Speech by Rob Leader

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rob Leader
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Hi everyone. — For those of you that don't know me personally, my name's Rob; My full name is “Rob would u like a drink?”. So if I bump into at the bar a bit later on, I'd appreciate it if you used my full name.

I really thought that following a speech by Mike would be quite difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a bloody word.
So, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, and the Ushers I would like to thank Mike for …erm…whatever he just said.

I'd like to start off my speech, by congratulating the happy couple, and by telling Jen how gorgeous she looks.

The marriage ceremony, asks that couples take each other for better or for worse. Mike, in finding Jen you really couldn't have done any better. Jen….., it could be worse.

In preparation of my Speech Jen very kindly gave me a few pieces of advice.

1. Mikes ex girlfriends – I was worried about the potentially delicate task of keeping Mike's ex girlfriends at bay. However due to a bout of foot and mouth last year, this task has been made considerably easier.

2. That the speech should last no longer than it takes Mike to make love. (Pause) So, with that. Thank-you very much for listening and goodnight. (Sit down)

3. And of course don't talk about the stag weekend – fortunately, for all of us that were there, the law of stag covers that. However, I don't think that I could live with myself if I didn't .. BANANA

So at this stage, I am supposed to speak about the Groom.
Mike is like a brother to me, he is the funniest person that I've ever known and one of life's good people, he's basically one of those annoying guys that everyone seems to like…

We've been friends since the age of about 5, in fact it was that Christmas as a 5 year old, when I realised what true friendship really meant. I remember painstakingly creating this wonderful card with cotton wool and glitter all over it..… I was so chuffed when I gave it to him.
He opened it, read it and then handed it back to me saying that he didn't want it because he thought it was rubbish and that he couldn't read my writing.

As we grew up, we were (to my horror) inseparable, we went to primary school together, we joined secondary school together, we joined the cub scouts together. He even started to listen to the same music as me.. DO YOU GET WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS? As we grew older I joined a football team, Mike joined the same football team. I became a FANTASTIC snowboarder. Mike…bought himself a snowboard. AND NOW…Mike has even started to copy the way I dress………

~~pull card from pocket~~
What can I say about Michael Vincent Plant, or as he was known at School compost corner!!!

He's :
• Devilishly Handsome
• Extremely Witty
• Intelligent
• Charming
• Good Looking
• He's Per… Per… Sorry MIKE I'm having trouble reading your writing.
~~~throw the card away~~~

I was also present when Mike first met the love of his life – Stella. The things he did because of Stella.
Ah yes, who could forget those crazy, crazy nights with Mike and Stella Artois.
In some way, these nights brought us closer together.
I felt like I had become a second mother to him.
Watching him trying to talk, gurgling, crawling on all fours, crying and wetting himself… Ahhh. Proud moments indeed.

Then Mike met Jen and they fell in love. I remember the day that Mike met Jen, he was so happy. But I also seem to remember that he was a little confused.… I remember that he kept asking us what the age of consent is these days..… Don't know why?
But in all honesty, when I first met Jen I was amazed to see what a great match they were. And I'm not surprised that we are all here today to celebrate the marriage of two wonderful people.

A few weeks ago while Mike and I were getting measured up for these suits!! We were chatting about the wedding. I asked Mike if he was thinking about changing after the wedding ceremony. He pondered for a second and then announced.” I'll probably become more hen pecked “ There's no probably about it mate, I'm sorry.

If you want to know any more juicy stuff, you'll have to wait for my autobiography, alternatively you could me a drink at the bar later, and I'll tell you anything…

Words of wisdom for Mike
• Remember the 5 rings; The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing, and the enduring.
• There are three words you must never forget, ‘Your right dear’.

So, on behalf of the very beautiful Bridesmaids, the equally beautiful Ushers
I'd like to thank the Bride and Groom for the lovely gifts

I would now like to read a couple of telegrams, which have been sent here today.
The first doesn't seem to have an address
To Jen. From Wimbledon Keynes Football Club.
Mike once came to us for a trial. We tried him in every position, and he was absolutely useless.–
Now it's your turn.—

Ps but please let him know that he may be useful in four years when we're back in the conference… Where we belong. Golly!!!

The second one is addressed to
My dearest Mikey pooh .
I miss your strong arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whisper sweet nothings in my ear.—I realise I am a loser in love, but I will never forget those wonderful evenings we spent together by the pool.
Love forever;——–Michael Barrymore.—

When I was preparing this speech, I did some research and came across an ancient book with many different definitions regarding marriage, I'd like to read you a few.
• The aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
• The altar – the place where 2 become 1
• Hymn – the celebration of the marriage
I'm thinking that Jen must have read the same book, ‘cos as she walked passed, I'm sure I heard her whispering "Aisle, Altar, Hymn, Aisle, Altar, Hymn"

Right then, before I finish, I just need to get one thing straight…

Oh and Mike, thanks for finally admitting that I am the Best man.

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to ask
you to join me in a toast.

Mike & Jen. the bride and groom.