Speech by Richard Hayton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Hayton
Speech Date: 30/06/2011 13:34:41

Good afternoon ladies, gentleman, boys and girls. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you're either me (because I am) or you just married David Barwick!

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others have fallen?

A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, and where none can say a bad word against him?

But enough about me, what I`m really here for this afternoon is to talk about David Barwick

Are we all having a good time?

Don't worry, I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn't take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Barwick. (Take drinks and sit down).

Just joking I'm not going to speak too long today because of my throat (give a little cough) if I go on too long Anne Marie has threatened to cut it!

In case you haven't guessed it, the reason I'm stood up here now is because I am the assistant best man. Elliot is the main best man, Johnny the MC is my co assistant best man.

Anyway my name is Richard Hayton and I have the dubious honour of co best man today.

So what defines a best man's duties? Well I did some research and one site I found broadly described the best man duties as being – And I quote:

“At the reception the best man should help keep things running smoothly by offering around drinks and introducing people”.

Now look – I don't mind socialising part but at £4.00 a pint I would remind everyone that the hip flask I smuggled in will only go around the top table. So my apologies for that!!

Thanks You's

OK – Introductions out the way – Now for some thank you's

Firstly, can I just direct your attention towards the Chief bridesmaid Jo who looks gorgeous today; let's have a round of applause for her!

I'd also like to thank the ushers Paul and Jem for turning up sober. I know David had a dilemma when selecting a couple of guys to do the hugely difficult task of telling people where to sit!

Dave and Anne Marie have also asked me to thank all the staff here at the Saddleworth Hotel for all their hard work and ensuring today went as so smoothly, I think you agree with me that they've done a pretty good job, what an amazing place!

I have been asked to thank you all for coming and the gifts that you have so generously donated. I must say I struggled to decide what to get, I wanted to give Dave something he genuinely needed, but it's such a struggle to figure out how to wrap a bath!

And last but certainly not least, I would like to thank Anne Marie.  Obviously the focus of everyone's attention today, I am sure you will agree is as graceful and beautiful as an angel. Annie you look like one in a million.

Dave, you on the other hand look like you were won in a raffle! Only joking you look great.

Lead in to Stories

I think every man (and maybe even some women) in the room will agree with me when I say that today is a sad sad day for us all, knowing that a woman like Anne Marie is now off the market.

And Dave looks ok doesn't he, he's tried his best, bless, I'm sure some of the ladies here today think he's not so bad!

Some of you, incidentally, may have been surprised by how calm and collected Dave has seemed today – he seemed to have avoided the wedding day jitters.

However, that's probably because none of you saw him at 9:00 o'clock this morning when he was lying on his bed, with his mum rubbing his back trying to get him to eat one more spoonful of sugar puffs.

So let's talk about Dave:

I can honestly say, in all the years I've known Dave, no one has ever questioned his intelligence. In fact, I've never heard anyone even mention it! I'll give you some examples.

His mum tells me he was a slow starter, at playschool he was different from all the other 5 year olds, and he was 11.

I remember one time we walked past McDonalds in Sunderland, there was a sign in the window saying Free Big Mac, I pointed this out to Mark and he said “why what did he do?”

So before I formally begin Mark's character assassination I thought I better get some clearance from Anne Marie. Unfortunately I didn't think about doing this till about 10 mins ago when she advised me of my do‘s and don'ts. She said:

Don't mention ex-girlfriends

Don't swear

Don't tell risqué jokes

Don't tell lies

Do tell mostly positive stories about the groom- throw away 5 cards

Joke

Ok, a quick topical joke to get you all in the mood

The Creation of Woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,

‘Lord, I have a problem.’

‘What's the problem, Adam?’ God replies.

‘Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy’

‘Why is that, Adam?’ comes the reply from the heavens.

‘Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.’

‘Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.’

‘What's a ‘woman’, Lord?’

‘This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire.

She will be the perfect companion for you.’, replies the heavenly voice.

‘Sounds great.’

‘She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.’

‘How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?’, Adam replies.

‘She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.’

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.

Finally Adam says to God, ‘Errrrrm, an arm, a  leg, an eye, an ear, and a testicle?

‘That's right Adam’ says God

What can I get for a rib?’

The rest, as they say, is history.

Stories

Seriously though, let's talk about Dave.  I thought it unfair to use just my opinion so I decided that it might be a good idea to ask people what they thought of Dave.

Firstly Dave's work colleagues, ex work colleagues and football colleagues. There are a few dotted around the place today – Macca, put your hand up.

Anyone else whose worked or played football with Dave??

Well Dave you will be please to know that they unanimously referred to you as godlike…..

1. When asked to qualify this they said – they never see you, you make your own rules if you do any work, and it's a bloody miracle

2. Secondly I asked Dave's long suffering Brother Paul who described Dave as being a wonderful Younger brother who over the years has been thoughtful, kind, understanding and generous.

Having known the Barwick foundation for most of my life, I can vouch for this as Paul and I would never have had so many nights out if Dave hadn't constantly been subbing one or the other of us with beer money!

3. Thirdly I considered my own experiences and friendship with Dave. Those of you who know Dave well will know that he has a seriously competitive edge and occasionally a slightly quirky sense of humour.

I can give you two examples of this strangle behaviour:

Some years ago Dave and I went on a boy's trip to Newcastle; we were to meet up with a couple friends from that area, Harry and Big Dave.

