Speech by Rhys Williams

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rhys Williams
Speech Date: Jul2005
Hints and Tips

Dale and Sian's wedding was the first I did the props worked a treat, both had loads of laughs, but Martyn and Claires was even better received, the formula I used works a treat. Introduce family members they can be boring c*nts, luckily for me, my speakers weren't who want to speak to get the sentimental bit in the same place as I did, if you use the intro, you'll get them laughing, it'll make it easier for the other speakers.

Be confident, don't worry about nerves, the funniest things you'll come out with will be the things off the cuff, if you bugger up don't hide it, interact with the audience, if someone starts speaking during your speech let them, its your speech they'll remember.

Biggest tip you'll get @Milk every drop of laughter, never speak over laughter, make sure everyone has finished laughing before starting again, if people miss the beginning of a joke they're not going to laugh at the end of it. Can't stress how important this is. Tell all speech makers this, remember if everyone is funny its easy to keep the f*ckers laughing. Also, remind everyone to toast the bride and groom, help the crowd get drunk.

Personalise the speech, almost every joke here is an exaggeration of the truth, or a bare face line, don't worry about it. It's important to enjoy yourself, get into character, smile, look happy, remember, if you smile at someone 9 times out of 10 they'll smile back. I missed out jokes from both speeches, but the flow is important, you'r telling a story, deviate and digress but don't go too far from the path.

Every set of mates as a funny man, use him, wind your friends up about them having to make a speech, they sh*t themselves and it'll take your mind off your own. I stared at one of my mates in both weddings everytime I was asking someone up, they both sh*t themselves, one never ate a bit of his food, its good to know your f*cking someone up without any other person in the room knowing, use the power your given.

Wedding crowds tend to laugh at anything, they're really easy to get going most will be tipsy/p*ssed. Make sure every speaker is introduced clearly and ask the crowd to cheer and applaud, wind them up and they'll love it even more. And remember, both of these speeches were the main reason I pulled in both weddings, both bagged a bridesmaid and I'm an ugly c*nt, ask Paul, it's a clich&#233 but its also a tradition, play on it.

The ‘missing Claire’ joke I'd give my right arm was actually read by Martyn's mother, I buggered up, sat down and asked her to read it for me, it worked a peach, people thought I did it on purpose, it had the biggest laugh of all. Think on your feet. The virginity joke was very risky, I took the chance cos I'm so close to the family, be careful not to offend the bride, f*ck the groom, treat him like a b*tch, but be nice at the end, he's your mucker, people cried at the end of M&ampC's speech, they'll love that your still a sensitive bugger.

Hope this helps, Good Luck. For more advice look at www.hitched.co.uk The Best Man Bible

Best Man Speech

1st thing @ Welcome the happy couple

2nd thing @ Ask Josh Parfitt to say Grace

Speech

Introduction

Good Afternoon everyone, for those of you who don't know me my name is Rhys and I am the best man, for those of you who don't know him point to Sav, then you've never watched Crimestoppers.

Now, one of the first thing I have to say is that the rugby club have asked, no, begged me to say that due to health and safety reasons, nobody is allowed to stand on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

No, seriously now, I'm sure you'll all agree this has been a wonderful day, and we're all enjoying the celebration, yet, every silver@lining has a cloud and unfortunately here it is, you all have to sit there and listen to me for a few minutes.

Being a relative novice, I'm really not that sure how long my speech should last, but general opinion suggests it should last as long as it takes the groom to make love ..… make hand gesture

So, thank you and good night.
………………………………………………………………..…

Me and Sav have been muckers for years so when he asked me to be the best man I readily agreed thinking it would be a terrific honor. But having had time to think about it I realized it was a bit like having sex with princess Anne, it's a great honour, but you wish to God somebody else was doing it

‘I'd like to thank Sav for giving me this honour, and of course, for finally admitting who the best man really is.’

To be honest I didn't think I'd be this nervous, but this isn't the first time I've stood up from a warm seat with a bit of paper in my hand. I think Martyn was feeling it too earlier. I went into the toilet after him this morning and had to pull this out of the loo.
hold up a brick

Firstly, I'd like to say that Claire looks beautiful today and we're all grateful that she plucked up the courage to turn up today.

