Speech by Richard Parr

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Parr
Speech Date: feb 2003

As you can imagine I'm feeling a little nervous standing up here. But I was told that a good way
to calm the nerves was to imagine that the all audience is naked. Standing here, that has
mixed blessings. Especially with Lee in the front row!

Well, Ladies & Gentleman for those of you who don't know me, my name is Richard Parr and I'm lucky enough (I think) to be Chris's Best Man. So unaccustomed, as I am to public speaking it befalls upon me to say thank you to Chris on behalf of the beautiful Bridesmaids for his kind words. I'm sure you'll agree with me that the girls all look stunning today.

Now as you know it is customary on these occasions for the Best Man to regale you all
with jokes and amusing tales. However when Chris did me the kind honour of asking me to be his Best Man he did say that this would come with some conditions attached.
Namely that there would be a list of taboo subjects that I couldn't mention in my speech.

High on the list of speech no-no's were . Northern jokes as no doubt you'll be aware
Laura hails from the beautiful county of Derbyshire.
I also can't mention any of the following : Chris's hairline Chris's previous relationships
Chris's love of eating The Stag Do and rather bizarrely, Nurses Uniforms!!

So if you hear me getting close to any of these subjects please warn me.
Well as you have already gathered these restrictions have severely limited the
comedy potential of this speech. I therefore
consulted some of those Wedding Guidebooks
for inspiration.

The first book I picked up was entitled the
‘Best, Best Man’….but that was £7.99 so
instead I chose the cheaper.…
‘Bluffers Guide to being Best Man’.

The first thing that the ‘Bluffers’ guide
Suggested was that The Best Man tell the
story of how the lovely couple first met.

Chris in his speech has already touched
upon the rather strange circumstances
of their meeting but let me provide a
brief summary for you.

Well Chris used to work in an Estate Agents…
now just for the benefit of our guests from the
North, an Estate Agent is a bit like a shop.
In the same way as you buy your black pudding
in a Butcher; down here in the South you can
actually buy a house by visiting an Estate Agent.

In fact, Chris like myself has had a few careers
in his time, but when we were both at school he
actually wanted to join the army.
The reason he gave….so he could kill people!!

Anyway our heroine, Laura, enters the Agents
where Chris worked and asks whether they
have any rental accommodation. Rather like
Rigsby in Rising Damp, Chris stands up,
wrings his hands at the thought of Laura
becoming his ‘Miss Jones’ and offers her the
spare room in his house. Amazingly Laura agrees.

When Chris rang me to tell me he'd let his spare
room to a young female Graduate I was of course
naturally keen to know what she looked like..…
I mean what degree she'd taken. Chris told me
that the lady in question, Laura, was a very
intelligent and attractive Blonde!! Now that
last word…BLONDE…of course, sadly dashed
any prospect of romance between landlord and
lodger.

As those of you who are acquainted with
Chris know…almost as important as food
was Chris's appetite for Brunettes. Indeed,
Chris would confirm to anyone who
Asked that, Laura was ‘not his type’.

Chris was actually a late starter with women.
I remember witnessing his first snog at a party
when we were 16. Unfortunately the party in
question was his younger brothers fourteenth
birthday bash and the girl in question was
actually Nicks then girlfriend!!

Although passions took a little while to reach
boiling point Chris understandably started to
develop feelings for the lovely Laura, despite
her hair colour.

Now if there are any single men in the audience
you need to take some notes for this next bit as
I'm going to describe how, the Love God that is
Chris, wooed the girl of his affections.

Because in a very romantic gesture late one
night, Chris left a present outside Laura's
door after she had gone to bed, a true sign
that he was seeking more than just his monthly
rent. Laura duly awoke the following morning
to find the first of many thoughtful presents
Chris would buy placed outside her door..…
And yes tonight here is that very first present……
…yes it really is a Colander!!!

Even as he expressed his growing desire for Laura,
Chris still had time for his first love……his stomach!

I'm reliably informed that Chris did improve his
present buying skills and for the next 3 years
Laura received a lovingly wrapped CD on
each birthday.

Well that story killed a minute or two so I'll move
onto another suggestion from ‘The Bluffers Guide’.
The guide suggested that it would be highly
amusing to look up the Zodiac Signs of the newly
married couple and pick out a few typical traits to
highlight their personalities. Now I'm no great
believer in the Stars but see if you can pick out
who this is from the Traits of their Star Sign;

it starts off ok…this person is Sensitive & Kind
but also a Dreamer. They are Weak-willed,
Easily Led, Submissive & Subordinate…
Any ideas. Well that was of course Pisces
the Fish, Chris's Sign.

