Speech by Richard Townend

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Townend
Speech Date: May 1999
Introduction and Congratulations/thanks from bridesmaids
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Anthony for his kind words. I have to agree that they look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. Thanks also go to Michael and Christine on behalf of everyone for inviting us to the wedding and laying on such wonderful food through the Trecarn Hotel.

With regards to myself, I think that my duties as Best Man to get Anthony here:
ON TIME, which is a first
SOBER, which is unusual
AND SMART, which is unheard of
have been successful!

Anthony and myself go back 28 years and it's a real honour to be his best man today. Put it this was he's certainly kept me and the lads amused over the years! When Anthony asked to me be his best man I had mixed feelings. A bit like being asked to make love the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it!

Anyway, as best man, tradition obliges me to share with you some appropriately embarrassing or otherwise insightful glimpses into Anthony's earlier years.

Story
As many of you may know, Anthony is a keen fisherman, and I sometimes used to go also. One time we were fishing up on the canal in Keighley and Anthony wasn't having much success. So, he decided he'd be able to cast his line further if he climbed onto a barge which was moored nearby. So he eagerly climbed onto it, forgetting that it had been raining and promptly fell off into the canal. Anyway after I'd finished laughing I fished him out, and fortunately he'd managed to hang onto the side of the boat as he fell so only the bottom half of him was wet. However it was a cold day and having sopping wet jeans wasn’ t ideal. Fortunately we knew somebody whose auntie lived in one of the houses fronting the canal so we decided to call and see if he could dry off there. So we called but nobody was in. Now Anthony was getting colder and colder and was desperate. So he then knocked on the door next to it and a young attractive woman answered the door. Anthony explained what had happened and asked if he could come inside and dry his trousers. She agreed and let us in. She found him some spare trousers which belonged to her husband and put Anthony's to dry so that we could return later and collect them. So we went back fishing for a couple of hours and whilst I was packing up Anthony returned for his trousers. So off he went into the bathroom and had just removed the borrowed pair of trousers and was stood there in his underpants (try to not visualise this bit) when the woman's husband arrived home from work. Until this day I cannot understand how he managed to escape from the house unscathed, but he did. Then again, he didn't have his beer belly then so he could probably fit through the bathroom window.

Beer
Speaking of beer, one thing that Anthony is certainly renowned for is his regular inability to go through a night out without throwing up. (I think it ‘s safe to mention this now as you've all finished your meals) There have been numerous occasions down the years when he has managed to lay his own personal pavement pizza on the streets of Keighley, Harrogate (yes the stag night), Bradford, Skipton, Torquay, Cardiff, London, Blackpool, Lloret, Ibiza. I'll stop there as we have an evening do starting in a few hours time. However by far the worst occasion, certainly from my point of view came one night in a nightclub in Keighley. We'd had a few and were just chatting when suddenly Anthony went quiet. I didn't think anything of it. There was no warning, no signs, no indication whatsoever that we was just about to unload all over my nice new shirt! However, there was the benefit that for the rest of the night I was wearing the most original shirt design in the entire pub. Unfortunately the smell was original too. I'm still to get him back for that one. You'll be pleased to hear though that I'll save it for another occasion.

Pictures
Onto the visual segment of the speech now. I've brought along a few choice pictures which give an insight into what Lynda is letting herself in for. This is a typical shot of Anthony. This is from when he was about 15 years old, you would think he would have grown out of this sort of behaviour by now, but I'm afraid to say he hasn't as you will probably find out later tonight! (very drunken pic of Anthony at the age of 15) This is one of the infamous drunken smile he was renowned for a few years ago. Whenever a camera was pointed in his direction when he'd had a few too many beers this was always the result. (You are laughing at the one on the right aren't you?). From an early age I never had need to doubt Anthony's sexuality. He did always comment how much he'd like to get into somebody's knickers! (picture of Anthony wearing some knickers over his clothes) In more ways than one. (show knickers on head) Next up is one from the stag do. As you can see he certainly had a good time! I'd just like to pass on all the good wishes you received from the other diners in the curry house as I believe you missed hearing them on the night itself. (Anthony being carried out of the curry house) Another photo from he stag do which I would have liked to show you would have been of Anthony's conversation with the bouncer. Unfortunately I was preoccupied separating them both so I never got chance to take one. I was also hoping to show an embarrassing picture of Anthony doing a naked full frontal pose, but unfortunately nobody could blow the picture up big enough for anybody to be able to see anything.

Stag Do
Going back to the stag night briefly for a minute, I feel I have to comment on the events of that evening. We had a great day out in Harrogate during which time we spent many hours visiting places of interest and exploring the local culture. Those of you that know Anthony well will realise that we actually spent all day in the pubs getting drunk. As the evening wore on we made our way to the club where we intended spending the rest of the night. We set off in separate groups to make sure that we all gained admission to the club and I was in the first group. We got there and were happily enjoying our first drink when we noticed some commotion with the bouncer at the entrance to the club. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the person involved with the bouncer was Anthony. Obviously I made my way over and discovered that the problem was caused by one of our party not being allowed admission to the club due to being too drunk (Hi Simon!). And Anthony, with it being his stag do, was obviously keen to ensure that all of his invited guests did not miss out on any of the night. And he certainly did his best. The few minutes that followed were, shall I say, very educational to the rest of us. For a start I never knew that Anthony knew so many swear words, nor was I aware that it was safe to prod a bouncer and call him an ape. I also learnt that falling asleep in a curry house is not advisable unless you want your friends to pour salt down your shirt and decorate your head with flowers. And of course to take photographs of it! And here they are. There you go Anthony, your own personal momento of a great stag do! (hand over the photo album)

Cards
I'll now like to open a few cards from absent friends. (Read the cards) (Final card) And finally one from Jonathan Greening, John Curtis and Wes Brown, apparantly they couldn't be here today. Can't think was so important that they couldn't be! (Manchester Utd footballers and they were playing in the FA Cup final the same day as the wedding)

Participation
Before I finish I'd like to ask Anthony and Lynda to participate in the speech now. Lynda if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table… Right Anthony, if you would like place your hand directly on top of Lynda’ s.. Enjoying that Anthony? Make the most of it, it's the last time you'll have the upper hand.

Finale/toast (unfinished)
In all seriousness though, My final words to you are to you, Anthony and Lynda. I'm very proud to be best man here today and I am so pleased that Anthony has found such a wonderful and loving wife. I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and gentlemen can I please ask you to stand and join me in a toast to the bride and groom.. the bride and groom.

Evening information Before you all disappear, can just remind you all that the evening reception starts at 8pm. You are all welcome to stay in the hotel for drinks etc until then but for those who don't please can I recommend that you arrive back for 7.30pm.

End