Speech by Richard Taylor

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Taylor
Speech Date: 11/06/2013 10:27:45

Well this is typical, first time that Nick has ever bought me dinner, and I think I'm too nervous to eat it! Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen! I'd like to once again welcome you all to this fantastic occasion to celebrate Nick and Nicola's wedding day. For those of you who do not know me, my name is Richard, and I am honoured to be Nick's Best Man. Being the Best Man isn't all it's cracked up to be. You get the same nerves as the groom, only there's no-one waiting for you in posh knickers at the end of the day. If any ladies would like to disagree with that statement, I'm in Room 112. Before I start I would also just like to add a few more thank yous to the people involved today. First of all I would like to echo what has already been said and compliment our beautiful bride Nicola on how wonderful she's looking. I'd also like to say a big thank you to the Bridesmaids for helping Nicola on her big day, and I'm sure you will all agree, that they all look lovely and have done a brilliant job. I know they took great care and detail with their hair and make-up…as did the ushers, Martin and Andrew. You are both looking breath taking. Nobody ever seems to pay the Groom a compliment though do they? I think you'll all agree Nick is also looking pretty good. For those of you who don't know, Nick is a very hairy, hairy guy which requires a lot of maintenance. Some say, he's even hairier than Michael Jackson's chimpanzee, Bubbles. With that in mind, I'd just like to make a special thank you to the staff at Tywcross Zoo's Ape and Monkey House for their help in getting him ready today. The groom and I have known each other a long time, about 20 years. So, for those of you on the Bride's side who are just getting to know him, here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family. Nick can be quite impatient, none more so than when he first came into this world. He couldn't even wait for his poor mum, Jayne, to get to the hospital and was instead, born at home in the hallway. I first met Nick, aged about 9 years old, on a big patch of grass, commonly known to the locals as ‘the green’. We hung out here all the time, talking, playing football or trying to play some other sport badly. Occasionally Nick did misbehave. Nick's brother Martin would put him on the floor, put his ankles behind his head and then stuff his mouth full of grass. Don't be surprised if you see this happen later on! As kids we were all into cycling. Nick was well into his bikes. I myself had three bikes, which was great for him because I would generally have a spare bike for him to borrow. In fact, I remember him once spending an entire summer riding around with great pleasure on my Chopper. Now when it comes to food and drink Nick isn't fussy, in fact he'll put pretty much anything in his mouth. I remember when we celebrated his 18th birthday, he collected the leftovers from all the glasses which were scattered around the bar, he then poured it all into a filthy cigarette ashtray…..and drank the lot! Not finished there, to “freshen his breath” he then ate a lemon slice…including the whole rind. He vowed never to do it again until the day he got married, so ladies and gentlemen please be sure to leave a drop in the bottom of your glasses. After finishing school, Nick went on to university. At this point I think he was trying to discover himself. On a weekend trip to Leeds to visit him in his new student accommodation, he opened the door wearing a T-Shirt which read “I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is”. Once he graduated, Nick decided on a career as an accountant, which we all felt matched his personality exactly. Now I'm not saying he's boring but if you see two guys together and one looks bored….he's the other one. It's no secret that our groom likes a drink or two, but I don't think he has a problem. Anyone who can wet the bed on a regular basis and still manage to land a wife is superman as far as I'm concerned. So, the stag do. I really can't say, or remember, much. I do know it was in Munich which is called the beer capital of the world. Actually, Nick did give me a list of things not to mention… on that list was: pork knuckle, pussy beers, the ‘friendly guys’ at café kosmos, the legendary scorpion jacket, the elderly naked Germans and ….the ‘bad thing’. Please feel free to ask Nick for more details on any of those items. So although I'm not actually married myself [turn to bridesmaids], I thought it might be helpful if I offered them each a little piece of advice: Nick, always help Nicola with jobs around the house. It's in your best interest. A recent police study shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. To Nicola….for god's sake, don't ever let him shave his stomach again! All joking aside, Nick has been a great friend to me and we've had some excellent times together, and I'm sure we'll have more in the future. It really has been an honour and a privilege to be the best man. I was delighted when he told me that he had asked Nicola to marry him, and seeing them together today makes me wish them all the happiness in the world. I would also just like to thank you all for joining us today, but we also would like to remember our loved ones not here with us…..but whose love and good wishes are with us in spirit. Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure, to ask you all to raise a toast to the newlyweds. Let's drink to the past for all that you've learned. Let's drink to the present for all that you share….and let's drink to the future for all that you can look forward to together. Congratulations to Nicola and Nick!