Speech by Richard Newton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Newton
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Hello everyone! can you all hear me ok at the back ?….well in that case can someone please get me a beer.

I must say I was a little worried in making this speech today, until I saw your faces and realised that you are all like me, Drunk. for this I'd like to thank Shane and Rebecca for having their wedding in a pub.

For those who do not know me my name is Richard and I have known Shane for as long as I can remember: actually my memory is quite poor and only stretches back as far as last Wednesday; but I'm sure I've known him for longer that! I hope still to be friends at the end of this speech.

So Shane and Rebecca have finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Shane couldn't have done any better and Rebecca couldn't have done any worse.

I must say that I think Rebecca looks absolutely stunning
and as for Shane he just looks stunned! No Shane looks the part as well although he has copied my outfit

I would like to thank the Brides Maids for firstly performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day. I'd also like to congratulate them for doing such a great job in making sure that Rebecca went against her better judgement and didn't change her mind. Thanks also go to the Ushers who have done a great job ushering people.

Thanks should also go to Rebecca's parents for paying for a large share of the cost of this wedding. And Finally on behalf of Shane and Rebecca I would like to say a thank you to everyone here today for turning up and making it such a great day.

Rebecca, I fell I need to tell you about the man who you have married.
Shane can be described as Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, Generous , A great footballer and Per…Per…Sorry Shane, I'm having trouble reading your writing.

Actually here is the real Shane (show picture)

For those who don't know Shane's nickname is Noddy. He was christened this not due to his Noddy locking face but due to his immense stupidity. An example of this was when
He went to Chinese restaurant and tried to drink the contents of the finger bowl as he thought it was soup. Another example was when we were in a pizza hut the waiter serving us asked the Shane if he would like his pizza cut in four pieces or eight pieces, Shane replied " Cut it in four pieces, I don't think I could manage eight"…

Shane has been known to enjoy a good drink now and then, normal he enjoys it at someone else's expense, however I do remember a rare occasion when he did go and buy a round,it was during happy hour. When he return he had all the wrong drinks and was so tight that he didn't buy himself one.

Shane can be described as being so tight he owes himself money. I don't know if you have noticed that Shane has had to get a specially designed suit for today. It needed to have the arms shortened and the trouser pockets needed to be made extra deep.

At this point in my speech I would have liked to have told you about the stag night. I wanted to tell you how drunk Shane got and the mischief that he got up to and even about the night clubs he got thrown out of, but the law of the stag does not allow me to do this, also Shane's solicitor has advised caution until the court case next month. However I can tell you of the incident when Shane and his mate Rich hired out a Jet Ski. Shane was boasting of his jetski skills and was saying it is the best thing anyone could do. He and Rich had a 10-minute safety introduction on how to ride the jetskies and off they both went, only for Shane to return within 3 minutes white as a sheet, and shaking like a leaf. He was completely petrified. Actually I can reveal a little more about the stag weekend as unbeknown to Shane the whole weekend was secretly filmed at Rebeca's request. And here it is (hand over Noddy video)

I'm going to take a little time to talk about Shane's previous loves. He met a nice little blond called Stella early on in life and was smitten, but they soon parted company due to their differences. Shane then went through his experiment stage with Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker but it was always going to be a rocky relationship. He moved on to Sherry but once again it never lasted. I think he has now found his ideal match with Becks.

After sometime with Becks he was given a screaming orgasm, I'm talking about the cocktail of course! However Shanes love of cocktails soon diminished after a certain incident in a certain Essex night-club.

Shane describes himself as an excellent football player, it is true that Shane sometimes tries to play football for a Sunday five a side team and in fact I have a telegram here that they have sent. It is a message for Rebecca and it reads "We have found that Shane is useless in all positions and so we hope you will have more luck" they have also enclosed a voucher for some jetski lessons.

I think it maybe time to turn the attention to Rebecca. It has been a little difficult in getting stories on Rebecca but with the help of various family members and friends I have a few pictures to show you.

Picture one
(baby picture) As you can see Rebbeca has not changed a bit since she was a baby.
Picture two
(crying picture) Although I guess she wasn't always a happy child as you can see
Picture three
(Nurse) here is Rebecca in a nurse uniform. Has she still got the uniform Shane ?
Picture four
(surprise look) here we have Rebecca when Shane asked her to marry him.
Picture five
(writing) and this is Rebecca making out her wedding list
Picture six
(dodge) This is picture of Rebeccas early fashion attempts.
Picture seven
(Doll one) and here we have the earliest picture of Rebecca and Shane.
Picture Eight
(hair) and finally here is Rebecca during a full moon.

Now, comes the time when I ask you if you could join me in a toast to some very special people, without whom today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point will pass by them and exchange a few kind words.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the bar staff.

Please repeat after me "may your fridge always be filled with Beer"

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances.

It gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Shane and Rebecca.

To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple; To the Bride and Groom.