Speech by Richard Ball

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Ball
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls (Pause) Neil and Mark. For those that don't know me I'm the best man for the day and also sadly, unfortunately, Johnny's little brother.
My full name is “Rich would u like a drink?” so please don't be afraid of using my full name when I come across to the bar later on.
In preparing this speech, Clare the new wife has personally told me, that it should last no longer than it takes the groom to make love. (Pause) So, with that,
thank-you very much for listening and goodnight. (Sit down)
I'm Sorry, I couldn't resist. On behalf of the bridesmaids and pageboys,
I'd like to thank Johnny for his kind words and gifts.
His thanks are truly justified because they have all done a fantastic job, and all look absolutely gorgeous for this special/beautiful day. They have attracted so many admiring glances and are only eclipsed by Clare herself who I'm sure everyone in this marquee will agree looks like a true princess.
I'd also personally like to thank everyone for travelling here today to share this occasion with the two families and to Roy, for sponsoring the event and welcoming us into his beautiful home& to all those who have worked so hard to provide such an eye catching and wonderful reception
We are hear to celebrate a love match Pure & Simple, Clare is Pure and Johnny is well errrr, simple. When I was asked to be Best man over 12 months ago, my first thought was “Oh my god” what a terrifying, challenging& daunting job its gonna be to even “think” about coming up with a best mans speech about my big brother Johnny Ball. However as times gone on. I've began looking forward to this day as long with Johnny as been the proudest moment of our life, and standing here talking to my friends and family celebrating this great couple, underline to me just how true them words now are.

I knew I'd be nervous for this day, I knew I'd go red and I knew I'd be shaky but its only natural for someone in my shoes, so before this day I set out to get some advice on delivering speeches. I went to the local library and I found this great title out by some Pop idol called Gareth Gates? It was called “my guide to Public speaking” I don't know about u b b b b b b b b b b but maybe I picked the wrong book. So there's my excuse
In fulfilling my duties so far I had to ensure that Johnny got a good night's sleep for his last night of freedom. And I can assure you people he slept like a baby – waking every hour on the hour crying for his mum.
I also had to try and avoid any ex girlfriend's turning up unexpectedly (Pause) but fortunately with the foot and mouth outbreak in Staffordshire this last year, this has not been difficult.
To summarise, it has been my job to make sure that Johnny today is something he normally isn't – basically smart, punctual and sober

As many of you I'm sure know Johnny met Clare in Metrops, the local nightclub in leek. It's a classy place and with his chances fading as thin as his hairline, of pulling a nice bird before he reached 30, Johnny one night got lucky! For when across the bar he caught the eye of a sweet and innocent looking girl. But Johnny cool been Johnny cool went all shy and had to get his mate to go over to her. From then on, they met for Johnny & Clare's first moment together, the rest of the night, I believe was just a blur.
For I remember so clearly sitting in the kitchen that following morning eating my breakfast when I saw Johnny walking down the stairs, hunch backed, grunting, hair all over place, He had looked like he'd been dragged through a hedge. The poor bloke, severely Hung over. Anyway, we got talking and he went on to say how he had met “some girl” the night before. But as per usual with Johnny and Clare, they were both completely drunk. Not only could Johnny not remember Clare, “this girls” name but also Clare couldn't even remember what Johnny looked like. Johnny however plucked up the courage to give her a ring for that first “blind date” and as we all know, they just aint looked back.

I just knew the minute I saw them together, that happiness was happening, and after spending time around them it's so obvious that they just ooze the essence of what makes a good marriage. Besotted love.

I'm sure you'll agree they so good for one another. Clare brings to the relationship beauty, integrity, honesty, reliability and intelligence, while Johnny brings.… erm… erm (check notes), ahh his love for crisps and chocolate, smelly pants, bad snoring habits and a few cans of Stella.

Ha ha however Clare, I have to say, you have trained him up well, for before he met you, Johnny was still getting him mum to iron his clothes. If Johnny tried it, it would mean he would be probably wearing the clothes at the time, burning his neck with the iron then telling all his mates for the next week, it was a love bite. Yes Clare, I have to give it to ya, you have tamed this tiger well. For I'm sure many of us in this audience know, Johnny is a bit of a lad.

He's always been a practical joker, giving as good as he got. You can be rest assured that if anything mischevious, funny or daft was about to happen, you can guarantee that Johnny ball would b there. Whether its dressing up as Pamela Anderson for a fancy dress party, shaving his mate's bodily organs on holiday and then doing things with toothbrushes& toothpaste, which I'm afraid, I have to leave to your imagination. Either way Johnny in true Robbie Williams's style likes to entertain, he likes to make people laugh, amongst other things especially when it came to our mum and dad going on holiday. Johnny's BBQ's are legendary, especially when it comes to helping serve up his mates “dog sick sandwiches” to go with the buffet. Unfortunately now as this is PG rated speech, I must stop there otherwise he's in for an early divorce.

