Speech by Richard Taylor

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Taylor
Speech Date: Apr 2002
(LOUD) Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls……..Good Afternoon!

In preparation for today, I asked a wise old man how long my speech should last for. He told me that it should last for about as long as it takes for the groom to make love.

So with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, thankyou very much !!

(SIT DOWN. WAIT 10 SECS AND STAND UP).

Well, today is my first experience of public speaking, and so, whether you're laughing WITH me, or even AT me, as long as you're enjoying yourself I don't mind..…

My first task is to carry out a couple of thankyou's for today. First and most importantly, I'd like to thank Kex on behalf of our bridesmaids – Lucy, Amy, Bicci, and Claire – for his kind words. In my experiences women never tire of compliments, and with that in mind I'd like to add that they have indeed done a marvellous job helping Helen out today and look absolutely fantastic!

Finally, I'd also like to thank my partner in crime for his work today, Kex's other Best Man – Ben. Together we've organised the stag weekend, and today he's carried out his duties at the church impeccably. If you'd like to buy him a drink later I'm sure he'd be delighted to accept one.

******

Being Kex's oldest friend, I've been asked to say a few words today. He's been pretty nervous about this for some time, and for what seems like months he's been warning me about the content of this speech.

Of course, they say that the best man's speech is the groom's worst five minutes of the day.

The bride's worst five minutes of the day, however, come later on tonight………

*******

(Loud) Kevin Paul Exley, this is your life. You were born on August 27th, 1974 to ecstatic parents Roger and Carol Exley.

But, folks, all was not well. You may find this hard to believe, but when he was born Kex was….how can I put this.… a bit of an ugly duckling.

(AAAH?)

In fact, so ugly was he, that his poor mother didn't get morning sickness until AFTER he was born!

**********

Kex's first few years en route to becoming the well balanced, pillar of society that you see before you today are a mystery to me, as I didn't have the….err pleasure…of meeting him until the age of 12. However, a worthwhile visit to Roger and Carol's did unearth this :

At the age of seven, Kex and two pals decided to run away from home. When he was a couple of hours late, Carol became concerned and enlisted the help of the police. They then launched a full scale operation, involving several offices, cars and dogs.

Shortly after all this Carol found a list that little Kevin had prepared, detailing all items he'd need to survive in the big, wide world of ********.

I can barely even begin to do this list justice, and so Ben and I will be handing round photocopies of the original list once I've finished waffling. However, here are some of the items which Kex deemed essential……

1 Boat! (always useful in ******)

1 Shark's Tooth!

1 Cabij ! (spelt C-A-B-I-J)

6 Nails (no hammer, just six nails)

…and 12 China Animals!! (Who would run away without their china animals?!)

And so moving on a few years, he and I met on our first day at big school, almost 16 years ago. Two stories sprang to mind when thinking about our schooldays…………

Firstly, there was the time we decided to take an unofficial day off school – also known as truant! Things went well and that evening, Kex wrote an absence note – "Kevin was unable to attend school today due to him having a cold", and signed it "Carol Exley", with a beautifully faked copy of her signature.

Life was easy, we thought, until Kex went out that evening and left the note on his bedside table, which Carol subsequently found. Our parents had a meeting and came to the conclusion that both naughty boys should be grounded for two weeks, and receive no pocket money for one month. This seemed fair enough, until three evenings later a beaming Kex appeared at my front door announcing that his punishment was over. MY parents, however, enforced the punishment rigidly, and so he was not in my good books for some time.

I returned the favour a couple of years later. A few of us had popped out of school for a cigarette, and seeing a police car drive by I decided that we should run away in case they took us back to school.

Instead, the police misunderstood our actions and thought we'd been breaking into the cars we were next to. It ended with us all being placed under arrest, questioned at length by CID and then picked up by a fuming headmaster!

So now we're quits. Until I've made this speech at least……

*********

(Loud) Something you didn't know about Kex!

Ladies and gentlemen, every evening when he goes to bed, Kex settles down under the covers………slowly pulls down his pants…………and puts them over his feet to keep them warm!!

********

Kevin and his beautiful bride met in September 1991, at possibly the most romantic place a couple could ever meet – ***** ****** Village Hall..…

That christmas, the lovestruck couple exchanged presents, and Helen had bought Kex a pair of boxer shorts.

At this stage may I remind you that this was ELEVEN years ago.

I can exclusively reveal to you today that Kex STILL WEARS those pants!

In fact he calls them his SATURDAY PANTS!

TAKE PANTS OUT, WAVE AROUND ETC

****************

Another of Kex's habits is to sleepwalk.

One night only a few years ago, Kex went out for a few beers with Paula's boyfriend of the time, now husband – James. (GET JAMES TO STAND UP)

A few beers turned into several beers, and at the end of the evening they wound up back at Roger and Carol's. In Kex's bedroom there were two single beds. They took one each, and settled off to sleep……

A few hours later, James is awoken by Kex snuggling up to him in his bed.

If you'll remember, Kex likes to sleep with his pants around his ankles, and this occasion was no exception !

To add insult to injury, Kex then had then audacity to say to James "What the HELL are YOU doing in here?!!!"

James could only reply "I was here first!"

**********

The last story I have for you also relates to Kex's sleepwalking antics :

Not so long ago Helen was awoken in the middle of the night to find Kex noisily rummaging through their wardrobe.

She asked him "What are you doing in there babe?"

He replied : "I'm looking for treasure! What do you THINK I'm doing?"

**********

I'd now like to move on to the telegrams from those who can't be here with us today.

Blah blah

Include : "Kex! I'll miss those nights getting to know each other around my pool. All the best, Michael Barrymore. "

Blah blah blah.

*********

Ladies and gentlemen thankyou for listening! I would just like to say what an honour its been for me to have been made a best man today, and add that although I've probably embarrassed him more than he ever will be again, he is and shall always remain my best mate.

This may sound cliched but ask any of our friends and they will tell you that these two sitting here were meant for each other from the day they met, and if there's any couple I would bet on to have a strong and long-lasting relationship – its Kex and Helen.

********

Finally, ladies and gentlemen, a thought on married life which I've stolen from somewhere. I liked it a lot, and it may ring a few bells with those you who are married already..…

"Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks, and the woman listens.

In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the MAN listens.

And in the third year onwards, they BOTH speak, and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

All that remains is for me to ask of you is that you raise your glasses to a very special couple. To the bride and groom, KEX AND HELEN!