Speech by Rob Graham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rob Graham
Speech Date: 11/05/2010 10:15:07

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls; I hope your all having a fantastic day

First of all, I'd like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make NAME and NAME wedding day such a memorable and special occasion. Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job a hell of a lot easier!

As NAME has already mentioned, I was a little bit hesitant when I was first asked to be the best man. It's fair to say that as the stag weekend loomed and as I began writing this speech, any sentimental words quickly changed to four letter words.

I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing. In fact I have only ever been invited to two weddings; one of which I mistakenly called the bride by the name of the groom's ex girlfriend.

Anyway, I'll try my best, because NAME said if I do a cracking job today, I can be the Best Man at his next wedding, too. Just kidding.

Apparently the best man's job consists of two tasks:

The first…… being to make sure that NAME had a relatively quiet last night of freedom and that he got a good night's sleep. I can confirm to you all that last night he slept like a baby………that is he wet the bed twice………..and woke up several times crying for his MUMMY!

The second is to make sure NAME got here on time, in a reasonably sober state and looking rather dapper. I think that this duty is quite unfair given what I've got to work with and that we were down the Bulls Head at 11 am sharp. So you have my sincere apologies NAME; you will have to be content with NAME turning up on time!

So….let's start from the beginning

NAME was brought into this world on 30th November 1980. He is a little bit sensitive about the big 3 0 approaching so I recommend that you all remind him of it when you see him.

Now I thought it would be a good idea to note some facts about that day so that we can all appreciate how extraordinary his arrival was.

Unfortunately, absolutely nothing of significance whatsoever happened on that day. Although I've heard that the nurses at Leicester Royal Infirmary still refer to that day as ugly Sunday.

Refusing to be beaten, I moved onto the 8^th May. For those of you that have got cracking on the wine and are struggling to keep up; it is the 8^th May today! A number of remarkable people have been brought into the world on this day and it's pretty scary when you see the impact that they have had on NAME.

Ian Fleming (1908; author of the James Bond series).

David Attenborough (1926; naturalist. You'll soon learn about NAME love of all things furry. I'll explain this one a little bit later).

Now hopefully that is where the similarities end because finally, born in 1944. He was a massive hit in the 1970’s and is the reason why Cambodia was taken off the honeymoon shortlist. Yes, 1944 signalled the birth of Gary Glitter.

Growing up together, I am proud to say that I was an angelic child, no trouble to anyone, but the same could not be said of NAME. It was clear from day one that he had no respect for his younger brothers……… and that he wanted to get rid of us.

To start with, he decided to unleash NAME into the real world, opening the front door and watching him crawl into the distance. NAME, only being able to crawl backwards, pointed his bum in the direction that he wanted to go in and was found a few hours later, half way down the street at some family BBQ.

As you can see, this was unsuccessful as NAME is here with us today! Although he tends to walk these days, I can assure you that if you stick around, he'll be crawling around the bar in a few hours.

The next occasion was when NAME and NAME decided to gang up against me.  Because I was the youngest I had to go shopping with mum whilst the other two stayed at home with dad.  When we returned from shopping a scene of absolute horror greeted me – they had executed all of my toys with dressing gown cords and they were hanging outside the front of the house in a long line of about 20 animals.

I'd like to say that his fondness of executions is in the past but if anyone saw the big grin on his face when he had an AK-47 in Poland the other week you'd probably disagree

So who is the man who sits here before us today? We know about his love of all things glamorous; expensive cars, luxury yachts and you've only got to look at your table names to realise that he is completely obsessed with James Bond. However, what many of you won't know is NAME's recent attempts to understand the game of Rugby and to try and become a die-hard Leicester Tigers fan.

Now you may think it is embarrassing to stand next to NAME in front of 20 odd thousand people when he shouts out the wrong players name or even requests at the top of his voice for one 19 stone front rower to molester another. However, time and time again, NAME has become more embarrassing after the game…… as the night wears on.

I'd love to stand here and tell you about NAME's legendary encounter with a pair of cross-dressers, his unhealthy obsession with a Royal Marine Commando or his attempts to pole dance.

But….… I'm not liking my chances of getting away from this table alive if I carry on so you'll have to buy me a pint at the bar and I'll be more than glad to dish the dirt. In case you're curious, mine will be a Carling.

Now, just to remind you of some of the words that NAME has used to describe himself this afternoon; charismatic, loveable, selfless and believe or not we even have handsome.

This is pretty interesting because I also found a few words to describe NAME and it doesn't completely match up.

I was expecting this to be used as a chance to chuck some insults NAME's way and I wasn't disappointed.

Moody, stubborn, and my favourite of all…..stingy. That is just to name a few……..

But I figured that mum and dad probably know him pretty well after 30 years so who am I to complain?

Now I am sure that the majority of blokes in this room today will remember the summer of 2006 for a number of reasons. England getting knocked out of another major tournament in the quarters or Christiano Ronaldo cheekily getting our very own Wayne Rooney sent off in this game. NAME however remembers this summer for a different reason.

And from the look on his face…….he has no idea what I'm about to say!

And it is here, Ladies and Gentleman that we have to acknowledge this man's overwhelming charm and raw sex appeal.

NAME put the beer and football mania to one side and went searching for love; roaming the Spanish countryside for that one special little lady. NAME found a little lamb; a twin which had been rejected by its mother; he untangled it from hedges and spent hours climbing the mountainside with the lamb in his arms looking for its parents. NAME was so distraught at not being able to use his own breasts to feed the lamb that he even sent Mum and Dad to the supermarket to buy baby milk.

Despite NAME's best efforts, unfortunately the poor little lamb didn't make it.

Although I tormented you at the time older brother, I have gone to a great deal of effort to track down the lamb's twin and here she is tonight; a little reminder of that special summer of love.

Perhaps the most important duty of the best man is to offer some strong words of wisdom to stand the happy couple in good stead for the future.

I decided to try the Internet and came across some really interesting things. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for Best Man advice!

I came across the following:

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

To help the course of true love run smoothly never forget those three very important words you must say every day..… “Your right dear.”

Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it

Whenever you're right, just say nothing!

As they say, a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

Now just in case NAME fails to assert himself as the master of the house……which is pretty likely if you ask me……I've found a few more words of wisdom.

So NAME, you're first.

NAME, remember, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand NAME women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

That is as much advice as I can give I'm afraid.

On a more serious note, NAME's, been a great brother to me and we've had some excellent times together and I'm sure we'll have more in the future. It's been an absolute honour to be the best man today. The whole family is proud of you NAME, and we are all thrilled to see you marrying your beautiful bride NAME today. I wish them all the happiness in the world.

And I'd like to thank everyone here for attending. It still amazes me how genuinely thrilled everybody is in sharing this special day with NAME and NAME……and at the prospect of a free meal and complimentary wine.

I'd like to thank all the organisers for their hard work in preparing this wedding. I think you'll all agree it is a fantastic venue, and has been organised meticulously.

I'd also like to thank the ushers today, they've done a great job of ushing –  lets face it, has not been an easy job with the type of crowd we've had here today.

On a final note, I would just like to reiterate what NAME and Mark have already said; that the bridesmaids look fantastic today and that NAME looks absolutely stunning.

So then, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention immense relief, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the happy couple.

Ladies and Gentleman, NAME and NAME.