Speech by Rich Bayliss

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rich Bayliss
Speech Date: Jun2007
Before I start, I have a bit of an issue to raise. It came to my attention earlier that someone is running a book on the length of the best man's speech. I am sure you will all be glad to know that I got wind of this and, not being known to that person I put a tenner on myself to last an hour at the bargain odds of 600-1. So I suggest you top up your glasses and make yourselves comfortable – but do let me know if anyone tries to slip out of the room!

Ladies and gentleman, my name is Richard and I have been given the honour of being Ian's best man. Ian, also affectionately known as Macca, told me that he wanted a best man capable of charming you with his spectacular wit, his staggering charisma and his dazzling personality. Well, the search still continues, and I'm just here to fill in.

I think you'd all agree, it was a great service this afternoon. Mind you, those vows were interesting – Ian said, ”I will”, to which Caroline said, ”You'd better”.

None of you will know this, but I've actually congratulated the groom already. ”Ian,” I said to him, ”Well done! You will always look back on today as the happiest and best thing you've ever done.” Fitting words, I thought, at the end of a fantastic stag do.

I have decided to make the best man speech more quirky than usual format. In my Technicolor dream bag, or my Technicolor Nightmare bag in Ian's case, I have a selection of items which I would like the groom to pull out one by one – I will then talk about the significance of this item.

Items – Bag 1

Paper, scissors, stone

What we have here on a piece of paper are the images of the camp pop group The Scissor Sisters and the West Country singer Joss Stone. Even though they may be Ian's favourite pop acts in his spare time this is a reference to the game “Paper, scissors, stone”. This is a game that Ian tries to play at every opportunity in the pub, in the aim of getting everyone drunk as soon as possible! Whoever loses the one on one has to drink 2 fingers. In tribute to Ian's favourite past-time please can I ask you to all participate in a game.

Please play with your partner or whoever you are sat next to – the loser has to have a drink. If you do not know how to play you can sit it out. On 3?, 2, 3!!

Well I never thought I would see the sight of 40 couples doing that hand movement in unison.

Crunchy Bar

Ian does not have a fetish for chocolate – this refers to a rather rubbish university club that we use to go to on a Friday night. This now prompts me to discuss Ian's drinking shenanigans.

I call Ian the exorcist in my home. Every time he comes around, he rids me of all my spirits.

Now Ian and I have spent many, many happy hours together – it is such a shame that I can't remember most of them!!
However there are some that I do remember when by chance Ian was more drunk than I was! Notably Ian being ejected from pretty much every club he attended in Oxford &amp on one evening of this happening I stumbled home to find Ian…in my bed!! I banished myself to the living room, as a result. This happened again on another occasion when Reidy was the unfortunate victim – Ian had gashed his head after falling into a post and had helped himself to Reidy's bed, leaving him to banish himself to the loft! Let's just say I think it was a period of time when Ian was particularly curious…

I should also mention that on the morning after the gashed head incident Ian collapsed with a wimper at the side of the football pitch 5 minutes into a crucial league game leaving the team to struggle with 10 men for the rest of the game! On this evidence Ian definitely knows how to look after No.1…

There is no doubt that Ian was drunk the first time he set eyes on Caroline and he was immediately struck by her good looks. To him, she was drop dead gorgeous. “You're gorgeous,” he said. “Drop dead” she said.

And who can forget the time Ian came home drunk and urinated on his sister's bedroom floor?

In summary Ian is a big drinker, but a happy drinker, always laughing and shaking hands, even when he is alone.

Macca Montage

At the start of the day I was concerned for the photographer on how many decent pictures involving Ian he will be able to take. The reason being is based on this montage of photos of Ian and his “cool” unique pose for the camera – this is a pose that many of us have become familiar with. It was slightly funny at first, yet he still insists on carrying out this rather irritating show for the camera. I will hand this out after the speech and please past this around at your leisure – you will notice how many beautiful photos the man has ruined…

It's easy to see from this montage and from today that Ian, impeccably dressed, has always been an image-conscious sort of guy. In fact, he once admitted to me that his favourite forms of entertainment were Movies, the X Box and mirrors – in reverse order.

Swimming trunks

Now there are a lot of happy smiling faces around today, but none as happy as the two people sitting here. I'd like to talk about the time they fell in love – they say marriages are made in heaven – well, this one was made at the Iffley Road Swimming Pool in Oxford. In a “near drowning” incident in the shallow end, Ian became Caroline's hero by applying mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Inflatable FA Cup

What we have here is an inflatable replica of the FA Cup with yellow ribbons. The theme is football for which has played a big part in our friendship.

