Speech by Richard Mewis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Mewis
Speech Date: Jun 2002
Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and Rick.
For anybody who doesn't know me I'm Pud, and it is with great pleasure and pride that I am Jay's best man today. Before I start, I'd like to read a couple of cards:
[READ CARDS]
At this stage I would like to say a few thank-you's –
Thank-you to Jay on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. I think we all agree that they looked fabulous today and have done a great job. On behalf of everybody here, thank-you to Lyn and Jay for inviting us. It's pretty amazing that so many of our friends and family have been able to congregate abroad like this – it's incredible the lengths some people will go to for a free prawn vol-au-vent. On behalf of the bride and groom I thank everyone for making the trip, quite an achievement for at least one person who realised his passport had expired the day before he was due to fly out. I won't mention any names, but it was Paul Sweetman and he's sitting over there.

Sitting down to write this speech was a daunting task. Where to begin? I've known Jay twenty years now, although my liver swears it's forty. We've had more good times than I can remember – nothing, of course, to do with the vast quantities of alcohol we end up drinking!

Now although it doesn't feel like it, there was a time when I didn't know Jay. So I got some inside information from family and friends.

31 years ago last Jan, a truly wonderful event took place – Crystal Palace didn't get relegated! This date saw the birth of Jason Stuart Martin, one of the many names he's been called over the years. Other choice ones include Greasy Lips, Skipper, Jiz, Guru, Jesus, Fishy, and of course Spunky .Unfortunately I can't tell you what they all mean as this is a family occasion!

After a nappy filling childhood, Jay reached the age of seven – after ten years of trying. This is when he first picked up a squash racket, the only other ball sport he's been keeping up for twenty-four years!

Jay then went to Wickham Common Primary School, where he excelled at sports, and first started to get a keen interest in wearing brightly coloured skin tight shorts!

I first met Jay aged 11, at Hayes Secondary School. We still go back to visit, using it as a cut through to get home from the pub! My most vivid memory of Jay during this time was when we were 15, at my parents New Years Eve party. I'd managed to smuggle in a pint glass of vodka for us to share. Next thing I know, he's drunk the lot in one go! With those immortal words he would learn off by heart: ‘I think I'm going to be sick!’, I rushed him to the bathroom. Now my parents bathroom was about 6′ by 9′, containing a shower, a bath, a sink, a toilet and 2 windows.and Jay managed to miss all of them!

I can't talk about Hayes School without mentioning his pea green Vauxhall Viva, his unhealthy obsession with Level 42 and the day he arrived with highlights in his hair – the first of many tragic hair encounters.

And so it was in June 1990 – 12 years ago this month, Jay and I departed on our European Backpacking Trip, in which we took in 14 countries in 3 months, and learned to say ‘2 beers please’ in 12 languages! The highlight of this trip was making a mad 14 hour non-stop trip from Copenhagen to Turin to watch England in the semi-finals of the World Cup.This kind of started a trend, as Jay and I have always been together, in a foreign country for every World Cup England have played in since! Lyn and Jay were originally planning to get married in England, (to Jay), but why break the habit, eh mate! As I recall, we didn't have much luck with the ladies on that trip, and looking back over the photos it's clear why – in every snap, Jay's wearing brightly coloured, skin tight shorts!

After returning from Europe, Jay went to Swansea University in Wales to study Economics, or as it was known back then, Beer Drinking. I was at this point going to mention the ex-girlfriends Jay met in Wales, but due to the Foot and Mouth outbreak last year, most of them have been culled and incinerated!

When I knew I had to write this, I contacted some of his university friends to hear their side of the story. Now because this is a family occasion, I can't tell you the rude ones or the illegal ones, or the ones involving sheep.after University, Jay graduated and worked in insurance.

I had a rough idea of what Jay was up to during those three years from the letters he wrote to me, which I still have. In his first month he quickly grasped the ethos of university life:

Letter 1. "Hi Pud, hope your works going OK. I must confess I have done absolutely BUGGER ALL so far here. I have been drunk most nights though" .. "The main reason I am writing is do you want to see Level 42 in concert" – How the hell have we remained friends for 20 years with insults like that!’

