Speech by Robert dolce

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robert dolce
Speech Date: 16/12/2012 23:10:43

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

First of all thank you to my support act Matt for your speech.

Before I start I want to say that so far what a brilliant day it's been, also how beautiful Michelle looks today… 

For those of you who do not know me my name is Bob and I am the SECOND best man… (Cheers Dave)

So how did I become best man? About 6 months ago Dave called me and asked to meet me in his work van in Lambeth, so I drove to Lambeth where we met up, after some general chit chat Dave looked me straight in the eyes, then his voice went all quiet and trembly and he asked what I felt about marriage, I was rather taken aback, I told he I was flattered but what happened between us happened but I am married and he had to move on….

Anyway, I gave my advice to Dave and he done the right thing and asked Michelle to marry him, yes he was always punching above his weight but hey she said yes and here we are today! Dave truly is in love with Michelle, he tells me regularly he misses her when he is stuck late at work and often mentions her name when restraining and handcuffing suspects…

So for the speech I thought what do I talk about?

Do I stand here and just slaughter Dave about all the things he has been involved in; the only problem with doing that is it tends to incriminate me, or do I stand here and talk about all Dave's ex girlfriends, but that would not be fair on us: one we do not have that much time and two it's impossible to remember all those names!

So onto the main speech, now as I said I felt a lot of pressure over writing this, this pressure was added this morning when Dave pulled me aside and said ‘Bob, if you do a really good speech today, I promise you can be the first best man at my next wedding!’ So the pressure is on!

So the main part…

If there's anybody here, this afternoon,

Who is filled with dread and impending doom…

It's because you have just married David Smailes…

If you knew Dave as well as me,

I knew him when he was fiancée and fancy free,

I have known him for over 6 years

Some say, that's 6 years way too long…

I cannot remember what was said The day myself and David met

We probably laughed and joked about his love life,

And now he's got himself, a wife…

Chorus

Bye bye Mr. bachelor Smailes You met Michelle and now you're married now your freedom has sailed!

Even if you're right, just admit that you're wrong

Michelle is now officially your wife,

But Dave, you have made the best decision of your life 

Now I asked Dave's friends to sum him up in one word

But to be truthful a lot of what was said cannot be heard,

Loyal and generous a laugh and a mate

When he gets real drunk he gets in a right old state 

So I asked his work mates what they thought of Dave They said Dave is like god but he constantly misbehaves

At works he's never visible

And if he does any work it's a bloody miracle!

Dave met Michelle on the inter web

And when he saw her picture he immediately said

Bob I think that I love a guy!

He said Michelle has such fantastic hair

And a great ass too, without any hair

And she's lovely, kind and caring…

Well Dave moved out of my house rather quick

And after 2 weeks it was me who felt love sick

But Hey at least my house now smelt better!

Now Michelle I now that you are his dear

But you need to think really clear

Do you really want to marry a man?

Who dresses like a Queer? (GET PIC)

Now I knew Dave would marry a Guy, No surprise there

But at least it's a pretty one, and I have some advice for you

Only have eyes for your bride, show respect and fart outside

And never, ever under the covers,

Now you're married there are things you cannot do

No sky TV without prior romance

Get used to long weekend watching strictly come dance

Don't spend any time arguing or shouting

Michelle is always right and she will do all the shouting…

Dave you have a great woman we say,

You knew that on the very 1st day

But my door is always open…

For the day you forget Michelle's birthday!

So bye bye to Michelle's single life,

You married Dave and now his with you and part of your life,

He will forget anniversaries drink in pubs every night

But don't think you will have to escape,

Dave's the best decision you could ever make…

As best man I have to offer some marriage advice, and like Dave I am seasoned… So Dave, how do you impress your new wife?  Well, you should compliment her, cuddle her, kiss and caress her.  You should love her, stroke her, tease and comfort her.  You should protect her, hug her and hold her.  You should spend money on her, wine and dine her, listen to her, care for her and stand by her.  Above all, you should go to the ends of the earth for her.

And Michelle, how should you impress your new husband? Turn up naked with a doner kebab. I had a quick look on the Internet and found the top 5 bits of marriage advice, and they go like this…

1. The best way to remember your anniversary… Is to forget it once!

2. Always remember the special 3 words and say them every day…your right Michelle…

3. always remember a quote from Oscar Wilde” women are meant to be loved… Not understood”!

4. Everyone with a partner please turn to each other and stare into each other's eyes… Statistically you are staring at the person most likely to murder you!

5. And number 5 and the most important, always get on with your mother in law, I have not spoke to my mother in law for two years, not because I don't like her I just don't like to interrupt her!! I was also going to mention that an anagram of mother in law is woman Hitler but I won't! On a serious note… Dave, I have to remind you how lucky you are, you will leave here today with a wife, someone who is beautiful, warm, kind and caring and who will always put you first Michelle, you will leave here today with a beautiful dress and bouquet of flowers!

 *********

When Dave asked me to be his best man

I was honoured, Dave has a lot of friends he can call his best friends but he chose me, and for I thank you…

Myself and Dave often call each other brothers and I am sure that some people think we actually are, but I would be proud to call Dave my brother and his friendship is one I will have forever. Dave is the only man that I love, and I mean that, there's nothing I would not do for him…..

Michelle, please look after Dave and please lend him to me every now and again!

Well, I'm sure that by now you will be glad to hear that I'm almost done.  All that remains for me to do is to ask you to charge your glasses, stand and join me in wishing Mr & Mrs Smailes a long, prosperous and happy life together.  Ladies and gentlemen – to the Bride & Groom, Michelle and Dave!