Speech by Rob Pearse

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rob Pearse
Speech Date: Jun 2002
GREET

Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen, I hope your all having a good time today, as much as I was until about 30seconds ago.
Firstly I'd like to agree with James that Sarah the bridesmaid does indeed look beautiful and so does the bride. Before I begin with James’ character assassination I would like to thank Sarah for her roles so well and continuing to look so good throughout the day…….(START A QUICK APPLAUSE)…
(ONCE CLAPPING HAS FINISHED)……Blimey not bad thanks for that, but be careful next time, cause last time I had a clap like that I had to take antibiotics for about a fortnight.
I always knew it was going to be difficult to follow a speech by my brother James, and I was right I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.

For those of you who don't know me. My name is “Rob would you like another drink” and I am James’ best man. I'll be around later so please do not hesitate to come and introduce yourself, but I must insist you call me by my full name.

To be honest with you all, I was feeling a little nervous about this speech, but not as nervous as James was this morning. He said he had a few butterflies in his stomach but that serves him right for eating caterpillars. Seriously though this isn't the first time today I have stood from a warm seat with sheets of paper in my hand today. Still not quite as bad as James, I found this in his toilet earlier ….(HOLD UP A BRICK)…

Still after many months of careful planning by Kelly & James and a great deal of hard work it's great to see how well things have turned out so far today. It is great to see James finally relaxing and letting his hair down today. For the past couple of years, it has been his hair – that's been letting him down! Don't worry I wont mention the experiment with hair dye which didn't quite work out and resulted in you looking like Robbie Fowler after he'd been Tango-ed.

So much has been organised in order for today to come together as well as it has, but not least the food. This was always going to be a debated topic..I mean James's idea of a balance diet is a tube of Pringles in each hand. And when asked about coq – au – vin he thought it meant sex in a lorry.

START

In time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give James the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of the day. Which to be fair is only what he gives Kelly every-time they go to bed.

We are here to celebrate a love match: Pure and Simple. Kelly is pure and James is, well he's not Stephen Hawking. For those of you who are related to the lovely Kelly and perhaps don't know James very well please allow me to gives you an insight to my younger brother.

James was born in Southampton on the 22nd March 1979 and was the size of a small baby. He shares his birthday with William Shatner (Captain Kirk no less) and Andrew Lloyd Webber which could explain his singing talents. He was so surprised by his birth he was speechless for about a year and a half. He is the youngest of 3 children and nearly wasn't called James, Mum and Dad's preference was Thursday cause after he was born they said “I think we should call it a day”… My preference was Morph as he looked just like that small plastercine man off Take Hart – all small and wrinkly. 1979 was also the year Margaret Thatcher became the first woman Prime Minister and Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize …events I'm sure you'll agree that have had a large impact on James’ political and religious outlook…!!!!..…

Interestingly James shares his birthday with the release date of the 1st Beatles album “Please Please Do” (1963) and today the 1st June is the same day Sgt Pepper's was released in 1967 and Let 7 Let Die was released in 1973. Now I don't know how many people here have witnessed James guitar playing skills but it just so happens that “Live & Let Die” is one of his personal favourites….and to prove it I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to demonstrate.
PRODUCE HIS OLD GUITAR.
……………………………

Looking at James today at 23 years old it's not hard to believe he was an extremely ugly baby. In fact if I remember correctly Mum didn't start morning sickness until after he was born. He didn't enjoy school as much as the other kids. I know at playschool he was different, all the other kids were 4 years old and he was 12. But in his defence he was a special child, so much so that he was put in all the special classes. By the time he was 9 James had started reading his first book and by the time he was 14 he'd finished that Mr Man book.

However I have managed to obtain a copy of James school report.
Obviously being 5 years older than James I wasn't at school with him as such but you can imagine my surprise when I read his old teachers comments.

READ FROM BOOK
Geography
James is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere port is a fine table wine.
Biology
Whilst James is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education
James's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

Now, I've had plenty of time to recall all of those embarrassing tales that James would rather not have heard today. But the truth is James has rarely done anything embarrassing, amusing or even vaguely interesting at all for that matter. In fact the more I think about it the more I start to think that I was chosen to be his best man because in his tearaway teenage years I was elsewhere in the country whilst he experienced what it was like to be sick through drink for the first time. Perhaps this
was a calculated risk by my younger brother – predicting I was the safest bet. (Look for the table of lads and ask them what they think).

Many of the home truths that I have about James don't involve lap dancers and ping pong balls, mine are more of the getting the younger brother in trouble or watch as he get's told off variety. Expect of course the Camel story in Lanzarote …..I would tell it to you all here and now but I'm quite sure James will get a right hump on.

Kidding Kidding..I jest – James you are in fact a very lucky man marrying Kelly, she is a lovely person and she deserves a great husband. Well done Jay and thank god you married her before she found one. I don't feel I need to keep congratulating James I've already said to him that he'll look back on this and see it as the happiest day of his life. However I did say that to him yesterday..!!

The STAG night/day.…
Now to say organisation in the same sentence as the stag night would be a gross over-statement which would lead every single person here astray. This wasn't the typical, lets do this, lets do it here and this is who's coming. More like, who would like to pay for it all, put it on their credit card and we'll just see whether the money comes it at a later stage. Needless to say my chequebook sponsored by Dunlop wasn't volunteered to quickly. Like any good stag event everything must remain a closely guarded secret but I feel I must share the harsh fact with you all that the Best Man” did indeed power to victory in the Go-Karting.

But we digress….…

Before the cards and toasts I would like to share my picture of James & Kelly tomorrow morning before the all important England match. James will call down for room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order Beans on Toast, 8 hash browns , some chips, of course some scampi and two pints of orange juice. For his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot.
The room service lady will of course be puzzled by James’ request and ask him whether Mrs Pearse might want something more substantial
To which James is likely to reply
"Probably, but I'm just conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"

From here I am sure they will go on to have a long and fruitful marriage (interrupted or course only by the World Cup). Who knows perhaps even children may appear soon. I happen to know that both James and Kelly would like to have babies whilst there still young. Very sensible if you ask me. I mean who wants old babies???

But each to their own and who am I to dish out advice. I would prefer to leave that to the wealth of married experience that sits in front of us today. Earlier I distributed some cards asking people to write a short note of what marriage means to them and if its is OK with you all I'd like to read a random selection out for advice to the Bride & Groom as well as some cards from those that unfortunately couldn't make it here today to share in this special day.

READ three genuine cards, & then:

1. James & Kelly – Is is important to get on with the mother in law. I didn't speak to mine for 2 years. Not cauue I didn't like her it's just I didn't want to interrupt her.

2. To the Happy couple – I never knew what happiness was until I got married…..and now it is too late.

3. This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips,
Call 0898 and ask for Hot Lips.

FINISH

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances.
On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me. I would just like to say that if you have enjoyed this speech half as much as I've enjoyed giving it then I can only apologise.

It gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for James & Kelly, Mr and Mrs Pearse no less. To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune to the happy couple; To the Bride and Groom.