Speech by Richard Wakefield

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Wakefield
Speech Date: Sep2006
Hello ladies, gentleman, Chris and Donna.

I must admit, I thought that following Chris's speech would be very
difficult and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it!! For those of you who don't know me my names Richard and I have the absolute honour of being able to stand up here and embarrass Chris in front of you all today! Thanks mate! Apparently Chris and Donna had a hard task of choosing a best man from a large list of friends I understand that they went through a long and rigorous selection process. They wanted someone who was:
Loyal yeah right
Trustworthy I'd like to think so
Reliable well we both got to the church on time didn't we
Guaranteed not to embarrass him Oh dear – I guess their other choices
couldn't make it here today so it looks like you're all stuck with me.
I remember Chris asking me to be best man. It was via e-mail, his message
was short and simple. Getting married. Do you want to be best man? Not a man of many words is he?
I'd like to start by thanking everyone for coming along today – especially Donna! Also thanks to everybody whose made this day such a success so far.
Special thanks go to the bridesmaids who I must say have done a fabulous job and look amazing. All of Donnas wedding day nerves seemed to have
disappeared? Just out of interest, how many vodka's did it take then girls?
I also must say and I'm sure you'll all agree Donna looks absolutely
stunning oh and Chris you don't look to bad either. That 14 hours in make up has obviously done the trick.
Now before I begin I have a quick announcement to make. Chris and Donna have stated that should any of you injure yourselves in any way whilst climbing on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation that they in no way hold themselves responsible for your actions and for that matter neither do I!

Ok on with the speech… ladies and Gentlemen every now and then we get a rare opportunity to talk about a man who is witty, charming, good looking and intelligent, sadly that won't be happening today as this speech is about Chris! I must say being a best man is quite stressful. Apart from this speech, I was under strict instructions to make sure Chris was on time, sober and looking good, Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. I mean come on I'm a best man not a plastic surgeon! The next big problem I faced was writing this speech. Traditionally the best man is supposed to sing the grooms praises and tell everyone what a great guy he is. Well sorry I'm afraid I can't sing and I won't lie! It's been a great day so far and a day of new experiences for me. It's the first time Chris has bought me dinner since that dodgy kebab back in 95. I hope there are no similar after effects from this delightful meal!

I first met Chris around 12 years ago when we were both at college together.
I think our first introduction was probably on the football pitch and I was on the end of one of his speciality mistimed crunching tackles. I must say Chris really stood out at college. It wasn't because of his academic excellence but due to the fact he was the only person wandering round every day wearing some type of Sunderland shirt. On the subject of Chris's team Sunderland we can see one of Chris's very best traits here, his loyalty:

I mean Sunderland, a team that has done nothing except disappoint him and
betray his hopes and dreams for the past 28 or so years of his life. If this is anything to go by Donna won't need to make much effort for the next 28 years. She can make him miserable, walk all over him and leave him disappointed every Saturday night and he'll still feel that things will turn around come August.

Whilst on the subject of football, a lot of people see a resemblance between Chris and Pavel Nedved the Czech international. I must say they do look rather similar. Unfortunately that's where the comparison ends. So it was rather fitting that Chris got given the nickname Bodin after Paul Bodin whose achievements included being part of the worst ever premiership defence and missing a penalty that cost Wales a place in the world cup. Much more appropriate I'd say…Probably Chris's best achievement on a football pitch occurred during his time playing for the Hatch. One wet, winter morning he hit an absolute screamer from 25 yards. It wasn't the goal that was so special, although it was a great effort, but the celebration as he ran across 2 football pitches, tore his shirt off and hurled himself head first into a muddy goalmouth much to the amusement of the bemused onlookers.

Unfortunately by the time he returned to our pitch about 15 minutes later he was absolutely shattered and we'd managed to concede 2 goals.