At school Johnny tried many sports but with little success, he tried to take up rugby but was told his “tackle” was not big enough. He had a go at cross country running but just could not take the pace and when it came to football, Johnny was told he was useless in every known position. I just hope Clare that to relating them things to the marriage that you have more luck.

To sum Johnny up, I would have to think back to my earliest memory of when I was younger; I remember Johnny and his mates arranging to go camping one day in Upperhulme in one of my Granddads fields. Johnny had it all planned out, packing his tins of beans, his oven stove, not forgetting his little sleeping bag and pillow. With Johnny been a keen scout member at this time, you would think nothing could go wrong.
Yet when him and all his mates, walked from Blackshaw all the way up to my granddads, Johnny when about to pitch up on this field, remembered he had forgot one thing. The tent! That for me sums Johnny up!

He's always been one for achieving great things in life and reaching new heights, like the time he went on a boozed up holiday in turkey, and was out and about one night, with his mates, walking down this street. Johnny feeling Mischevious saw this electrical cut off switch up this lamp pole. It was a bit like a big red button which said “do not press” Johnny's eyes just like lit up and before u knew it, he was clambering up this pole thinking harmlessly that pulling the switch would knock off a few street lights and the corner shop (just for a ladly laugh) how wrong was he? As his mates below egged him on, and wrapped around this lamppost with a birds eye view of Bodrum, the capital of turkey, famous for its lights and nightlife, Johnny's face dropped when after a second or two, he noticed from afar this row of hotels, suddenly one after the other black out. At the thought of been castrated by the Turkish police, him and his mates were soon pegging it up the street, for causing so much chaos to all them other holiday makers. All because of one person yes my big brother Johnny Ball.

However, the Turkish police have not forgot, they have had a nation wide manhunt and I have here an official warrant for your arrest but it involves a forfeit. Yes Johnny, don't worry I came to your rescue as I told them a little story about the same holiday when all your mates wrapped you up in black tape and started dragging you round the dance floor. The Turkish Owners at this hotel weren't very happy and wanted to throw you in the swimming pool that night but unfortunately it never happened. Well Johnny here I have the black tape (Displays roll of black tape), and if you look outside, there's your pool. (Garden pool) I'll b leaving this in the capable hands of Mr Corbishley (the usher) for later and the police have agreed this can be your sentence for being such a Plonker

Now Johnny here's some words of advice to handle your new wife!

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's BOSS. And then do everything as Clare says.
Secondly, never be afraid at the thought that, Clare will leave you, She's spent Hard years training you up for this already, she's not going to throw that away lightly,
Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words at least once a day for the rest of your life. “Your right Dear”

Remember bro, a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

But Clare I wouldn't worry too much, its well known the extremes that Johnny goes to, in trying to keep in your good books. You only have to think back to your hen night.

Johnny was under strict instructions not to stay at home that night. Clare was having her friends stay over and the boys were simply not allowed. Unfortunately Johnny Being Johnny got drunk forgot this and still went home and hid in the Cop loft, now this isn't a converted Cop loft he was there in pitch black darkness Snuggling up in-between the fibreglass with his cigarettes and alcohol, spying and waiting for the sloshed, giggly flirty and most probably very frisky girls to stagger in. However, Johnny fell asleep & woke up in the early hours, sober and very cold. Not realising the girls were now tucked up in bed, he stuck his head through the roof space and tried to clamber back down. At this point Alison fast asleep in bed was awoken. She went to Investigate and then all you could hear was a big scream for the sight of seeing some strange man in the middle of the night dangling his head and legs out of the roof space trying to get into the house. Imagine it, but for what we now know, it was only Johnny being Johnny.

No seriously now Johnny you are one lucky man! You married Clare today and she is smart, funny, loving, considerate, self confident, caring. She really deserves a good husband. Thank god she married you before she found one.

Jokes aside, Johnny has played the role of “big brother” like no one else for me, ever could. He's always been there in good times and bad and he's a rare breed a very genuine and honest person, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Neil, today I know John is here as the groom but in my opinion and my eyes, as his lil bro, he's the best man, not me. I'm so happy for him and for Clare they found each other because their undoubted happiness and love is nothing less then they both deserve. May I say and hope to you both that “your love be modern enough to survive the times of today yet old fashioned enough to last forever?”

Before we get to the toast and, believe me, I need a good drink – phew I'd like to read out a few cards, which have been received today

• Reading of the cards.

To Clare: Shame it didn't work between us, however, if the gay rumours about Johnny turn out to be true, ring me – Robbie Williams

“To Johnny. I'm gutted, you have broke my heart, we could have been so good together on that stag night – Miss Foo Foo La Mar.

And finally its time to wrap this up with a traditional toast for the special people who today we have taken into our hearts, who mean so much to us and simply without them, wouldn't have made the day as successful as it had been. So ladies and gentle men please raise your glasses and join me in a toast, to these special people. The bar staff!!

Ooh no sorry wrong speech. I mean please raise your glasses and drink a toast for the bride and groom, Johnny and Clare, the new Mr and Mrs Ball. :o) To Johnny and Clare