Speech by Richard Hall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Hall
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen

THANKS
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Lee for his kind words, and may I also say that they have done a fantastic job today and all of them look absolutely beautiful.
I'd also like to say that Susan looks absolutely stunning today as I'm sure you will all agree
Unfortunately for the wedding photographs, Lee just looks stunned.

BEST MAN's JOB
When Lee asked me to be his Best man I consulted the Internet for help. I must confess I was perplexed by some of the things I was expected to do:
Help the groom dress – thanks, but no… If he hasn't learned by now then he never will…
That he goes to the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
That his shoes are tied;
That his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, I'm not convinced that I stood a chance);
That he has nothing between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
That his trouser flies are done up…

And I came to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for Nanny ! I also found out some other interesting things on the internet, but now is definitely not the time to tell you what they were !

However, I have taken the job of being best man seriously. I was to ensure :

That Lee got to the Service on time, which he was,
That he was well dressed and looking smart which I'm sure you will agree he is,
And that he got a good nights sleep last night, and I'm pleased to report he slept like a baby.… he woke up every half hour like clockwork, crying for his Mum.

LEE
So what can I say about Lee?
Well, he's:
Witty
Intelligent
Charming
Successful
Han.. Han … Sorry mate, I'm having trouble reading your writing.

I've been racking my brain for the last couple of weeks trying to think of suitable stories to be said about Lee today. I briefly flirted with the idea of recounting the Stag night, but I quickly realised that if I did I would be beaten up by 7 or 8 blokes – so that idea disappeared very quickly.

Lee's teenage years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping in the bathroom, cuddled up to the toilet bowl… it's good to know that some things never change…

At school, Lee tried many sports to no avail, When he tried rugby he was told his tackle was not big enough. He tried cross country running but could not stand the pace, and when it came to football, he was useless in every position; Whether Susan can confirm those three things for us I don't know, but I hope she has more luck!

Now of course, I'm not the only person in this room that Lee knows well. In fact, this place is stuffed with people that have an opinion on him. So, I thought it would be an idea to find out what some of you think of the groom, and share your thoughts at his wedding. Over the last few weeks I've been approaching his friends and colleagues – this is what just a few of you said.

Gerry, Lee's Boss (and I can quote him now as he's not here), said,
“Working with Lee is like working with a God: He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.”
Jason, another absent colleague, rang me the other day and said
“Lee's really looking forward to the wedding, and especially the honeymoon – he's being going on about it all week. One thing I can't understand though, is why he's taken to wearing fake tan to the office .… “

Unfortunately, Lee has also been described as arrogant, insensitive and selfish. And let's face it; if anyone should know him it is his Mum.

I had a long conversation with Lee's Mum to delve deep into his childhood, and unearth some embarrassing tales. If you are all sitting comfortably, then I shall begin …

MAIN STORY

At the age of 7 or 8, possibly during the long summer holidays, Lee pestered the life out of his Mum and Dad to stay in the back Garden in their tent overnight. After going on and on and on all day, Lee eventually got his way, and, armed with toys and juice & biscuits, he went to bed in the tent under one condition – that he was not to come back in and out of the house all night and keep everyone else awake. Now, being 7 years old, after drinking lots of juice and being all excited about sleeping in the tent in the back garden, nature called during the middle of the night. Remembering the rules, Lee didn't go back in the house to go to the toilet. Nor did he, as most of us would have done, get out of the tent and go in the garden. At this point I'd like to paint a picture for you all, and let's see Lee's reaction:
I have here a bucket of Lego: (produce bucket)
I also have here a pint of water, and you've already guessed what's coming next. (pour pint into bucket).
That done, I imagine Lee fell soundly asleep. Next morning, Lee's childhood wisdom did not lead him to dispose of the contents of his Lego bucket in the garden. Nor even, down the toilet after packing up the tent and toys. Instead, the Lego bucket and it's unusual contents went up to Lee's bedroom. And stayed there for two weeks. One bucket, one wee, some floating Lego, and an incredible smell, as discovered by Lee's Mum a fortnight later ..

ADVICE

I spoke to many people asking for their advice to give to you today. Rather than stand here for hours, I'll just give you the top 3:

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything as Susan says!
Secondly, never be afraid that Susan will leave you – she's spent years training you already, she's not going to throw that away lightly!
Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words at least once a day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”

As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.
Lee, we have had some great times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great friend to me over the past few years, and you are one of the most genuine, most sincere, and unselfish people I have ever known, and it is truly a great honour to be your best man.

I'd like to say a few words about Susan now. I'm afraid I don't really recall the first time I met her, as it was one of the very, VERY rare occasions when I was slightly drunk. However over the last year or two I've got to know Susan quite well. She is one of the most caring and kindest people I have ever met, and that is a quality that is so very rare.
You are both very lucky people to have found each other.

TOAST
Now, if you could join me in a toast to some very important people, without who today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point will shuffle past them and exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the bar staff.

And of course we should not forget the new Mrs & Mrs Squire.

I would like to say to you both “may your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever”.
Today is a day when each one of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is there will be sad moments as well as glad. Yet I know that today we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come, and I am sure that the love between Lee and Susan will be strong enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bride and Groom …