Speech by Rick Robins

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rick Robins
Speech Date: Jan 1999
INTRODUCTION
Well Cam thanks for the kind words!

I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding even the cake was in tiers!
Firstly I would like to thank Cam for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids and anyone else he mentioned.
Whilst on the subject of gratitude, thanks also to Mere and all the workers for a wonderful spread.

Any chance of a golf membership?

As you may know it is said that being asked to be the best man is like making love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it!

Although with my current run of form I may give her a ring later!

Return of keys (this is a cracker! Distribute keys beforehand to random women, telling them not to tell anyone else and they will know when to use them!)
Before I begin Cam has asked me to do a little chore for him while your all here. Now he is happily married to the lovely Liz, To avoid any embarrassing misunderstandings in the future, he has asked me to ask if there are any ladies out there who still have a key to his house. Could you please return them to me now!

CAMS BIRTH DATE
Having got that out of the way I'll now say a few words about the great man! He was born on the 31st May 1969 and will no doubt be pleased to know that he shares his birthday with Brooke Shields and Pamela Anderson. BUT THAT IS ALL HE'LL EVER SHARE WITH THEM!

Although as the years have gone by he does seem to be filling out in certain areas of his body, So he and Pamela probably do have something else in common THEY COULD BOTH FILL A DOUBLE D BRA!

CAM IN EARLY LIFE / SCHOOL
Fortunately I never knew Cam when he was little, although I have never met anyone who has! Indeed, I first met Cam in the tuck shop when he attended North Cestrian Grammar School in Altrincham.

I DIDN'T KNOW HIM SO I DIDN'T SPEAK TO HIM!

Cam tells me he was exceptionally gifted, a very popular student and he excelled in everything he did be it sports, academics or the arts. This seems to be slightly contradicted by reports I've heard from his brother Joel. He tells me that Cam was a rather obese annoying little kid who excelled at nothing, was constantly picked on, and regularly beaten up AND THIS WAS JUST BY THE TEACHERS!

His parents then saw sense and packed him off to the famous boarding school – Wrexin where he continued his development into a ROUNDED young man.

Cams only claim to fame was his sporting ability, with major success in most sports requiring hand and eye co ordination notably Squash, Tennis, Hockey and pre chapel grappling. However all was not wasted as he gained an O level in Art and Art History proving his interest in ARTISTS, an area which he has studied closely ever since!

CAR SALESMAN
With such strong intellectual ability Cam had no choice but to pursue a career in one of the most respected professions – that of the car salesman! He began work at John Wallwork in Alderley Edge and swiftly learned the trick of stitching up bewildered pensioners into cars that they didn't want and couldn't afford! He then entered one of his most lucrative periods when he worked at Autotechnic in Altrincham! During his brief reign he managed to PERSUADE most of his family and friends to buy quality second hand low mileage one lady owner BMWs!

In fact, I am still paying off the finance and attending the garage on a weekly basis for repairs!

He then moved up the road to his current location at Bluebell Wilmslow where he sells new BMW cars to sportsmen, celebrities and other suckers with more money than sense! Many of whom are here tonight!

THERE GOES MY CHANCE OF A LIFT HOME!

LIZ, ALE AND FOOD
It is fair to say that there are 3 loves in Cams life:

LIZ, ALE AND FOOD (though not necessarily in that order).

His idea of a balanced diet is a BIGMAC in each hand!

And when asked about coq – au – vin he thought it meant sex in a lorry!

His greatest drinking moment occurred back in the heady days when he used to attend the grab a granny night at the Valley Lodge! After one particularly late night drinking session, he was driving to work in his brand new Volvo when he felt the need to be sick! He went for the electric window control and was violently ill! Unfortunately the window was still down and he redecorated the inside of his car! Upon seeing this he again felt sick this time managing to get the window down before yakking violently out of the window! The last thing that Cam saw in his mirror was the look of surprise on the old women's face in the car behind as a street pizza hit her windscreen at 30 mph. Behaviour like this couldn't last and he needed to settle down! He now drinks 3 pints of Guinness falls over onto his belly and rocks himself to sleep!

CAM AND LIZ
Cam has always been one for the ladies and was lucky that his dad taught him about the birds and bees! He went steady with a woodpecker for 5 years!

He first met Liz 10 yrs ago when they both worked at John Wallwork in Alderley Edge. Liz had already TAPPED OFF, but it wasn't long before Cam worked his magic and he sealed the deal with a trip to the Lake District. They have been virtually inseparable ever since!

They are clearly ideally suited and it is fair to say that there are also 3 loves in Liz's life:

CAM, ALE AND FOOD (though not necessarily in that order!)

Indeed Liz has supplied many a moment of entertainment herself hanging off canopies and railway crossings in Hale Village while attempting to eat a kebab!

ENGAGEMENT
I am unsure where Cam actually proposed to Liz, but rumour has it that it was either in the Vault of the Railway or the Canadian Charcoal Pit!

The stag do was brilliantly arranged by myself and fulfilled Cams dream of going away! We went to a bar called Prague 5; a nightclub called Berlin and stayed in a French hotel! All in sunny Manchester!

However I would just like to say Cam you are a lucky groom; you've married Liz today and she's beautiful smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. And she deserves a good husband.

So thank god you married her before she found one!

SINCERE NOTE
ON A SINCERE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO THANK CAM FOR ASKING ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN AND THANK HIM FOR HIS FRIENDSHIP OTHER THE YEARS.

WHICH WAS PARTICULARLY NEEDED ON A RECENT SKI TRIP WHEN CAM DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO END THE DAY WITH A RUN INTO VAL D'ISERE DOWN THE MENS DOWNHILL COURSE!

IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE I FOUND MYSELF SLIDING OUT OF CONTROL ON MY BACK DOWN THE SLOPE.

CAM KINDLY WAITED AND ASKED PASSING SKIERS TO PASS ME MY HAT AND GOGGLES WHICH WERE 20 FT HIGHER UP THE SLOPE!

How we laughed in the Local Taverns after that one!

Before the final toast and messages I would just like to take this opportunity to share with you my picture of Cam and Liz tomorrow morning after the wedding night. I expect Cam will call down to room service and order breakfast for them both. For himself he'll order a full English breakfast with all the extras, and for Liz he'll order just a lettuce leaf and a carrot and nothing else. Room service will arrive but the waitress will be puzzled by this request and will probably ask him whether Mrs Freeman might want something more substantial than a lettuce leaf and a carrot. To which Cam will reply:

"Its ok I'm conducting an experiment, to see if she eats like a rabbit as well"

MESSAGES
RIGHT NOW I HAD BETTER READ THE MESSAGES:

TO CAM WE COULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TOGETHER LOVE KATE MOSS

TO LIZ WE COULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TOGETHER LOVE MARTINA NAVRATILOVA

TOASTS
Ladies and gentleman, it gives me the great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Cam and Liz, the new Mr and Mrs Fxxxxxx. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage. Cam and Liz……

RIGHT I'M OFF NOW TO RING THE QUEEN MOTHER!

HECKLERS

THERES ONE IN EVERY VILLAGE! R U INVITED! MARK THROW HIM OUT!