Speech by Richard Campbell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Campbell
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Best Man Speech

Good evening ladies and gentlemen

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Marcus for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Richard and I'm Marcus's Best man.

I can remember the night Marcus asked me to be his best man, I thought to myself WHY ?, what have I done to deserve this? Can't he ask someone else.

You see being the best man is much like making love to the queen mother – its a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

Where was I, (look at cards) ahh… the human brain it's a wonderful thing isn't it – never stops working from the moment you're born until you have to write a Best man speech. (pull worried face rub chin).

Anyway what can I tell you about Marcus, well for one he's a lucky sort of guy. Only last year he had his car stolen,, his house was broken into, his house set on fire and Raty the rat died (pause for sympathy).

Marcus and I have been best friends for about 11 years and over that for all that time he's always been there for me. I remember especially him being there when I had my first car crash, oh that right he was driving !

Showing off in his mothers car, speeding along nicely until we came to a sharp corner. Marcus slammed on the brakes only to find out it was the accelerator and we took off at full speed…across a junction, narrowly missing a Stop sig, then hit an embankment and flew through the air….landing in a tree.

With all 4 wheels off the ground Marcus then proceeded to try and reverse the car out of the tree, but to no avail.

Also since I've known him Marcus has been a patient in the infectious diseases ward of the hospital…not once but TWICE. The first timea cut on his finger got infected whilst on a fishing trip with his father. His arm ballooned up to the size of…well about the size of a normal persons arm.

The second time..well I'm afraid I can't tell you about that here.

To the inhabitants of Dollar Marcus has been known by several nick names:

Firstly it was that boy with the sticky out ears ( he sorted that when they were pinned back).

Secondly he was known as that lad who wears those huge Arran sweaters (he fixed that one by not letting his mother buy any of his clothes… apologies Mrs Keavenney).

Thirdly he was known as that boy who had all those parties while his parents were on holiday. I can especially remember the party where I first met Marcus…he and his friends got my 14 year old sister so drunk she was sick all over the house. To this day my mother still thinks that Marcus is a bad influence and I should not associate with him.

Fourth Marcus was known as that freak who rides the unicycle (The severe dose of piles put paid to that one).

These days Marcus is still known for his ..shall we say unique dress sense but mostly he is known as that jammy git who managed to pull such a lovely looking bird.

It's funny how things work out -Marcus met the woman of his dreams in Jackios nightclub, then 2 weeks later he met Sam in the same place.

Marcus also has some unusual habits :

Number 1

Dressing like a lady at any opportunity. It's hard to believe that a man a masculine as Marcus would ever dress as a lady, that is if I didn't have photographic evidence.(Show picture M in silver dress) And heres another this time Marcus perfecting the Princess Diana pout. (Show picture).

Number 2

His mother informed me that as a child he liked to play with his little man while he watched Wonderwoman. Not much has changed except Wonderwoman has been replaced by Pam Anderson! So Sam the next time Baywatch is on you watch were his hands are going!

Number 3

Stripping off his clothes at the slightest whiff of alcohol. Many a night would see Marcus dancing on a table in the Lorne Tavern his trousers round his ankles. Shocked girls pleading that he cover those scrawny legs. And I'm sure many of the nursing fraternity are still scared buy the sight of Marcus flashing his arse to them after one too many Jack Daniels.

I think Sam has Marcus on strict instructions not to perform any stripping tonight, but we'll see what we can persude him to do later on.

And now if you'll just put up with me a little longer I'll read some cards from those not able to make it today.

All the best for the future from The cats Nick and Merlin. PS we didn't mean to scare the rat to death.

Here's one from Pam Anderson, I thought we could have really hit it off until I found out what you did with your weener when Batwatch was on.

In all seriousness, I'm very proud to be best man here today and I'm so pleased that he has found such a wonderful and loving wife. I have no doubt that their love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen can I ask you to stand and join me in a toast to the bride and groom…the bride and groom.