Speech by Richard Peters

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Peters
Speech Date: oct 2004
THANK YOU LADIES & GENTLEMEN…AND THANK YOU ALSO TO TERRY FOR THOSE FINE WORDS!!

TO QUOTE GROUCHO MARX… AFTER AN INTRO LIKE THAT I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO HEAR MYSELF SPEAK!

My name is Richie Peters and I am best man today…and FRANKLY there's not a whole lot you can do about that! As I said to my wife : I'm not sure why Terry asked me to be Best Man….”perhaps it was to make himself look better in the photos”….she said!!!

WHEN PREPARING THIS SPEECH A WISE OLD MAN OFFERED THE FOLLOWING ADVICE.… THE SPEECH SHOULD ONLY LAST AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR THE GROOM TO MAKE LOVE. SO ONCE AGAIN.. YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE ; THANK YOU LADIES & GENTLEMEN..…

IF ONLY I WAS JOKING…………

I CONFESS I WAS FEELING RATHER NERVOUS ABOUT THIS WHOLE SPEECH EXPERIENCE …SO TO HELP ME OUT I PREPARED A COUPLE OF LINES…AND NOW I'VE SNIFFED THEM I FEEL MUCH BETTER!

SO DOWN TO BUSINESS…’COS AS THE MAN IN MOSS BROS SAID..”THERE'S A LOT TO FIT IN”

THANK YOUS.…

On behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank TERRY for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely wonderful, and have done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Jackie ready and to the church on time. From what I hear she put up quite a fight.

JACKIE: obviously goes without saying you look fantastic….… Thanks for coming!

YOU HAVE MARRIED A GREAT BLOKE IN TERRY. SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE NOT TO HAVE HIM AS A FRIEND…
SOMETIMES THE SMILE LASTS FOR HOURS.

WHILST WE TOUCHED EARLIER ON THE SUBJECT OF BRIDESMAIDS…WHEN REHEARSING THIS SPEECH THIS MORNING I OVERHEARD THEM ARGUING BETWEEN THEMSELVES AS TO WHICH OF THEM WOULD HAVE THE HONOUR OF DANCING FIRST WITH THE BEST MAN..…

“ NO YOU GO FIRST…”
“ NO YOU…”

Thanks also to the ushers…Ian; Anthony & Daniel: GREAT USHING LADS!

BEST MAN'S DUTIES:

MOST OF THE REFERENCE BOOKS TELL YOU THAT THERE ARE 3 ‘MUST DO’ DUTIES…

ON TIME……no problem, a small drink or 2 last night and he slept like a Baby…woke up every hour calling for his Mummy!!

SOBER…again successful

WELL GROOMED..INCLUDING HAIR AND TEETH IN ORDER… I'M BEST MAN NOT A BLOODY MAGICIAN!!

I DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK TOO FAR THOUGH FOR SOME GUIDANCE.… NONE OF YOU WILL BE AWARE BUT JACKIE DID ACTUALLY HAVE THE FORESIGHT TO e-MAIL ME A LIST OF DO'S & DON'T’S….AND I'LL SHARE THE FLAVOUR OF THAT LIST WITH YOU NOW……….…
*****************e-MAIL******************
EMAIL………….…

FROM: JACKIE WILCOX

TO: RICHIE PETERS…

PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL E-MAIL

RICHIE,
I was very pleased when Terry asked you to be best man at our wedding. I
instantly knew he had made the right decision. I have known you for some time now and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, intelligent, better looking or downright sexy than you to fulfill this crucial role on our big day.
As we get close to the wedding, most tasks have been taken care of but there are two areas that do cause me a little concern………….your speech and your conduct.
I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at Terry, with stories and jokes about his past exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.
With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all
have a wonderful day:

DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Terry sing
DO NOT let Terry talk…a lot.
DO NOT mention Terry's little problem
DO NOT let Terry drink sherry
DO NOT let Terry drink babycham
DO NOT let Terry drink

She goes on to mention a list of acceptable duties….BUT SORRY JACKIE I DRAW THE LINE AT PUTTING VASELINE ON TERRY'S RING!!

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THE FINAL BEST MAN DUTY: I HAD TO DELIVER SOME INPUT TO THE SEATING ARRANGEMENTS FOR TODAY'S LAVISH MEAL…

I pondered and pondered of how I was going to arrange the seating, When the best combination of all, I could think of, was to go by present size, the bigger present received the nearer to the front, and the smaller present the further to the back of the room, I'd like to thank Howard and Hilda sitting at the back of the room "for the egg-cup!"
THANK YOU!

EARLY YEARS.

TO BE HONEST I ‘VE ONLY KNOWN TERRY FOR ABOUT 4197 DAYS SO IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT FOR ME TO GIVE YOU AN INSIGHT INTO THE MAN . HOWEVER: I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE TO LET THE TRUTH GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY…

20/MAY 1963. OUR BOY ARRIVES!! DIFFICULT I know for you to imagine but………..…

HE WAS NOT THE PRETTIEST CHILD….IN FACT I HEARD THAT THE MID-WIFE SLAPPED HIS PARENTS!

His mother only started Morning Sickness after he was born!!

