virus is a swine to get rid of.

(Cough, cough, cough, cough…..)

My name is Ray and I'm an alcoholic!

Ooops…sorry…wrong set of notes…ha…ha…

Good afternoon Dave, Lesley, family, honoured guests, friends, colleaques, ladies and gentlemen.

I haven't tried to memorise my speech as years of alcohol abuse and the after effects of the stag night have left me with a short attention span.

(PAUSE! and look around puzzled!)

Oh yes……I remember now…the speech.…

Good afternoon Dave and….oh no I've done that bit already..…

I felt deeply honoured when Dave asked me to be his best man on this happy and wondrous day, the occasion of his marriage to Lesley.

It's like being asked to make love to Cherie Blair. It's a great honour but there isn't exactly a queue forming to do it!

Anyway a best man should be resourceful, energetic and diplomatic but if Dave had known my nickname at school was ‘Ethelred the unready’ then he might have changed his mind!

Still. It's too late now!

(John Laurie impression).We're all doomed. We're all doomed!

Of course Lesley insisted I wear a suit and so I got this one which was made to measure.

Made to measure someone else!

I know my surname is Whiteley but there is enough room in these trousers for half a dozen ferrets!

(Fiddle with trouser crutch.)

I have never been a best man before and was really in a quandry as what to say and do so I decided I would sit in my summer house at Binbrook and seek inspiration!

The sun was glinting on the blades of grass, robins, blackbirds and thrushes were singing in the wood behind me, the cherry blossom on the trees looked and smelled stunning and dandelions were bobbing about trying to catch some of the evening sunshine before the coolness of the night set in.

It was truly a magnificent sight in the Lincolnshire wolds at this time of year.

Dave and Lesley had both served at RAF Binbrook but at different times so they didn't get to meet each other until 1998.

The exact date has been obscured by the mists of time and Dave thinks he may even have seen her at Lossiemouth whilst on detachment there some years earlier.

Dave had been in engineering at Binbrook and Lesley had been in supply.

If you pardon the expression!

They met at Binbrook when Lesley brought Ron up to the airfield to look at English Electric Lightning F6 XR724.

Dave was chief engineer on the project at the time and was due to taxi the aircraft at the Lightning Association's annual rally.

Dave, if I remember correctly was wearing standard RAF ground crew safety wear as used at RAF Akrotiri on gunnery practice camp.

Black vest, black shorts and trog boots!

It was either the sight of a half naked Dave or the mighty thrust of the Rolls-Royce Avon engines but something took her breath away.

They say that falling in love is a chemical reaction and in this case it was kerosene and AVPIN.

I remember the day for quite a different reason because as Dave started to taxi the aircraft, he let the brakes off a little too harshly and with the jet being tail heavy at the time, it reared into the air like the Lone Ranger on Silver!

The only time in history I think that a Lightning nosewheel has been well and truly airborne at less than walking pace!

Anyway, Lesley obviously liked what she had seen and wanted more and invited Dave around to her place to watch some Lightning videos.

I am sorry Dave but when a beautiful blonde invites you around to her place to watch Lightning videos, it means you WON'T be going to watch Lightning videos!

Lesley persevered with Dave however and being a Lightning engineer he went around again, got three greens, the undercarriage came down and that is why we are all in here today!!!

It is at this point I have to traditionally rake up some wonderful items from their past but I will have to be very careful as they both still owe me money and my Volvo's overdue it's service.

As I said earlier Lesley was in supply at Binbrook but I am given to understand she was often in demand as well!

Know to all and sundry at RAF Binbrook as ‘Doris’ I couldn't help wondering why.

I have since discovered it was a RAF Binbrook specific acronym.

DORIS.

DOESN'T OFTEN REFUSE IF SLOSHED!

Lesley's understanding for the care and welfare of animals is legend even though she once threw a hibernating hamster away because she thought it was dead.

I now have recurring visions of the Monty Python Parrot sketch.

