Speech by Rob Fairweather

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rob Fairweather
Speech Date: jun 2003
Speech for Steve's wedding

Before I start with the traditional dressing down of the groom, there are a few thank you's that Steve and Victoria would like me to pass on.

A few thank you's.

Firstly, on behalf of Victoria and Stephen and I'm sure everyone here, we would like to thank Sandra and Bernie for putting on this wonderful party today, and to show our appreciation, Sandra, we have a little gift for you.
And mum, again, from Stephen and Victoria, thanks for everything.

Also a big thank you to the ushers, marc, steven, and dom for all their hard work. Great ushing lads! (gifts come later). (Gag here?)

Victoria obviously it goes without saying you look fantastic….… So, thanks for turning up.

Steve you're a very lucky man, getting such a good-looking, out-going and charming bride. And Victoria… well… you got Steve.

Some of you who have known steve for many years use words such as ‘ostentatious’ to describe him. And let's face it, Mum should know.

But to my mind, ‘sophisticated’, ‘intellectual’, even ‘unpretentious’ are just a few of the words that Steve has difficulty spelling.
In fact, Steve's spelling at school was so bad, that during his long haired, Iron Maiden, devil worshipping stage, he accidentally sold his soul to Santa.
So I hope you realise, Victoria, that Christmas Eve is a busy time for Steve.…

For those of you who haven't known Steve for very long, for example his probation officer (look up as if pointing out probation officer), here's a little bit of background:

Stephen AKA ‘Noodles’ ******* was born in 1972, by a strange coincidence the same year Prozac was invented. (To Steve) I think they saw you coming mate.
He shares his birthday with Michelle Pfeifer and Uma Thurman, which, I think we'll all agree is about all he's gonna share with them.

Oddly enough, it was on Steve's birthday, in the year 1913, that the modern form of the
zip fastener was first patented.… I think they saw you coming mate.

Seriously though, Steve has always been outspoken and articulate. At the age of just five, at a magic show for a friend's birthday, the magician asked the audience where they thought the rabbit had disappeared to. Steve, showing the gift for language that would stay with him to this day, stood up and shouted: ‘up yer crutch’.
Luckily, the only damage done was the embarrassment of our parents. (To mum) I have no idea where he gets it from…
You'll be glad to hear, however, that after several months of therapy… the rabbit made a full recovery.

Though Steve and I are good friends now, there was a fair amount of sibling rivalry when we were younger. One time in particular springs to mind, when after an argument about something or other, Steve launched himself at me in a blur of fists and feet. So I did what any big brother would do at that age… and picked him up by his feet and dropped him on his head.
So if any of you ever wondered about the origin of that flat little head of his.… Sorry, it was me.

I asked some of his school contemporaries at school to dish the dirt on Steve's school days. Unfortunately, there isn't any. It would seem Steve was the perfect child, never got into trouble at school, and even did his homework on time.
I tried to talk the little swot out of his love of poetry and pressed flowers, but to no avail.

When he left school, Steve entered the job market (holding up paper) or should that be job centre?

Seriously though, Steve's work CV makes pretty impressive reading. He has worked in the fashion industry ,and the worlds of high finance, publishing and IT.
All of whom say he was the best teaboy they ever had.

While working for the Abbey National, Steve went on a business trip to New York. By some bizzare quirk of fate, his hotel was also host to a convention of cross-dressers.
According to his colleagues, poor old Steve was so worried about the cross dressers, he jammed a chair up against the door of his hotel room to prevent anyone getting in.
I don't know why he was so concerned: he didn't seem to mind so much when he was applying for membership to the Duran Duran fan club.

On another occasion, Steve went to an awards dinner with the corporate affairs team at Abbey National. In typical style, Steve got so drunk he thought it would be a good idea to stand on the table and start dancing.
Drinks were flying everywhere… but mostly over the shocked faces of Steve's work-mates.
Needless to say, words were had afterwards. Steve has always said that his colleagues described him as a ‘hard-working banker’.… but I think he may have misheard them.

After Steve left Abbey National, he went travelling.… To the job centre.
No seriously… he was all over the place.
No seriously, he did actually travel all over: to Australia, Thailand and India.
And in retrospect, this was probably his last wild fling before retiring from his hedonistic bachelor lifestyle.
I won't recount all the lurid tales from Steve's travels, but if I tell you there was a bath full of custard and a bevvy of Asian ladyboys involved… I think you'll get the picture.

On a more serious note, it was during Steve's travels that the chain of events was begun, that led to this happy day (look at Steve And Victoria), the moment that set Steve on the path to marrying Victoria.
He was due to begin a backpacking trip around the world at the beginning of 1998. However, he had to delay the trip, because his traveling partner, was taken ill and couldn't fly.
Well, fate can be a fickle thing.. Who knows if Steve and Victoria's paths would ever have crossed if Steve had left six months earlier?
And more to the point perhaps, where would he have found a TV to watch Arsenal win the double.

Of course, I must say that I'm very happy that Arsenal won the cup again this year.
I notice a few bemused looks when I mention cups: I'll be happy to explain the concept to any Tottenham supporters later.
In the meantime, I suggest you order another coffee if you want to know what a cup looks like. It may also help you to stay awake while watching Spurs play.

(Cough.) Ok, I'd better finish this speech on account of my throat.
Victoria threatened to cut it if I did too many Tottenham jokes.

I was looking for some words of wisdom to wrap up this speech, and I found this quote, from Socrates:
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy. If you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.”
Well, Steve's no philosopher… Not until he's had a few pints, anyway.

But seriously, I know that he's chosen himself the best possible wife, because he's certainly very happy. (pause here, and take your time over the next bit). I'd like to say, Victoria, how happy I am that you are now part of the family, and I'd like to thank you for making my brother such a happy man.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in raising your glasses, and toasting the future happiness of the bride and groom.

The Bride and Groom!