There's a couple of people I have to thank, who in hindsight have had a pretty easy day – they've had to cope with standing around, pouting, and looking pretty, now, they've spent a lot of time on their make@up and outfits, so, give them all a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen ….… The ushers … Blakey, Lewis, Gilesy and Ruster .

No, I think you'll all agree, the bridesmaids look stunning today and have done a great job, well done girls.

Can somebody tell me, is it still a tradition gesture: point to them then me?

Smiling Sisters as well ……… Kinky ……..… I think I'm in there.

Speakers:

Claires Dad
Bob

Proper Speech

What can I say about Sav, or, as Blakey said to me, what could you say about Sav that he hasn't already told you himself.

Having known Martyn since we were 5 years old I have lots of entertaining stories I could tell you about him – however ..… hardly any of them are anywhere near appropriate for his wedding, and as a result I would be in a lot of trouble if I told them here ..… so I'll be telling them over there later on instead.

I still recall meeting Sav for the first time, I was looking across the infants school yard as a small, quiet, shy, retiring boy stared back at me ………… needless to say Sav was standing just behind him picking his arse, we've been friends ever since.

What can I say about the man sat before us:

I could describe him as charming, intelligent, talented, and an excellent rugby player, but I'm not a sarcastic man so I won't.

He truly is a man of hidden talents, and I'm sure one day we'll find one, but we live in hope pray

Well, me and Sav basically grew up together, we were inseparable as kids, we went to the same schools together, played for the same sports teams together and have remained loyal friends ………….… it has started to get a little scary now because he's started to copy the way I dress.

There is no one here today who is happier than Martyn's mother Margaret, you see, up until Martyn was about 18 years old Margaret always thought Martyn might be gay, Dobber will back me up with this, Margaret always used to asked us about his sexuality and whether he preferred men, hopefully after today Margaret, you won't have to sit him down again for one of those little chats, your fears should finally been put to rest.

In fact, I remember the night Martyn lost his virginity ……… with a women I might add.

In all fairness to Martyn he did well that night, as I recall Bob and Margaret were out in the Globe Club down Pontypridd. Me and Sav were having a bit of a party, anyway, there were quite a few young ladies there that night. I still recall Sav sneaking off.

Martyn held out well, for 30 mins he let that girl knock and bang on his bedroom door, she was begging him to open it, finally he gave in, got up, opened the door .… and let the poor cow out.

Anyway, back to those innocent days as a teenager, Sav was certainly a bit of an handful then, I remember Bob telling me once, Martyn was so infuriating as a child that when he was 13 years old Bob and Maggie threatened to run away from home.

As I say, he wasn't the best behaved, nor was he the brightest, when Sav was 17 he was given an ASBO ….… Silly bugger thought it was a qualification, he still puts it on application forms under education.

Now, you obviously know about Martyn's sporting prowess on the rugby field, but in his day he was also a keen footballer for the Penrhiwceiber Rangers junior teams. Now fortunately I happened to bump into one of our old soccer coaches the other day: Billy Cooksley.

So I asked Billy what he thought of Martyn's abilities. He told me that he thought Martyn was absolutely useless in every position … and he hopes Claire is having more luck.

A few days ago me and Sav had a bit of a heart@to@heart and he told me about his dreams for the future.

He said, I want to be a ‘model’ husband, a ‘model’ citizen and in time I want to be a ‘model’ father and. Then with a large grin on his face he turned, looked me straight in the eye and said “but most importantly I want to be a ‘model’ lover!!!”

Now, being a bit na&#239ve at times I returned home and looked up the word ‘Model’ in the dictionary .… ‘small, miniature replica of the real thing!!’

To be honest Martyn has always been a little na&#239ve when it comes to sex, when Claire asked him what he thought of ‘mutual climax’, he thought she was talking about his insurance provider.

Actually, while wondering what to say today I couldn't help but think its funny how history tends to repeat itself, I mean 24 years ago today Claires Mum and Dad were happy to be sending their daughter off to bed with a dummy ….… And they're happy to be doing it again today.

In marrying Claire today Sav you've got somebody who is smart, funny, sensitive and caring. And Claire, well, ..… you've got..… well ..… Martyn.

