Speech by Rob Park

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rob Park
Speech Date: May 2002
• Not the first time today I've got up from a warm seat holding a piece of paper (pause then laughter).

• Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. I'm glad to see so many people could make it, especially those from far and wide. It is amazing what some people will do for a free prawn volauvent.

• May I thank you for attending this wonderful occasion on Andrew and Lizzie's wedding day. Can I also congratulate the bridesmaids on looking so nice and for doing a great job in making sure that Liz went against her better judgement and attended today? Thanks also to the ushers friends and families who have all helped this day run so smoothly.

• I can remember the day Andy asked me to be his best man, I thought to myself WHY? what have I done to deserve this? Can't he ask someone else? You see being the best man is much like making love to the queen mother – it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

• For those of you who don't know me, my names Rob and I'm hear to make a mockery of this mans presence on this planet, And yes.… there are some truly lurid stories I can tell, but this speech is not the vehicle for them as we have a priest present. You can however bid for them with booze at the bar later.

• There are a few points I had to remember today in order for this day to run smoothly and was surprised to find out that there is a check list for such events.

1.
2. Check that his face and hair are in order, the trouble being if god didn't put them in order the first time round, what chance have I got!
3. Try to avoid any ex girlfriend's turning up unexpectedly, which to be honest since Weymouth council opened the new wing of their mental hospital, has not been difficult.
4. To summarise, it has been my job to make sure that Andy is something he normally isn't – basically smart, punctual and sober!

• Andy was born on an insignificant year in history, 1973, unless of course you are partial to paying VAT. I first encountered Andy at a student residence in Manchester. Our early exchanges were memorable, something along the lines of “alright I'm rob big Jeff's mate?”, to which he replied “Huh.” I soon learned that that particular expression is one of Andy's terms of endearment. From there our relationship understandably flourished, and even moor so when I found out he started his Dj career playing Black lace down the village hall dressed as The Pink Panther, which so I'm told ended in Andy drinking one to many free baby shams and showing the punters what he'd had for breakfast that day.

• I suppose I'm to tell a story or 2 about Andy's jaded passed, and to be honest it was quite a difficult task selecting from the numerous occasions in which Andy has surpassed himself to reach village idiot status.

• Whilst we were in Greece one night, approximately 4 days into touring a few Greek islands, we'd been to a bar one night and decided later on to go back there for another couple of beers. We sat down and the barman, who unbeknown to Andy, was the guy/girl who served us when we came in the first time, kind of floated over produced the biggest painted fingernail I'd ever seen and proceeded to caress Andy's face with it saying, “Ello I remember your face” to which Andy did his “huh” and proceeded to go very white, quiet and adopted a 1000 yard stare. So being the considerate adults that we were we proceeded to ridicule Mr Moore about his first gay experience, and with that as well as a few other minor issues (show picture Andy covered in cream) Andy threw all his toys out of the pram and stormed off. We were to learn 2 days later after running all over searching for him and phoning friends to see if anyone had heard anything, that he had gone to the airport exchanged his flight and gone home, no note or anything.… But that's all right as he went home because he missed Liz and didn't want to waste any more holidays on us. Andrew you still owe me £20 for all the Grecian 2000 I had to buy to cover up the grey hair I acquired whilst looking for you.

• Now, and I never thought I'd do this in this speech but I'd like to quote Freud by saying “The great question is, what does a woman want?” Well, its quite clear from Lizzi's point of view that women want a football watching, wardrobe watering, voucher touting, pass out fairy, who looks like he should still be attending school.

• I'm sure you'll agree they make a perfect couple. Liz brings to the relationship beauty, integrity, honesty, reliability and intelligence, while Andy brings.… erm… erm (check notes), ah, Andy brings his collection of vintage HMV vouchers and a wrinkly old copy of Razzle.

• In all seriousness though I know that Andy and Liz make a great couple and that in Andy Liz will find a brilliant bloke who has been a great friend to me over the years, and someone who I'm sure will make a fantastic husband. Best of luck.

TELEGRAMS

MARK RAY

• Dear Andy and Liz, I found it hard to write, as you're the first of the boy's (except me) to get married. It's times like this that I miss home. I have a lot of fond memories that I'm not allowed to talk about but Andy, if it wasn't for you I don't know who my friends would have been. From the start you lead me astray. Introducing me to the boy's, to that trip around Preston, right through to my 21st birthday. You've been a great friend! I wish you and Liz all the best for the future. I'm looking forward to meeting you Liz, next time I visit. You must be very brave.

All my love Mark

MATTHEW MOORE

• Dear Andy and Liz… although I can't trade Delhi for Dublin to be at your wedding today, it's good to know that your marriage will be everything you hope for and more.

Matthew Moore, India

• Now would you all please stand, and join me in a toast to the happy couple "to Mr and Mrs Moore".