Speech by Richard Fairhurst

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Fairhurst
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Ladies and Gentleman,firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Seamus for his kind words and I'm sure you'll all agree how beautiful and charming they all look today.

For those of you that don't know me, my names Richard and I have been given the honour of being Seamus’ best man. Although, having said that a wiser man than me once said that being asked to be the best man is rather like being asked to go to bed with the Queen Mother – It's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it!

So, for those of you that are wondering, yes I am nervous, suffice to say
that this is'nt the first time today that I've got up off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand! And I'm only going to talk for a few minutes
because of my throat – Seamus has treatened to strangle me if I'm up here for a long time!

But seriously, what a beautiful wedding and what a romantic, emotional day, even the wedding cake was in tiers!… and whats more romantic than a
poem?..… So here are a few verses I've put together to help everyone see
how seamus became the fine specimen of masculinity that sits before us all
here today! (clear throat)

A DUFF VERSE!

Now I've known Seamus for a while
Ever since we were twelve
And seeing as it's his wedding day
Into his past I'll delve…(don't worry, just bare with me, it gets
better…)

I'd like to say we were top of the class
And our schooldays were full of fun
But the thing we worked hardest at
Was avoiding the cross country run.

We started a jazz band at school
And had dreams of the Albert Hall
But our biggest sell out crowd
Was at the end of term Christmas ball.

He dreamed of becoming a pilot
This was his only aim
But what airline would be MAD enough
To let Seamus fly a plane??

But life, it seems, got in the way,
He had to pay the rent.
So Seamus found he had to get
A job at Severn Trent!

“My pipes have burst” a caller cried
But Seamus couldn't care less,
His mind was set on higher things.…
Like meeting a stewardess.

He soon took off for British Midland
But this is not a happy verse,
After two weeks on the runway
He could only find reverse!

Seamus really fancied himself
And ALWAYS won a woman over
Though with all the stops and starts
Was more Vauxhall Nova than Cassanova.

Then one freezing Christmas Eve
Seamus met his bride-to-be,
And what a lucky move that was
As we can all now see……(gesture towards Katie)

They met here at The Grand Hotel
It was obviously love at first sight
They found they had a lot in common
Like throwing up for the rest of the night.

So this is where it all began
At a party with mutual friends
And although they'd had a lot to drink
This is not where the story ends…

He flew her to an Island
And got down on bended knee
The moon was up, the sand was warm
As he proposed to her by the sea.

So Katie accepted and made Seamus’ day
And the rest is history
But between you and me, why she said yes
Is still a mystery.

The Stag night was fantastic
We went shooting for the day
But the only bird that Seamus pulled
Was a pigeon made of clay.

As I've almost finished you can all relax
And go back to your food and drink
but before I leave this speech
here's a few more words to make you think!

Katie – remember that men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it's your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
Seamus – on the other hand, women are also like fine wine, they start out
fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age until they go sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache!

And….remember

If you love something set it free,
If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours.
If it never returns it was never yours to begin with,
If it returns and just sits on your sofa, farts, eats indian takeaway,
watches television constantly, uses the telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, then – You either married it or gave birth to it!

Now, I was originally going to do a toast comparing the wedding night to a
kitchen table, you know; four legs and no drawers – but I've been told that was inapropriate!

So on a more serious note, Seamus, you've been a great friend to me over the years and It's been a great honour to be by your side through all your
achievements, the greatest of which must surely be today. Katie is a lovely person and she deserves a good husband, so thank goodness she married you before she found one! Anyway, I'm proud to know you mate and I wish you both immense happiness for the rest of your lives!

So as I end my toast to this occasion, and wrap up my salutation
I raise my glass to this combination
and bid good luck to the consummation!
So cheers, and on with the celebration!

So, Ladies and Gentleman I would ask you now to join me in a toast to the
bride and groom…..to Seamus and Katie…..Cheers!!!

(Then some announcements and some made up ones. “I will leave the key to the palace under the backdoor mat, love the Queen Mum”- oh sorry, that one's for me!)

RICHARD FAIRHURST