But I know he loves you, on one drunken night in New Zealand. Me and Sav were having a chat and he was telling me how much he was missing Claire.

‘I'm missing Claire’ he said
‘Are you butt’ I said
‘Yeah, I'd give my right arm to have Claire with me tonight’
‘Would you?’ I asked
‘Yeah’ he said ‘You see Rhys, if Claire was with me tonight I wouldn't need my right arm’

I don't actually know Claire too well, but over the past few weeks I've spoken too her a few times which has given me the opportunity to talk about the wedding and of course Martyn.

She told me of an incident that actually reveals how much she actually cares for Sav.

Not long after Claire and Martyn got together Claire received a phone call off Martyn asking her to pick him up from Pontypool after a night out drinking. When Claire arrived Martyn asked her if she had a towel or a sheet in the car because he had stood in something. As Claire drove home the smell became stronger and stronger, it soon became apparent that the semi@conscious gentleman sat at her side hadn't stood in anything, he'd actually had a little accident.

Unfortunately for Claire she then had to sneak him past her parents and into the bathroom where she had to wash him down in the shower. ….… Now that's love.

As I say, I have had the opportunity to speak to Claire lately, so I asked her what we're all thinking:

Why choose Martyn? Why not past boyfriends?

Claire told me:

You see Rhys, I've had a few boyfriends:
The first one was a gynaecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it.
The second one was a psychiatrist, all he wanted to do was talk about it.
The third one was a stamp collector ….… She still misses him.

Well before I finish, please remain seated whilst joining me in a toast to some very important people, without who, tonight just wouldn't be the same.
I'm sure as the evening goes on all of us will shuffle pass them at one point or another, exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses …… the bar staff!!!

Bless them.

Ask The Ushers to speak

Ask Savage to speak

Now before I finish I thought I'd ask a few people who are here today if they have any advice for the happy couple. This included my own parents who have been married for 36 years. My father wouldn't let me say happily.

My mother said ‘Claire, a man is liked a tiled floor – lay it right the first time and you can spend years walking all over it’

My father said ‘Mart, the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once’

I apologise if those jokes are old but then again so are my parents.

Prompt @ Be serious now Being totally honest though, all jokes aside, I'd like to thank Martyn for asking me to be his best man, it has been an honour, but its been an even greater honour having such a good friend over all the years, and I sincerely wish you the happiest of futures together.

I started planning this speech a few weeks ago, and to you lot out there it must feel as if its lasted that long, so, with no further to do, can you all please stand well, those who still can and raise your glasses –

‘May your love be modern enough to survive the times … yet old fashion enough to last forever’

Ladies and Gentlemen:

THE BRIDE AND GROOM

Best Man Speech

Introduction

Good Afternoon everyone, …………………………

Woh now, calm down you lot I'm not another uninvited fat boy getting up to give a speech and spoil a family doo.

Now, one of the first thing I have to say is that Abercynon rugby club have asked, no, begged me to say that due to health and safety reasons, nobody is allowed to stand on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

No, seriously now, I'm sure you'll all agree this has been a wonderful day, and we're all enjoying the celebration, yet, every silver@lining has a cloud and unfortunately here it is, you all have to sit there and listen to me for a few minutes.

Having never done this before I'm really not sure how long my speech should last, but general opinion suggests it should last as long as it takes the groom to make love ..… make hand gesture

So, thank you and good night.
………………………………………………………………..…

When Dale asked me to be best man I readily agreed thinking it would be a terrific honor. But having had time to think about it I realized it was a bit like having sex with princess Anne, it's a great honour, but you wish to God somebody else was doing it

‘I'd like to thank Dale for giving me this honour, and of course, for finally admitting who the best man really is.’

To be honest I didn't think I'd be this nervous, but this isn't the first time I've stood up from a warm seat with a bit of paper in my hand. I think Dale was feeling it too earlier. I went into the toilet after him this morning and had to pull this out of the loo.
hold up a brick

Now, before I start my character assassination I will have to tell you, I've had to remove some of the juicier stuff. Apparently, last Sunday night Derek let a copy of his speech out last where Ann could read it .… and we all know what happened there.

