Speech by Richard Christopher

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Christopher
Speech Date: aug 2002
Introduction

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I am the best man and my name is Richard Can I buy you a drink. For those of you who don't know me ……..hi …..… and for those of you who do know me…..… hi. If there's anybody here I haven't managed to speak to so far, please fee free to come and say hello when the bar opens!

Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaid and Pageboys, I'd like to thank Richard for his kind words. I have to agree that they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job here today.

And to Richard and Lisa, sorry, Lisa and Richard! What a touching and moving ceremony. It's so nice to see two people getting married that are so very much in love. Lisa, you look absolutely stunning and I'm sure there's not anybody here today that could disagree with me.

In Lisa, Richard has found an attractive, caring and fun loving woman who's grace and charm could win over any man, whilst in Richard, Lisa has found the tallest man in the world!

Cards and Messages

From all the ladies at the Pink Pussy Cat, Birmingham – “Congratulations on your marriage big boy!”
From the neighbours "Sorry we couldn't be there but we weren't invited. Please send a picture of the bride and groom mounted”

My Relationship with Richard

I'd like start the proceedings by giving you all some background information about my relationship with Richard and how I came about being best man.
I met Richard in the first term at university where we studied hard for the same degree; well, we enrolled on the same course…In fact Wolverhampton University, or Wally Poly as it's know in the academic world, couldn't of had two more fitting students. Our ability to do the least amount of work and drink the most amount of beer was second to none. Even on our first day we made it to the student bar.
So how is it that I came to be best man? Was it because he wanted to stitch me up with the speech, maybe? Was it because all his other mates said no, possibly, or was it because he couldn't trust anybody else not to dish the dirt and shock you all with his deep dark secrets? More likely the third option but who am I to deny you lovely people of some classic entertainment, Richie – you should have known better!
So how did it happen – I was sitting alone in my bachelor pad one night in June last year – doing what a bachelor does when he's alone, when the phone rang, it was Richard. Now, a typical conversation with Richard would be along the lines of, women, beer, football, women, beer, women…and more women, and eventually so how are you? But this time, there was no verbal dioraea, he went straight to the point, Lisa and I are getting married and I'd like you to be best man! I was just too startled to refuse and that's how I came to be standing here today, quivering like a jelly fish and wishing I had never answered the phone that night.

How they met

Richard had been searching for a lady like Lisa for a long time, mainly between pints of Stella on a Saturday night. And let me tell you, he's tried a few… Stella's that is.
After many a lonely night, returning home, with nothing on his arm apart from beer stains and a half eaten kebab, he decided it was time to get serious, it was time to go to Atlantis. For those of you that don't know, Atlantis is where the classy women of Wolverhampton go on a Saturday night
The evening started well, five Stella's in the first 45 minutes so by the time he got to Atlantis he was already well prepared for talking to ladies. Let's see, beer goggles, huge grin from ear to ear and the ability to talk expertly on any given subject (one skill that he's particularly good at). After an hour or two of looking around, there she appeared, like an angel standing there in the dance floor mist (Look at Lisa and ask if she likes that description). Richie sent over a little smile signal (grin stupidly at the audience) and got one back (grin stupidly at the audience). Armed with walking aid, Haley and Sonia, Lisa managed to stumble over and introduce himself. You all thought I was going to say Richard didn't you! So impressed Lisa must have been with his original chat up line, that she invited him home. And that is how they came to be here today.

Stag Do

I must just tell you about Richard's fantastic stag party. We went to Torquay in Devon for a weekend of drinking and paintball and as best man it was down to me to arrange it. I did quite well except booking us into a hotel run by a right pair of raving homers!
The paintball was a complete success, 12 fully grown men in combat gear running through woods trying to splat one another with paint. Sounds silly doesn't it but it was amazing how serious everybody got, trying their hardest not to get hit. Unfortunately, not one of us escaped the pain of being struck and have still got the bruises to prove it. The evenings proved to be equally entertaining. Moments that stand out in my mind were:

Jason's dancing. Sort of a cross between Michael Jackson and Vanilla Ice. Although he did have a tendency to nock peoples drinks over.
Ian's ability to get two women thrown out of the club fighting over him – something that has never happened to me, sadly.
Andy's and Steve's ability to find something stuck to the bottom of every ladies shoe
And finally Richard's brief encounter with a female called Daisy – I did try and get her here today but unfortunately she's out grazing with the rest of the herd.