Chris has always been a bit of a betting man. In fact I think Ladbrokes have doubled their profits since Chris started doing a few of his accumulators!
On 1 occasion he took it a little too far though… After finishing college
for the term we decided to celebrate with a couple of lunchtime pints.
Somebody had the bright idea of mixing up a special brew, which mainly
consisted of vinegar and whatever else we could find on the table. A fiver was offered to whoever would consume the offensive beverage. Without so much as a second word Chris downed the drink. Snatched the fiver and legged it to the nearby park, where he spent the next 4 hours throwing up. He was so bad that during the evening he could only drink bottles of mineral water, so he must have been feeling absolutely awful because that's the only time he's ever turned down a beer!

Traditionally the best man shouldn't really talk about what happened on the stag do, especially as Chris specifically asked me not to mention anything about it. However as I've been good so far and not mentioned all those other incriminating stories, such as the game of pool or the bacardi incident, I'm sure he'll let me off this one. Don't worry though Donna there wasn't too much monkeying around. Chris don't look so worried! No we had a great time in Riga, the golf was especially good. Anyway as Chris is so in touch with his wild side and has a special affinity with monkeys we thought it would be a great idea to dress him up as a Gorilla. I must say some of the locals were rather surprised to see a gorilla walking down their streets followed by 8 of his primates in monkey masks and stag do t-shirts. Unfortunately, Chris left something behind in Riga but don't worry mate, I managed to rescue it for you, pass over the gorilla mask from stag do you can put it on now if you like? We have a memento for you from the stag do. Something that will remind him of all the fun we had pass over stag do framed photo.

Just in case Donna doesn't want that on the living room wall, pass over
photo album there's a few photos in there for you as well. You can all have a good look later to see what really went on!

Ok now I know I've made a few jokes about you mate but unfortunately it is part of the best mans duties. But don't worry now is the really serious bit.
The bit where I point out what a really great bloke you actually are errrm
Chris you might have to tell me what this says I really can't make out your
handwriting?
No, seriously though…
Chris really is a well-balanced guy. Like the time he fell of a wall in
Leeds.
He's got a great sense of humour like the time he ridiculed Gary Lineker for the size of his ears.
He's also very resourceful like the time we were locked out of our hotel
room so he broke the door down.

Ok, Ok I'm sorry now this really is the serious bit. Chris is a really great guy as I'm sure all the boys will agree. He's so enthusiastic and always the first 1 to be up for doing something. He's certainly given us all many laughs over the years. Unfortunately I haven't been able to use many of those stories, as I really didn't want to offend anyone here today!

He's certainly always been a great mate to me and we've had loads of good times together and I'm looking forward to loads more in the future. So I just want to say thanks for being such a good laugh, a good sport today and on the stag do and most importantly a great friend to me. It's been a privilege and honour to be your best man today and to be part of yours and Donna's special day so thanks mate. I hope I've done ok!

Now I must say a little about Donna! You can't get away that easily I'm
afraid. I've got some great material here! Chris really provided a few
quality stories. I was really shocked by a couple of them… Only joking Donna

– don't worry I wouldn't do that to you! I must say that Chris was very
lucky to find a girl as pretty as Donna is very good for Chris. She makes
him look good just by standing next to him. Seriously Donna and Chris make a great couple and I'm sure they will have many happy years of married life to look forward to. One thing that's really impressed me about Donna is the way she has been able to take on board and really adopt some of Chris's traits. I mean she can even talk perfect Geordie now. I would ask her to give us a few examples but unfortunately some of the language she uses isn't fit for a classy occasion such as this one today!

Okay I only have one message to read out for the newlyweds! It is an
especially nice one though and it's for chris…

To Chris,

We will certainly miss you hanging out with us. But good luck in the future

From all at monkey world

Don't worry ladies and gentlemen I'm about to wrap this up. I know most of you can't wait for the highlight of the evening. Yep that's right the
unforgettable spectacle of Chris dancing. For the uninitiated it really is a treat!

I wanted to finish up by offering Chris some advice for his journey into
married life but as Donna told me if he doesn't listen to her then what hope have I got. So instead I'd just like to wish you both loads of luck although I'm sure you won't need it. You make a fantastic couple and I know that you will make each other very happy.

So finally Ladies and gentlemen it gives me immense pleasure not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the Newlyweds may they have many happy years of marriage together, the bride and groom…

Donna and Chris