This prompts me to talk about one of Ian's greatest assets, which is his loyalty. And it's a loyalty that he's had tested beyond belief through the last 28 years of broken dreams and betrayed trust…as a Watford fan. So Caroline, you can rest assured that however you behave over the next 28 years, Ian will stand by you.

I have played football with Ian over a period of 20 odd years and his skills has declined to an extent that he has become useless in pretty much every position. I hope that Caroline has better luck.

Plastic burger / Burger packaging

You may be surprised to hear that today's wedding has not been the highlight of Ian's year. Neither was it completing the London Marathon in a time of 4 hrs 40 minutes in really difficult conditions, raising ٠,000 pounds for Childline. Or was it finally seeing Darius Henderson score a goal. It occurred during one evening in March when whilst tucking into their McDonalds classy couple in walks the legendary Watford Manager Aidy Boothroyd – like a kid a candy shop Ian's spots a photo opportunity with his hero. The picture goes like this – Aidy, with a Big Mac in one hand and a Little Mac in the other.

When writing this speech, I thought I'd keep any jokes relating to Ian's height to a minimum. They're far too obvious, and besides I've always looked up to Ian – when I've been sitting down.

Tube handle

This is what I would describe as a rail handle that you would find on the tube. There is a very funny story behind this, not involving Ian, and it is one of those moments where you had to be there to appreciate it – for me this is the icon of the stag do in Budapest.

As far as the stag do went, I can assure the bride that the groom's conscience is clean…well it should be clean – because he never used it.

Nothing would give me more amusement than to paint a lurid picture of Ian's stag weekend, but alas the Law of the Stag swears me to secrecy – well almost. I can't divulge any detail, but I do have fond, but shaky memories of karaoke and outdoor bars, everyone experiencing the 2 finger punishment, shots of unicum, Bollywood going AWOL, me taking an impromptu midnight paddle in the outdoor club's water feature and finally Ian with his personal anecdotes and high fives with the bewildered locals and also being congratulated by all of us – for his Technicolor fertilising of the local toilets.

Bag 2 – Finale

The time has come for a bit of cheese through the medium of poetry – well I had to finally put my English degree to good use! Rather than sparing you the pain of Ian's entire life story I will start from our days at university.

Ode to Macca

In the year of 98, Ian enrolled at the University of Oxford Brookes,
Taking up residency with Spud and the Danish look-alike Holbrook.
In fresher's week he bumped into an old school friend and team mate,
His name was Richard and they reminisced on memories to date.

Team Bayliss XI was formed including Reidy, Simon, Bungle and The Sneer,
Along with Geeson, McQueen, Smiffy and Cookie all fuelled on by the beer.
Ian aimed to recapture his glorious playing days as a Berkhamsted Dynamo,
Yet we all came to learn that he could not hit a cow's backside with a banjo!

Ian aimed to capture the heart of the girl to cook his sausage, chips &amp beans

And at the swimming pool him &amp Caroline petted like love struck teens.
Ian departed uni with fond memories of Mario &amp friends, 007 and the Glam folk,

And with Caroline he headed west for a new life with BT and Sadly Broke.

Ian soon reunited with absent friends at the venue of the Red Devils,
Cheering on the England boys including Becks, Stevie G and the Nevilles.
Attention turned to running the London Marathon in the intense heat.
He ran in an ok time, yet amusingly the Sumo Wrestler he could not beat.

Two years ago Ian took the plunge and proposed to his girl at the Ritz,
And off to Budapest the 21 man stag party went for the glamour &amp glitz.
It was fun &amp games galore for which getting inebriated was never in doubt.
And that just leaves me to say “Now THAT'S what I'm talking about”!!!

I'll end by saying that I hope your marriage turns out like the weather forecast this evening – warm, close and with a little son to follow.

On a serious note I would like to take the opportunity for thanking Ian for making me his best man – it has been a challenge but a real privilege!

So now I come to my final wedding day duty which isn't a duty really – it's a real pleasure: on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself I sincerely wish you and your lovely, stunning wife, Caroline, everlasting love and happiness!

Ladies and Gentlemen please join me by standing up and raising your glasses – to Caroline and Ian!