Speech by Richard Greaves

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Greaves
Speech Date: Jan 2009
When I was asked to be one of Steve””s best men, there were a lot of things I wanted to say, like how honoured and humbled I felt. But then as time went on, I realised that I””d have to do a speech and that at some point during it I would have to say something nice about Steve. So I thought I'd get this out of the way quickly..Steve…pause…nice hair cut.

In case you all were wondering whether Steve would be in a fit state today, I can confirm that he went to bed early and slept like a baby…that is he wet the bed twice…..and woke up several times crying for his MUMMY!
Which leads me on to his relationship with his Mum, Christine.I'm not sure why he still cries out in the night for his mum though – does it have something to do with that little bit of ”help” she used to give him when he was younger.PAUSE.

Who went on Karen's the Hen Do? – Hands up! Do you know what I””m talking about? For those that haven””t a clue what ””m talking about, lets have a quick game of charades. STRETCH, 4, SKIN.
[turn to Steve] And what about your old pornography collection you told your mum you found down the tip. Kept that one quiet didn””t you.Good to see that at a such an early age you were reducing your carbon footprint by recycling old magazines.
I reckon you””ve got an awful lot to thank your Mum for, Steve.She””s always been there for you, through thick and Skin..ooops… I mean thick and thin..moving on..
In life, it””s difficult to imagine Chas without Dave, Bocey without Marlene, Shrek without Princess Fiona . Soon after I first met Steve and Karen together, I said to them they reminded me of Jack and Vera – Of course Karen immediately took offence to this and I had to start digging.what I meant was that they are two people who are made for each other. Just remember ””Jack and Vera”” if in 10 years time you find them both running a pub together somewhere…
But being a pub landlord is something very different to what Steve does now – that of an upholding member of society -that of a ””Mortgage Advisor””. Now it wasn””t that long ago when I was helping him sell football badges in the Algarve, or Reading shirts on the high street, or ””Busby”” badges at school just remember..Rodney and Del Boy.. But honestly who would thought that Steve would end up a ””Mortgage Advisor”” Why a mortgage advisor we all thought? Well it””s obvious it was so he could pull!!! There he was pretending to start an honest career, when all the time his ploy was to lure some unsuspecting lady into his lair. Well it certainly worked Steve, and I tell you what, you've definately managed to find the best deal in Karen.
You're a very lucky man. You'll leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is your true soul mate. A wife that truly looks stunning today and I'm sure you'leave together feeling the proudest man alive. [pause] face Karen And Karen.[pause] how lucky you are as well [pause] you leave today having gained a …[pause] Gorgeous dress a pair of Jimmy Choos. [pause] Now a bit of history:
Steve and I first met about 27 years ago at Old Hall School in Mrs Moyle””s class. To this day he still hates the fact that I won the ””Year 1 Boys Cricket Ball Throwing Competition” – so, in the words of the super smashing great Jim Bowen… here””s what you could have won!
There are hundreds of stories and I wish there was time to tell them all. Steve””s always been there for me – and I thank him for that.
. Smelling joss sticks and drinking Sherry at school lunch times – Steve was there
. Going out carol singing in July – Steve was there
. Head banging on stage with Iron Maiden and then getting thrown off stage head first at Sheffield City Hall – Steve was there
. Watching Rotherham United claim the 1988/89 Division 4 championship by beating Stockport away – Steve was defiantly there
. Enjoying a pint in the Manor Barn – aged 14 – Steve was there
. when my Mum and Dad were on holiday, putting half a can of sardines in my sister””s goldfish bowl and then pretending that the goldfish had been murdered – Steve was there.
. Swinging on his mum and dad””s light shade at the start of the best Toga Party Rotherham had ever seen – Steve was there
.
. Visting Steve in hospital moments after he had a major eye operation – and just when he was coming round in his hospital bed, strapping a toy parrot on his shoulder to go with his eye-patch – I was there.
Which reminds me of a cruel nickname he had from some lads in the local – They used to call him &ampquotPontoon Eye&quot – because when one eye use to stick the other one twisted What does give me a particular tickle though are Steve””s specials moments. Moments of entertainment that only Steve could ever provide. Those things that go wrong, but you pretend nothing actually happened.
One such moment was on a Tuesday night in the Drawbridge, Steve leaning against the fire escape door at the back of the pub… Now you””ve all seen the episode of Only Fools and Horses when Del leans on the bar. This was better. So much so that the door bounced open and Steve feel down at least 20 flights of steps. Landing at the bottom, the sprinting back up, then giving a quick shrug as if nothing had ever happened. Thing was, he still had over half his pint left in his glass!!!
Another one was at Glastonbury in 98. It””s been raining all day as usual, then on the Friday evening we all set off to watch England V Columbia in the World Cup. Steve decided it would be good to do a mud slide on his feet at the top of the hill overlooking the main stage. He ran like the wind, just as I remember him doing as school class 100 meters champion. He started to slide. 5 meters turned in 10 meters, then 20 meters. By this time the penny had dropped that Steve looked cool and he knew it.. 20 meters turned into 30 meters hurtling down the hill. Then the bump appeared and Frank Mally Spencer went arse over tit tumbling down into the muddy valley.. The best thing was that he them again jumped straight up covered in crap pretending absolutely nothing had happened…until he then collapsed with a sprained ankle and spent all weekend having sausages cooked for him in his tent..happy days!
What is special though is the impact Karen has had on your life. No longer is it just Steve, but now its Karen and Steve..in that order!
[turn to Steve] Soon after you met Karen, you changed. The ””Loaded magazines”” disappeared from the bathroom. The living room walls changed from Blue to Beige and even Chas, your cat, began sleeping in the spare room. The Bacardi Breezers turned into Glasses of wine – which sums it up really. Steve, your life took a whole new dimension when you met Karen and today is the icing on the cake for you..or if you prefer, the barbeque sauce on the Turkish kebab.
All Joking aside, both Anthony and I are extremely proud and honored today and we would like to wish you both the very best of fortunes in your new life together. Karen, you look beautiful today and Steve you scrub up well for a big lad!
In between looking at some other interesting web sites, including some bloke from Rotherham on EBay trying to sell some old well thumbed porn mags from the 70””s, I managed to pick a few quotes up from the internet.
Karen:
Remember that men are like a fine wine.
They start out like grapes.
and then it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you””d like to have dinner with.
Steve:
Women too are like wine.
They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind.
And then they turn full bodied with age, and eventually give you a splitting headache!
I personally would like to thank Steve for being such a great friend over the years, we””ve had some great times together and I couldn””t of thought of a better bloke to be my best mate. I think you have met your perfect life partner in Karen and truly believe you have met your equal, although she is much better looking and has a much more appealing waist line.
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, it gives both Anthony and I great pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding and, raise your glasses to new Mr and Mrs O””Mara.
Steve and Karen