Now Laura is a Goat…
by that I mean she is a Capricorn. She is
Practical & Disciplined, Strong Willed &
Stubborn, Determined, Confident and expects
her Underlings to perform their tasks to the
Highest Standard. Any similarities there?

It is true to say that Laura does like to make
sure that Chris is kept busy. But I know for a
fact that he loves being on the end of her tight
rein and running around to complete her ‘To Do’
lists certainly keeps him fitter.

In fact, I knew that Chris was taking this Wedding
seriously when he told me a couple of months ago
that he was planning a strict diet from then on.
Unfortunately I couldn't understand what he said
next because he had a mouth full of Mars Bar!

They do make a great couple though and if you
are ever lucky enough to get invited to their
house, make sure you go, as Chris and Laura
are fantastic hosts.… Chris is renowned for
his impersonations of famous people.…
when you bump into him later, ask him to do
his Michael Caine…it's uncanny

and of course Laura is a virtuoso on the Piano.
One memorable evening she serenaded us with
her interpretation of the hits of Robbie Williams.
After 6 or 7 unrecognisable tunes she realised
that the song sheet was upside down!

Seriously though, Chris and I have been great
friends now for over 20 years now. I know I get
a great deal out of our friendship……standing
next to Chris when we go out, always makes me
feel younger & slimmer.

I sometimes wonderthough what he gets out
of our friendship as over the years I've
managed to cause Chris several injuries.
For example, on one occasion during a 5-a-side
football game, Chris unusually found himself
furthest forward in attack with just
one man between him and a certain if rare goal.

I of course was that last man on the other team
and as great friends often are we can be quite
competitive. In no mood to let Chris score, I
launched into a rather over zealous tackle,
causing Chris to fly through the air in a
spectacular fall. Unfortunately Chris hadn't learnt
how to fall properly which resulted in a 2 hour
wait in Casualty nursing a broken wrist.

A few years earlier I also caused some damage
to Chris's unique nose. Whilst horsing around
in the pool of our Portuguese Villa, I saw
floating upside down in the water, apparently
dead, one of those huge, ugly, black monsters
of a bug, the sort you only find abroad. I of
course thought it would be highly amusing
to shout out ‘look at this’ and together with
a few gallons of water scoop it up and throw
the beast towards Chris.

As the spray cleared I saw Chris reeling back in
the water with this gigantic insect attached to
the end of his nose. It wasn't dead after all.
As you can imagine he was not best pleased
and rather unfairly I thought, blamed his
pulsating red nose for his lack of success
with the women during the rest of the holiday.

Chris is a great traveller and can make himself
understood in nearly every language…..One
evening in Ibiza after a night out we were on
our way back to our apartment in a Taxi with
Chris sitting in the front. After a few Sangrias
too many he started a feel a little queasy.
Feeling the need to be sick but unable to speak
for fear of vomiting on the Taxi Driver, Chris
with a magnificent example of Mime, tapped
on the guys shoulder, pointed to his puffed
out mouth and then to the door.
The Taxi Driver pulled up, and as smooth as
James Bond, Chris did his stuff on the kerb,
shut the door again and we were off! Pure Class!

Well those carefree days are over and all Chris
has to look forward too now is a fantastic 3
week holiday to the US and Mexico in the
company of his beautiful bride!

But just before I sit down though can I just say
a big Thank You to the guys who went on
Chris's Stag Do to Newcastle. A great weekend
was had by all. I've actually got something that
Chris left behind in that fantastic City.
Apparently Chris this item of clothing has
taken pride of place in the Newcastle Museum
since December, as they've never seen a jacket
worn out on a Friday night until you visited.
you can explain its re-appearance to Laura later !

Just before I ask you to join me in a toast I in
Partnership with the man himself I have some cards
From absent friends and family to read out…Chris

Well, as I've already mentioned, I've known this
great and true friend Chris for over 20 years
now. But in all those years I can honestly say
that I've never seen him as happy and contented
as he is now in the company of the beautiful
Laura.

Can I therefore please ask you all to stand with
me now and raise your glasses in a toast to the
happy couple.

To Chris & Laura, wishing you true health, happiness
& success in you future together.