(John Cleese impression). This hamster is dead I tell you. It has left and gone on to better things! No it hasn't, it's only sleeping. LOOK. It's pining for the fjords!!

Any wood Lesley finds lying around has to go on the bonfire along with any other items that will burn nicely like bricks, metal and glass.

Which is surprising really because as a teenager she set fire to the net curtains in her bedroom at home whilst having an illicit cigarette.

You would have thought she would have learned about combustion by now!

Of course Lesley is also a great hypocondriac.

A headache is automatically a brain tumour and a touch of diahorrea is bowel cancer so it should really be fun in a few years time when the menopause kicks in!

I think a bottle or two of Asbach brandy in the medicine cupboard is wholly justifiable Dave.

(Tap Dave on shoulder.)

Now Dave was born in 1959 and later served in the Royal Air Force for 17 years with an exemplary record.

That just means he wasn't caught too often!

Of course, 1959 was a totally different world to what we have today.

Elvis was doing his national service in Germany, John Lennon and Paul McCartney were trying to put a band together and English Electric Aviation flew their first production F1 Lightning aircraft.

An aircraft type that Dave would spend many a night shift working on in later years which explains his partial deafness,
battered knuckles and wonky knees.

Dave of course is a highly talented engineer but don't ask him to climb ladders or work at height on rickety scaffolding.

He is renowned for being able to fix almost anything as long as it appears on Lesley's list of priorities!

The original plan for the stag night was to go to Amsterdam but I think it was a little too close to some of Dave's old stomping grounds for comfort.

Oh by the way Dave, Gilda sends her love.

Dave has always been glad to spread goodwill on overseas detachments and has made many friends throughout the world.

Some of these friends introduced him to Asbach brandy and I am assured that he is truly grateful to them for having done so.

It has been during our friendship that I have been able to expand my skills set.

Septic tank cleaning, barn building, tractor driving and of course the harvesting of hay and straw.

I have learnt that red spider mite gives you a bad back, cats are always pregnant, dogs need to run away as far as possible, a pretty little pony just has to be bought and that any pairs of handcuffs laid around automatically belong to Luke.

Yeah right!!

On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances to be here.

I would also like to thank those who sadly couldn't be here today but are thinking of you and I have a number of e-mails to read out which arrived this morning.

The first is from the manager of Barclays Bank in Louth who sends his deepest apologies but he sadly can't be with you today but will definately be seeing you after the honeymoon.

The second is from customer services at BT who again send their apologies but would like to thank Lesley for the huge increase in profits they have received during the planning of this wedding.

You will be receiving an invite to their staff christmas party.

I would like to thank the Rev Moira Davies for the splendid wedding ceremony.

I would like to thank Luke for being ‘Lord of the Rings’ and taking care of them for the ceremony.

I would like to thank the maid of honour Alison for the work of the bridesmaids Bethany, Kirsty and Victoria.

It is apparently quite difficult to look bored, pretty and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for an hour and I'm sure you will agree that they have performed their role splendidly so I think a round of applause for them is definately in order.

I would also like to thank the caterers Bev and Tim for their splendid service and I hope you have all enjoyed the fruits of their hard work.

It is an honour, albeit a quite terrifying one to be best man and I hope that Dave won't ever need to ask me again.

There aren't many best men who can describe the bride and groom as true friends but I am very lucky to be able to do exactly that.

The hub of any civilised society is the family and Dave is very fortunate today, not only to have gained a wife and partner in Lesley but a family with Luke and Victoria and I am sure he will make an excellent stepfather to them both.

In these trying times the simple fact that couples like Dave and Lesley still fall in love and marry means that mankind has a future.

There is always hope where there is love, committment and family values.

You are now a family going forward to a new life together and I wish you all the very best for your future life.

And now on behalf of the bride and groom.

Family, honoured guests, friends, colleaques, ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure and a great deal of relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Dave, Lesley, Luke and Victoria.

The Blissett family.