Embarrassing stuff about Richard

Life for Richard began on the 27th June 1974 – The same year that Gillete disposable razors were invented and CFC's were proven to harm the ozone layer He shares his birthday with Kate Moss.
Ladies and gentleman, what I have for you now is a selection of pictures from the Parkes family album. I have tried my hardest to include pictures of Richard by himself but on the odd occasion you might see other members of the Parkes family make an appearance. For the Parkes family I apologise profusely, but I'd appreciate it if the rest of audience points to the person in this room who they think it is when the picture comes up.
So, to begin with, here's a picture of the young man at 18 months doing what he still does today, playing with his balls!

Ahhhhh doesn't he look nice………..… Can I ask if anybody recognises the person next to him? I don't know why you're laughing, it's you!

Something you all may of noticed about Richard is that cheeky chappie grin he puts on when something excites him. Here is grinning away on his 5th birthday, about to tuck in to his enormous cake. Unfortunately, whoever made the cake couldn't count – notice the number of candles. You may also notice that the cake is not the only enormous item in the picture…………….any guesses, yes, its’ that hair! The hair, or bouffant, as it's more commonly known was apparently very stylish in the late seventies and early eighties and I'm sure you can all agree that Richard models it wonderfully. So wonderfully in fact, that here he is with the 1982 Vidal Sassoon award for best bouffant in the under 10 category.
But the hair did not go away for some time, here he can be seen on his way to his first day at Cubs, by the beach in the sunshine and later on, a day out in London (sorry Michelle!)

Here I am ladies and gentleman, making a mockery of the poor man's hair without recognising the practicality of it. One time in fact the hair managed to save Richard from almost certain brain damage. He was playing football at school with his friends using, tennis balls for some strange reason when some clever person decided to change one of them for a rounder ball and toss it up for somebody to header. Being one of the taller and obviously slightly dimmer members of the group, Richard leapt into the air and caught the ball right on the top of his head. It was a great goal but had it not been for the several inches of hair surround his skull, he might have ended up a wandering, gibbering vegetable. At least you now know why he sometimes struggles to finish his sentences.

The hair also gave Richard more of a manly appearance. This became apparent whilst he was on holiday with his family in Ibiza. He'd got a bit bored lounging around and decided to go walkies without telling anybody that he was going. After he'd been gone for a few hours, his mom and dad were getting a bit worried and contacted the local Police. To aid the search, the Police asked if they could have a recent picture that they could show to people, but never asked his name. Anyway not long after, he returned home just in time to catch the local TV news. On came the following picture with the message, “has anybody seen this missing girl”

I'd also managed to get hold of a photograph of Richard playing in the paddling pool, showing his manhood. For the younger members of the audience, that means showing his willie!. However, after consulting various company's across the UK, Kodak, Boots, etc, I couldn't find anyone who could enlarge the picture enough so you'd actually notice anything! Please accept my apologies.

After doing well at school and obtaining a honours degree from university, it was time for Richard to hit the word of work. His chosen career is that of IT Sport which basically involves playing with computers and talking in a language that nobody else understands. In fact, I'm told by his colleagues over there that apparently at work Richard is highly respected and is nickname is God……he's rarely seen,…..… holier than thou..… and if he does any work it's an absolute miracle.

Seriously though, Richard does have some very fine attributes, some of them longer than others! He's a fine swimmer and has the Golden Award for swimming. Not to mention being an excellent pianist and has offered to play a little number later on.… If he gets drunk enough!

Sincere Stuff

I think that is enough of the Mickey taking and I hope you've all enjoyed it as much as me. It's now time for me to be sincere and say that I am very proud of Richard, marrying such a fine young lady and prouder still to be standing here today as his Best Man. It brings a tear to my eye…………………………..…
Before I raise a toast, and now that my best man duties are coming to a close, I'd like to give some advice to any future best men there might be in the room. Being a best man is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all it's an offer that you should never turn down. Then ensure that all rings are clean and buffed before the ceremony begins. Finally you do your duty, where you stand to attention and work up a sweat to give 20 minutes of satisfaction.

Lisa and Richard, I wish you every happiness and a long and fulfilling life together.

Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, the Bride and Groom!!