Letter 2. Just three weeks later I received another letter, where the realities of studying had finally hit home: "I have got to do 4 essays by the end of tomorrow".

Letter 4. – Into June ’91 – "We just had a house inspection today. We failed. They are bringing in the industrial cleaners tomorrow"

Letter 5. Feb ’92: "I am no longer in possession of my visa card"

Letter 6. Oct ’92: "You'll be glad to hear I finally paid off my overdraft" – well, after 3 years it looks like the ECONOMICS was finally sinking in, eh mate!

Letter 7. – The last one was in Dec ’92: "Meeting prospective employers soon, so I'd better get a haircut. I feel weak at the knees at the thought of going near a pair of scissors". – Some things never change! For those of you who don't know, Jay had his hair down past his shoulders for quite a while. When speaking to his mum about Jay, she said she was always jealous of Jay's long hair, this quite surprised me as I thought this would've come from his Dad!

Other University stories from some of the lads include drinking something called purple nasties then falling out the back of the mini bus en route to a curry house.receiving a road sign through the post on his birthday, and winning the final of the European student squash champions in Paris, wearing of course, a pair of brightly coloured skin tight shorts!

It was in 1997 at a friends wedding in Dublin that Lyn and Jay finally got it together. Although not as completely as Jay may claim. For this was the night that Jay, drunk as usual, wowed Lyn on the dance floor to Level 42, then wooded her to his room where he whispered softly in her her "I really want to make love to you", then promptly fell asleep!

I knew they were going to be right for each other when at one of our infamous Vincent Close fancy dress parties, they were found canoodling in the kitchen – Lyn dressed as a giant pumpkin and Jay as the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz.

It's true to say Jays had his fair share of jobs too, which include used car sales and leasing, insurance broking, pyramid selling for Amway, selling beauty products and squash coaching, after which he realised his strengths laid in his vast experience of ball sports (was that because of the beauty products or the squash?!)

Nearly 2 years ago, another truly miraculous event took place – no, still not Palace winning anything, but the birth of their beautiful daughter Madeline. I personally thought Madeline was the perfect name, but for a while Lyn and Jay were considering finding a name that reflected the place she was conceived, but somehow Radox Martin didn't sound right. Madeline's actually my Goddaughter, an honour I'm thrilled to be bestowed with.

We all know Jay's never one to do things by half, so when he suggested having his Stag Do in Las Vegas, we knew it would be rude not to. We carefully worked out an itinery that would take in all the sights and sounds of this bachelors playground – NASCAR racing, flights over the Grand Canyon, a baseball game etc. But as soon as we arrived, the itinery went out of the window in a frenzy of drink, gambling, pulleys, cling film and visits to strip., er, down the main strip…that runs.through Vegas. Anyway, the highlights have to be stealing all Jays clothes while he was in the shower, leaving him only a dress to wear to breakfast, waking up at 8.30, thinking it's a bit early to get up, then realising it's 8.30 at night!, and wrapping Jay in clingfilm naked and handcuffed then sending him in the lift to the hotel lobby alone with a sign on his back saying ‘if found, please return to room 1082’. And yes, I've brought the video with me and will be playing it after the meal. Before I finish, I'd like to read a couple of telegrams.

To Jay: ‘Please keep buying our albums -you're the last one’: from Level
42.

To Lyn: ‘Shame it didn't work between us. However, if the rumours are true
about Jay's shorts, ring me’ from George Clooney.

To Jay: Can I please have my shorts back now please? Love and kisses, Julian
Clary.

To round off, the latest letter I received from Jay is without doubt my favourite, and it's dated 3 weeks ago: ‘Dear Pud, we'd like to invite you to our wedding.’

I couldn't be happier for you both. Jay, you're a lucky man. You've found yourself a beautiful wife. Lyn, I hope Jay brings as much happiness to you as a husband as he's brought me as a friend. Finally, I'd like you to all be standing while I propose a toast:

Repeat after me:

Le signore ed i signori il bride e governano.

The Bride and Groom.