Speech by Rob Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rob Johnson
Speech Date: oct 2003

Ladies and gentlemen on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank
Steve and Mr G for their kind words.

THE BIT WITH THE ‘SEX WITH THE QUEEN’ JOKE

For those of you that don't know me my name is ‘Rob can-I-buy-you-a-drink’
so feel free to come and say hello to me today.

Now I wouldn't say I'm experienced at this kind of thing but it did just
occur to me that this isn't the first time today that I've got up form a
warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand, although admittedly that wasn't
in front of quite so many people- all the same I'll do my best- after all I
have been told that being best man is a lot like making love to the Queen:
it's a great honour but no-one really wants to do it.

It is an honour though and I do really want to do it (be best man that is)
especially having read a book on what it means to be a best man and I quote:

“To qualify for the post of best man the successful applicant will be sober,
level-headed, punctual, thorough, of harmonious disposition, tactful, witty
and decisive.”

Clearly Steve didn't read this before choosing yours truly though! Anyway,
lets get the focus off my inadequacies and onto those of Mr 2 dinners
himself.

THE BIT WHERE BERT LIVED WITH STEVE

Steve and I became acquainted with each other when we lived in the same hall
of residence at Sheffield University- Steve fulfilling the role of
obligatory Christian guitarist in the CU, the guy everyone expects to be a
worship leader when they grow up- admirably he is one already and not a
beard or sandals in sight, so he's avoided the stereotype well.

The weird thing is that I never knew Steve before he was engaged so whether
he had a sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle before the engagement or
whether that was just something he got into at university I guess I'll never
know- obviously I'm kidding, and if truth be told the only flings Steve had
in first year were with Stella and Doner- the lager and kebab respectively.

Guitars, beer, and dodgy fast food aside though, we all had to do work when
we came to uni, and for Steve it soon became clear that Physics wasn't the
course for him- maybe ambitions to burn girls hair and gas the class hamster
were rejected I don't know- but either way he made the decision to switch to
that walk-in-the-park degree Computer Science. Admittedly it was a mystery
to most of us why Steve decided his vocation in life involved sitting in a
chair in a smelly room staring at a screen for hours on end, although as
anyone who has ever ventured into Steve's room would agree, the signs have
been there for a long time.

One way or another me and Steve have lived no further apart than one floor
since starting uni- we both revealed our fear of responsibility when we
stayed in our hall for a second year where they employed nice people to cook
for us and even nicer people to clean our rooms. At this stage I think we
were under the impression that living in a real house involves cooking
proper food, cleaning the toilet and paying bills on time- having lived in a
house with Steve for the last year I'm not sure if he actually is aware of
those extra responsibilities- all I can say is good luck Anja. Seriously
though I'm sure Steve's love of dodgy processed food, untidiness in general,
and bathroom hogging are the lovable little habits that Anja married him
for…right?

THE BIT WHERE THEY GOT IT TOGETHER

Now I'm sure by now some of you are wondering how the romantic stallion
himself got it together with the woman of his dreams in the first place-
Anja included probably.
Well the following account is drawn from both sides of the story just to
ensure my facts are straight, so here goes.

Steve was the new boy at school in sixth form, obviously giving him an air
of mystery and intrigue hard to resist by any woman. As Steve caused a stir
in the female population of M Sixth Form College, a marvellous young lady by
the name of Anja plucked up the courage to ask Steve ‘what he would say if
she asked him to be her boyfriend’. The ever-charming Steve, if a little
cautious, told her he would have to ‘think about it’. The lovely but
downhearted Anja took it as rejection, until one fine day when walking in a
park not too far from here, the on-form Steve asked Anja if she'd like to
give that thing she was talking about ‘a go’. Needless to say from that
beautiful moment they've never looked back.

THE BIT WHERE STEVE PROPOSES

The proposal itself took place in that very same park some three years ago-
Steve complaining his knee hurt and asking to sit down, only to get down on
one knee and utter those 3 beautiful words every girl want to hear:
‘Marry me, darling’
Now in Anja's version of events she told me at that point she cried- I'll
take that to be tears of joy as opposed to realising what she was about to
let herself in for- and they've both been planning for this very day ever
since.

THE BIT WHERE BERT GOES GOOEY

And may I take this opportunity to say how good its been so far- you may
well be having second thoughts about best man choice but despite that, I
think everyone will agree all the preparation has been worth it- so much so
that 3 years, half a degree and one battering with paintballs, flour and
eggs, later I'm very happy to say they have finally tied the knot, no pun
intended.

Anja you're looking absolutely stunning and have been all day, and
Steve…well…at least you had a shave mate!

Steve has been a great friend during my time in Sheffield, and has to be one
of the most chilled out people I know and somehow remains relaxed in pretty
much any situation- as most of you will know if he was any more laid back he
would be horizontal! Look he's falling asleep even now!!! Another of Steve's
fine qualities has to be what can only be described as his ‘unique’ sense of
humour, which has fuelled many hilarious moments in the last few years.

At this point I feel I should impart some words of wisdom but instead I'll
read you some sound advice I found in my research on marriage-

TOAST

Steve you're an honest and loyal friend who is genuinely in love with God
and clearly head over heels in love with Anja. Mate I've enjoyed many a pint
and far too many games of pool with you over the last few years and I
sincerely hope to enjoy many many more.

I hope you'll raise your glasses with me, as I wish Steve and Anja both a
very happy, joy-filled marriage and pray that God blesses you enormously as
you share your lives with Him.

To Mr and Mrs K!!