IN FACT HE WAS NEARLY CALLED THURSDAY TOMLINSON; HIS DAD TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM & SAID “LISTEN LOVE I THINK WE SHOULD CALL IT A DAY…!

AS HE GREW UP THINGS DIDN'T IMPROVE MUCH… & FRIENDS WERE HARD TO COME BY; BY THE TIME HE was 6 his dad had taken to tying a bone round Terry's neck..just to get the dog to play with him!!

Nevertheless…HIS DAD TIRELESSLY attended every PARENT'S EVENING & ALWAYS ASKED THE SAME HOPEFUL QUESTION:

“WHAT DO YOU THINK HE WILL BE WHEN HE LEAVES SCHOOL?”

…USUAL ANSWER……….’BOUT 24 OR SO!!

ANYWAY…it's about time I said something nice about him…
TERRY WAS ONCE DESCRIBED AS ANNOYING & ARGUMENTATIVE. Well his Mother should know!! For those of you who don't really know Terry…he is an ENLIGHTENED THINKER, GIFTED ATHLETE, CUNNING LINGUIST… intelligent, easy-going, generous, witty, annoying & argumentative!
TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT HERE'S a short anecdote that reveals the caring sharing side of Terry;

‘Terry the Romantic’ .… WELL WHEN I SAY ROMANTIC I SUPPOSE I SHOULD TEMPER THAT WITH A ‘PRACTICAL’ SIDE:

Gloves Story: background is that Terry wishes to impress Jackie with a suitable Xmas present for their first Xmas together. He decides on a pair of gloves but when paying he bumps into his prospective sis-in-law who is buying some sexy knickers. They get chatting at the till, the assistant serves them together, gift-wrapping their respective purchases…needless to say mixing them up….so Terry wanders off with a gift wrapped pair of knickers thinking they are gloves……here's the letter he wrote and posted to Jackie with the gift…

Dear Bunnykins,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister Nikki, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones, which are easier to remove.
These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly marked at all. I had her try yours on and she looked smart.
I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you at the weekend.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them Saturday night.
All My Love,
Terry.

P.S. According to the Sunday Times fashion supplement; the latest style, is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

SSTAG-NIGHT:=
Unfortunately the Law of the Stag does not allow me to share too much of the detail of either Stag-Night.

Just requires a quick THANK-YOU to Terry for organising the cultural tour of Barcelona…the quality of those ANTIQUE markets was superb.… extensive range of Knobs & Knockers!!

And the Liverpool event: suffice to say that the DUCK has since made a full recovery; but the Donkey wasn't so lucky! The RSPCA advise that it is still recovering in their sanctuary just down the road from here….if any of you wish to visit it's the nervous looking one in the corner of the field; though please DON'T approach it from behind.

CARDS:
Genuine…..???

Bluff..…

#1. Unsigned this one: “Many Congratulations. Sorry I couldn'T be there to share your day with you. Please be sure to send a picture of the Bride & Groom mounted. Or maybe just holding hands.

#2. Hope you have a truly wonderful day. Bill & Mary Firkin and the whole FIRKIN family.

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ADVICE: I HAVE BEEN MARRIED NOW A LITTLE OVER 10 YEARS SO DO FEEL SOMEWHAT QUALIFIED TO OFFER A LITTLE ADVICE TO THESE 2 IMPETUOUS KIDS:

TERRY: IT IS IMPORTANT TO GET ON WITH YOUR NEW MOTHER-IN-LAW. PERSONALLY I DIDN'T SPEAK TO MINE FOR TWO YEARS; NOT THAT I DIDN'T LIKE HER…I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS RUDE TO INTERRUPT.

SECONDLY: REMEMBER ,THERE ARE 2 THEORIES TO ARGUING WITH WOMEN. NEITHER WORK!

JACKIE: REMEMBER, LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING. I'M SURE YOU WILL STILL LOVE TERRY WHEN HE IS OLD & GREY!!

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SINCERE.

Time to get serious..…

It's been a WONDERFUL DAY…TRULY EMOTIONAL….EVEN THE CAKE'S IN TIERS!!
& ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF….SPEAKING TO JACK EARLIER HE WAS TELLING ME HOW IT ONLY SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY THAT HE WAS PUTTING JACKIE TO BED WITH A DUMMY!!!

TERRY & JACKIE COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER SO WELL.… JACKIE IS AMBITIOUS, INDUSTRIOUS & HIGHLY CAREER ORIENTED……& TERRY LIKES SITTING AT HOME WATCHING THE CRICKET!!

Seriously though, I know JACKIE is absolutely ecstatic that her and TERRY have finally tied the knot as I happened to hear her whisper to NiKKI earlier that now they are married, she wants to make love every night of the week. I mentioned this to TERRY and he's asked me to tell you that's fine Jackie – and could you pencil him in for Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays!

Charles Dickens once said.…

“ A Measure of a Woman's Love for a Man, was the Lengths to which she was prepared to go to to make him Happy”…

IF THIS IS TRUE JACKIE THEN YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR GOAL….FOR TERRY IS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE SEEN HIM.…

SHALL WE DRINK TO THAT…?

FINALLY…!!!
My own personal best wishes to the Bride & Groom.… An old Irish Proverb:

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

Ladies & gentlemen…

Mr & Mrs ******** *******!!!!