Hold up sign – Humpty Dumpty was pushed

Firstly, I'd like to say that Sian looks beautiful today and we're all grateful that she plucked up the courage to turn up today.

There's a couple of people I have to thank, who in hindsight have had a pretty easy day – they've had to cope with standing around, pouting, and looking pretty, now, they've spent a lot of time on their make@up and outfits, so, give them both a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen ….… The ushers … Peter and Owen.

No, I think you'll all agree, the bridesmaids Kimberly and Rhian both look stunning today and have done a great job, well done girls.

Can somebody tell me, is it still a tradition gesture: point to them then me? Only joking, but if you are game smile. I think I'm in there.

I also think our pageboy for the day deserves a mention. Iestyn looked cracking today.

Speakers:

Grandad Bob
Derek
Kimberly

Proper Speech

I'd like to start by saying me and Dale go back some twenty@odd years, and in that time he's kept me and the lads entertained.

What can I say about Dale, I could describe him as charming, intelligent, talented, and an excellent card player, but I'm not a sarcastic man so I won't.

He truly is a man of hidden talents, and I'm sure one day we'll find one, but we live in hope pray

Derek once told me that Dale was so infuriating as a child that when Dale was 13 years old Derek and Anne threatened to run away from home

He's scrubbed up well today though. Of course we've seen him getting dolled up before. I spent many an evening as a teenager waiting for Dale has he and Amanda argued over the hair lacquer, there's a lesson there for all you ladies point at Dale's bald head.

There's a saying going round that love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener, so Dale, you're a lucky man marrying Sian today, she deserves a good husband ……… but, unfortunately for her, you got her pregnant before she could find one.

Me and Dale had a bit of a heart@to@heart last night and he told me about his dreams for the future. He said, I want to be a ‘model’ husband, a ‘model’ father and a ‘model’ citizen. Then with a large grin on his face he turned, looked me straight in the eye and said “but most importantly I want to be a ‘model’ lover!!!”

Now, being a bit na&#239ve at times I returned home and looked up the word ‘Model’ in the dictionary .… ‘small, miniature replica of the real thing!!’

Dale has always fancied himself as a bit of a sportsman, he's been a part@time footballer for the Osbourne for years, so I asked their manager Steve Pring what he thought of Dales abilities. He told me that he thought Dale was absolutely useless in every position … and he hopes Sian has more luck.

Dale has always been a little na&#239ve, even more so when it comes to sex, when Sian asked him what he thought of ‘mutual climax’, he thought she was talking about his insurance provider.

In marrying Sian today Dale you've got somebody who is smart, funny, good looking and caring. And Sian, well, ..… you've got..… well ..… Dale.

But I know he loves you, on one drunken walk home there's been many Dale and Stuart Jenkins were talking about falling in love, Dale said ‘You know when your in love, I know, the first time I saw Sian I looked up and saw her and just knew she was for me’

‘But how could you tell?’ I asked

‘Put it this way’ he said ‘My eyes glazed over, my stomach started turning .… and I squirted my cream all over my trousers’

Now don't get the wrong idea. They were working in Memory Lane at the time. He was on &#233clairs she was on the battenburgs. Dale loves a woman in an hairnet.

The most reliable source of information would clearly come from the friends and family with whom he would share this special day.

So Dale, I wrote down a few words with which some of them used to describe you:
@A Good Friend That was mine
@Thoughtful, caring, trusting and charismatic All very kind words
@Bald, yet Hairy The table full of homo's at the back – cheers lads

THE SIGN OFF

Well before I finish, please remain seated whilst joining me in a toast to some very important people, without who, tonight just wouldn't be the same.
I'm sure as the evening goes on all of us will shuffle pass them at one point or another, exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses …… the bar staff!!!

Bless them.

Ask RIMMER to speak
Ask Dale to speak

Being serious, before I finish I'll sign off with an oldie, but a goody, and given Sian's penchant for a glass of wine I think she'll enjoy it:

… men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.

That said women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, which inevitably gives you a headache.

I started planning this speech a few weeks ago, and to you lot out there it must feel like I've been giving it for just as long, so with no further to do, can you all please stand well, those who still can and raise your glasses –

May your love be modern enough to survive the times … yet old fashion enough to last forever

THE BRIDE AND GROOM