Big Dave was a high flyer at Sunderland Football club and had got us a couple of tickets on the Sunday for the match against Leeds United, in the director's box.

The plan was to go up on the Saturday, have night out with Harry and Big Dave and then watch the match on the Sunday.

We arrived in plenty of time, booked into our hotel room, single beds as opposed to the Stag Night, but that's a different story.

We met Harry and Big Dave at the Bigg Market in Newcastle, I don't know if any of you are familiar with the area, but it's the part you sometimes see on TV where all the young girls get really hammered and walk around in virtually no clothes, so that was interesting!

Big Dave, being a bit of a local minor celebrity, had a surprise for us he had organised for us to go onto Bahaa's night club, which is just off the famous bridge in Newcastle on the Quayside.

We arrived and were immediately directed into the VIP area, which was great, free drinks, we were very happy, especially when we were  introduced to Jessica Taylor, she was a singer from the pop band liberty X, the one who has married cricketer Kevin Peterson, and recently starred in dancing on Ice.

Anyway, things were going great; there we were in great company, slightly inebriated in the VIP area of the best club in Newcastle chit chatting with a Pop Star celebrity.

Have you all got the picture in your minds?…….

What happened next I still can't explain,………

For some inexplicable reason Dave's legs just went… maybe he was star struck, overawed by the whole occasion, anyway, whatever the reason he went down,

Next thing he was on his back looking up at Jessica Taylor,

We all stepped back to give him a bit of room,

I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, but every time he got halfway up his legs went again, it seemed to be happening in slow motion and went on for  what seemed like ages.

Some people near us thought he was break dancing.

Eventually he when managed to get on his feet,………

He just carried on talking to Jessica as if nothing had happened,

Dead cool, he looked across at me, winked, and said I think I got away with that.

I know Dave was very proud of himself that night.

The next day we went home but not before we had a great day at the football match which incidentally Leeds won 2-0! Get in!

Now Let's go back even further in time, probably to before Anne Marie was even born!

The first time we worked together was at Halifax Motor Company, a Ford dealership in Halifax where Dave was employed as a car salesman.

He'd worked there a couple of years when he handed his notice in because being the ambitious guy he was, he was moving on to bigger and better things.

Back In those days we provided the sales team with a suit, to keep them smart, you know…

He worked his notice period without anything unusual happening, until the last day…………

Now I'm not sure whether or not Dave was aware………..

But we had a strange custom where the on the last day the other salesmen would basically cut the trousers off the guy who was leaving.

This was a bit cruel because he would have to get home minus his trousers.  We thought it was hilarious and I suppose it was fair enough as the company technically owned suit.

However, on this occasion the lads got a bit more than they bargained for, because as David's trousers were forcibly removed by the guys with their little scissors.

To our total horror we discovered he was wearing stockings and suspenders… yes the full kit, could it get any worse? …….

Well yes because when he turned round we could all see he was wearing a thong! 

It was a horrible, shocking, shocking sight.  I mean Dave is quite a hairy Guy.

He's not in Johnny's league, he's like one of them wolf boys, but nevertheless quite disturbing, think Fatima Whitbread with the full kit on!

The outcome was devastating…………2 of the guys fainted from shock, 1 was physically sick!

And another was left seriously disturbed, couldn't work for 7 months and I believe he is still having counselling to this day.

I know it's traditional for the Bride to be wearing sexy underwear, but I can't help but wonder if they are both sat there in stockings and suspenders, did you have a big row this week about who was wearing what ?..… I know Dave prefers Agent Provocateur!

Finally – Some Advice – I should Know about these things,  I've been married three times myself, although I met my match this time, anyway…….

Obviously being assistant best man I was with Dave last night on his final night of freedom and I have spent much of the last month in his company chatting about how much of a good husband he will be to you Annie.

Last night I as we were talking I asked him what it was he wanted from his marriage.

He said. “Well, I want to be a model husband and I want to be a model citizen.”

And he added with a cheeky grin that he also wanted to be a model lover!!

Being the naïve chap that I am, I looked up the word “model” in the dictionary it said:

“A small, miniature replica of the real thing”!!!

Annie:  Remember men are like tiled floors……………………………..… Lay them right first time and you can spend years walking all over them.

Dave: Firstly set the ground rules and establish whose boss……….… Then do everything Annie says.

10 things NOT to say on your wedding night

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2.  Try breathing through your nose.

3  Can you please pass me the remote control?

4. And to think – I was really trying to pick up your friend!

5. Got any penicillin?

6. I think you have it on backwards.

7. When is this supposed to feel good?

8. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

9. I have a confession…

10. How long do you plan to be ‘almost there’?

To conclude this part…… yes I am going to sit down in a minute

I spent the last month worrying about this speech but the point of it only came to me yesterday and that is:

Nobody else could possibly stand where I am right now and feel more proud and honoured than me to be able to represent Dave in this small way on this – the most important day of his life.

The Oxford English dictionary defines “union” as an agreement and conjunction of mind, spirit, will, and affections.

When I think of Dave and Anne Marie's marriage, I think of a creation of harmony between their intelligent minds, their indelible spirits. I look forward to being a part of their lives and having them both as a part of my life for many many years to come.

On behalf of the entire wedding party I would like to thank you all for coming to share in this wonderful occasion.