Speech by Rob Barr

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rob Barr
Speech Date: 15/08/2011 21:32:33

I'd like to begin by saying a few words of thanks to everyone who's helped make today possible: 1. Emma's parents Steve and Linda & Chet's parents Navin & Sharda aka Fred and Sandra,2. The ushers Justin and Ryan, for turning up sober, I know Chet had a dilemma when selecting a couple of guys to do the hugely difficult task of telling people where to sit in church, 3. I'd also like to say thank-you to Chet and Emma for being kind enough to let me play a part in their big day, and to their bridesmaids, who did a wonderful job and whom I'm sure you'll all agree look fantastic, eclipsed only by Emma, who looks amazing.4. And of course all of you for coming to share in this very special occasion.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Rob, and for those people who have not already guessed it Chet's best man.

In short, that means it was my responsibility to ensure he got to the church on time this afternoon, looking smart, and handsome.

The first of these was straightforward enough; the second was pretty much taken care of by the men's outfitters, and the last? Well, the job description was ‘best man’ not genie…

I've known Chet most of my life, and as you might expect that means he crops up often in my childhood memories, from patrolling the mean streets of Olton together, pretending to fight crime as Spiderman and the hulk – I was the hulk, by the way, Chet was Spidey – I think we agreed that I had the better physique, and he would look better in a mask… to our teens and those early adventures in pubs and clubs…

This means I have many stories that I could share with you but working out where to begin was difficult;

Chet has asked me not to reveal certain skeletons in his closet, which surprised me, as I thought he'd be more concerned about me mentioning the monsters he's had in his bed!

There were the ‘lads holidays’ abroad…(Off line, but loud enough to hear) …Remind me again Chet, what was it we agreed, eighty quid?…About which, strangely, my memory is now vague

Anyway, it's well known that Chet is not very sporty and during his school days when teams were chosen he was always last to be picked, Chet was more what I would call a lazy academic.

During our college years we had to do business plans and Chet as usual, left his till the last minute and after sitting in front of the telly watching his favourite Arnold Schwartzenegger films, started work on it late one evening. The next day looking tired he asked me to have a read through and he had based his business plan on a sandwich shop with slogan ‘Arnie's sarnie's you'll be back’.

Surprisingly this scrapped Chet a pass, which saw us go our separate ways to uni.

During Chet's placement & my final year at Uni, Chet worked for a company that specialized in pub mystery customer visits, yours truly was asked on many an occasion to assist in carrying these out so that we could split the money paid on drinking at the weekends.

Most weekends Chet would drive up from Hemel to Leicester so we could go out to pubs and clubs.

As the end of my Uni life approached so did the course work deadlines, on one occassion I tried to cancel our regular weekend session?

I had an assignment that needed handing in and it wasn't my strongest subject, Chet kept trying to convince me that I could still go out, and get the work done, but writing 5,000 words on social behaviour after a skin full was not something I relished.

Chet then came up with a plan, he would do the assignment for me, reflecting on it now this was right up Chet's street, and he even managed to blag me a C grade.

This set him up nice for a career after Uni in recruitment and then sales, where thinking on your feet counts, I once witnessed the master in action when he worked for ‘Phones 4 U’.

A lady was interested in a certain phone and as she went to pick it up she inadvertently let out a little fart, clearly embarrassed and hoping we hadn't heard she asked Chet ‘How much it was’?

Chet replied with a straight face ‘Madam if you farted just touching it you'll shit yourself when you hear the price’

This might go someway to explain why he's had 12 jobs, in the past 11 years.

More recently in prep for getting married, I organized Chet's stag do, under strict instruction that drinking was the priorty and don't waste any valuable drinking time on activities, with this is mind and Chet's love of board games the monopoly pub crawl was organized. Whilst I'm not going to mention details of what happened in London..… A few quality stories were shared.

A holiday to Falaraki in 2003 when he was declined moped hire for failing a test ride for not controlling speed and lack of ability to maneuver.

His trip to V Festival in 2008 when he was so drunk he swopped his brand new camera for a burger as he had lost his money the day before.

And the legendary works fancy dress party in central Birmingham, when at the last minute decided to stay over without a change of clothes, (think Del in only fools and horses – Xmas 1996) Batman as he was fully kitted out then got chased down Broad Street the next morning by a group of young kids screaming the theme tune, the phrase ‘what a plonker’ seems very fitting.

There is, however, a memory I have featuring Chet that's particularly special – and that's when he was best man at my wedding 11 months ago which was very emotional. It's a real treat for me to be able to return the favor here today.

No one was happier than I was when Chet met Emma; seeing their romance blossom was like watching a fairytale unfold, and, sure, I know what some of you are thinking, ‘what fairytale's that Rob – ‘Beauty And The Beast’?

Well, no, the fairy tale I actually had in mind was… ‘Sleeping Beauty.’

Now you might be forgiven for thinking that it's Emma who takes the part of sleeping beauty in this story, but you'd be wrong, and I'm going to tell you why.

Shortly before Chet met Emma, we had a conversation in one of our normal watering holes ‘The Lyndon’, in which the topic of relationships came up, so I asked him ‘was he still open to the idea of meeting that special someone?’

Nah, he said.

Fine being single, thanks.

No time for a relationship.

Too many commitments…

Not interested. simple as that!

And while I didn't believe that, I think, maybe, he was starting to.Turned out Chet was only sleeping, he was just waiting for Emma to come along and wake him up.

Yes, as incredible as it seems, Behind that tough exterior, Slightly above and to the left of a liver that's surely pickled half to hell, Beats the heart of a true romantic.

I really am pleased we're all here today. Chet's a great bloke and he deserves the wonderful future I know he and Emma are going to share together.

Before I finish I would like to wish Chet and Emma an enjoyable honeymoon to Wales.… as I recall Chet telling me last night over a few beers that he was going to Bangor!

On that note, can I finish by asking you all to raise a glass and join me in a toast to the happy couple.

* Raise glass *

To Chet and Emma, the new Mr & Mrs Parmar – Wishing you a long and happy marriage.