Speech by Rob Ash

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rob Ash
Speech Date: Sep 2008
Well you said it would be a hard speech to follow and well, Tom your right – I couldn't follow a word of it!

Anyway Tom, I hope you did enjoy your speech, because now that your well and truly a married man I””m sure that will be the last time you'll get to talk for 5 minutes without being interrupted.

Before I begin the speech – Carol can you place your right hand flat on the table and Tom place your slightly sweating palm on top of Carols – all will be revealed later.

For those of you that don't know me, my name's Rob and I've had the privilege of being Tom and Carols best man today. I really was nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines – having snorted them, I feel absolutely fine now!! Being the best man is a little like making love to the Queen it's a great honour but no-one REALLY wants to do it. I'd like to thank Tom for asking me to be his best man and of course Carol for letting him ask me. I know Carol is just as nervous about the content of my speech today but don””t worry – well not yet anyway. As the Best Man today, I have had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober and smart, well 2 out of 3 isn't too bad. After all look what I have had to work with, I'm the best man – not a magician.

So Tom and Carol have decided to get married after 8.5 years! Yes I nearly fell off my chair when we were talking about it as well. But married they are, for better or for worse – which is quite appropriate as Tom couldn't have done any better and Carol couldn't have done any worse!

When me and Tom first met we were 3 years old, so as our friendship extends to 31 years, I would like to think that we are very close – are we Tom? In fact there's nothing I wouldn””t do for him, and likewise there's nothing Tom wouldn't do for me. So during all of those years we did very little for each other!

Having met Carol later in life, I realised I knew very little about her childhood, but funnily enough I was speaking to Ann and Bob earlier today and they were telling me how, as a baby they used to send Carol to bed with a dummy.. Now all these years later, history repeats itself!

Our friendship really started on the playgrounds of Stamford Park Junior School where we used to play truly Herculean 20 a-side football matches using a tennis ball, these matches usually ended with an equally large final score of 35 – 40. Back then I was known as &quotAshy&quot and played as the keeper, Tom or &quotTomtom&quot as he was fondly known, was one of our holding mid field players. It was at the end of one of these matches when he came up to me and asked if I would like to be in his Six at 1st Hale Scouts. – after 3, 1-2-3 Aah.

Talking of scouts: A funny early memory sticks out – We were both on Scout camp in Dunham Park and had just come off the phone from our respective mothers to discover our 11 plus results. Well I was good on the brain cells and Tom sat next to me, so we had both passed! To celebrate this milestone in education we made ourselves home made cigars! Made by pushing curled up, dried rhododendron leaves one inside the other to produce a cigar even Clint Eastwood would be proud of. I don””t know if it helped us celebrate but it certainly didn't do us any harm! Twitch twitch

What I'm sure you don't know about Tom is that he was a keen sportsman in his younger years, and that his interest in cricket was cultivated at Hale Barns cricket club. Tom is a modest man – well that””s what he insisted I tell you – so his cricketing achievements are little known. But I can revel today that whilst at Hale Barns, Tom SCORED more runs than any other player on the entire cricket team – that was because he was always 12th man putting up the numbers on the scoreboard!

As I””ve already mentioned Tom IS a modest man and not only that – I'd like to share with you some of his other good points. He's intelligent, caring, trusting and gook luck .. lu .. look – &quotI'm really sorry Tom I cant read your hand writing!&quot.

Another hidden talent that Tom possesses is his ability to sing – look at Tom – and I'm sure given a little persuasion and a little alcohol his angelic voice may once again reverberate around us tonight. Don””t look so shocked Tom because way back when we had just reached legal drinking age, we found ourselves in the Bricklayers Arms in Altrincham. We had picked a good night because there was a karaoke machine there, but the atmosphere was a little flat. So Tom decided to get up and SING. – yes ladies and gentlemen it was a masterful rendition of that 1965 Roger Miller classic &quotKing of the road&quot. For his efforts he won the 1st prize and ensured there wasn't a dry eye in the pub, you only have to look at the cake. Even that's in tiers.

Am I doing alright Tom? – He said that if I make a good speech today he””ll let me be his best man for his next wedding.
He””s almost a war hero. He joined the REME – Real Electronics Made Easy and made it to the dizzy heights of Corporal, but fortunately for Saddam and the Iraqi army the invasion clashed with the derby match between United and City, so Tom signed off and missed out on his chance to win the Victoria Cross. – He did make the Sergeant Cross though – I can imagine him swearing down the phone when Tom explained why he couldn't make to RSM's parade that Monday morning.
Anyway, instead of more stories you will have to listen to my martial advice instead.
I””m not sure I'm the best person to dish out advice! But I do have the following words of wisdom for the happy couple.
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who wears the trousers: Then do everything Carol says.
Tom: Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words – ”You're right dear”. And even if you were right keep it shut.
Carol: A husband is like a tiled floor – lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes.

Now that I've come to the end of my speech – that's because Man United are taking on the mighty Bolton Wanderers and Tom wants to nip off and catch some of the action – I'm sure your all wondering why I asked Tom to place his hand on Carols. Well, I will now reveal all. Tom – as my final role as best man it is with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last 10 minutes in which you, yes you have had the upper hand on Carol. I hope that you enjoyed it – it will most probably be your last.

On behalf of the Bride and Bridegroom, I would like to say &quotThank you&quot to you all for being here today. Some of you have come from a long distance to share Tom and Carols very special day. I'm sure you'll all agree that today has been a truly wonderful experience.

Now if you will all be upstanding and join me in a toast to the new Mr &amp Mrs Smith.