Speech by Robert Evans

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robert Evans
Speech Date: 07/06/2014 14:13:49

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Rob and I'm the best man.  It has fallen on me to spill the beans, with a speech on Ross's life to date. When I jotted down a few humorous and embarrassing incidents involving Ross in preparation for this speech, it lasted 35 minutes. I was later reminded that there would be children present here today ,so I've had to cut out the rude bits, so if you could just bear with me, this will only take a moment.

Before I start I'd like to personally congratulate the happy couple, Alexandra and Ross.  Any of us here today, like me, who have been lucky enough to spend time in their company, know what a great partnership they are, perfectly complementing each other in a happy union.  You could say they are like a good pair of socks, for them to walk through life together, there needs to be two of them and they have to perfectly match.

I would like to just take a moment to say how beautiful Alex looks today in that fantastic dress…….  Ross likes it too and told me so. When he first saw it in the church, he commented that it would blend in perfectly with the rest of the kitchen.  Anyone who knows Ross's little OCD tendencies will know how important that is.

I'd also like to thank everyone on Ross and Alex's behalf for coming, sharing and witnessing this marriage day, I can only guess how nervous they were this morning.  Talking about being nervous, after being asked to be best man, I went to Waterstones and panic bought three books on being a best man.  The one that I decided to use as my bible for the day was called, “The duties of the best man”.  Unfortunately, I just got through a couple of pages and wasn't too sure if it was the best choice after reading the following and I quote,     “At the reception, the best man should help keep things running smoothly by introducing people and offering a round of drinks”.  I don't mind the first bit but at £5 a pint at the bar, this bottle of scotch I have under the table won't go that far.

Well, what can I say about a man who came from humble beginnings, he has eased through life with prowess to become a high achiever, whilst still remaining to be a popular, witty and humble guy.  In fact, no-one can say a bad word  against him, but enough about me, what I'm really here for this afternoon is to talk about my little brother, Ross William Evans  Actually Ross knew a long time ago that he wanted to marry Alex .As  many of you will be aware Ross and Alex have been together a long time now, getting together whilst still at school and managing to survive the challenges of going to separate universities and then settling down together in Newport.  But the biggest stumbling block to them finally getting together in matrimony was actually Ross's first love.… Newcastle United, he told me that he wanted to propose to Alex on the day Newcastle won a trophy.  This obviously explains why Alex had to wait so long to be asked for her hand in marriage.

He eventually came to his senses and realised that this blind faith in his football club was not as strong as his love for Alex.  Talking of Newcastle United, I'm still waiting for Ross to explain why they are called the Magpies as I thought Magpies were supposed to collect things that are shiny and silver, unlike the football team.

On a separate note, I would like to thank the bridesmaids all of whom look radiant, I'm sure you'll all agree and also for completing their main job admirably which was to get Alex to the church on time, which was no mean feat………, I understand that she put up quite a struggle! I must also mention how fabulous the new mother in laws, Wendy and Lilian look today and their fellas are looking pretty dapper too.

I would also like to thank the ushers for doing a great job today but also Ross, the ushers asked me to thank you on their behalf for allowing them to dress up today ,they said it makes a change from them having to dress you up in your various outfits.  For those of you who are unaware, Ross realised a childhood ambition on his stag do in Leeds, which was wearing certain outfits which he wouldn't get away with in any other circumstance.

I would like to tell you more about the stag but as the saying goes, what happens on stag, stays at the stag, but if you want to know more, Warner Brothers have been in contact after hearing of the legend of Ross's stag weekend and are set to open it at the cinema next year as Hangover Part Four, I'll say no more!

I also thought it would be a good idea to ask around to see what friends and family would say about him.  His colleagues call him “Gaffer”, I don't know why this is, but I'm sure the irony is not lost on everyone because we all know who the boss really is in his house.

Some other words you could use to describe Ross is charming, intelligent, and entertaining,  but nobody said those so I won't use them!  He was once described as arrogant, selfish and insensitive, mind you that was said on 12th September 1986 at 7:28am by his mother, moments before he was born! Eight hours of agony for his mum, and she has said that nothing has changed since.

But seriously, it's been a pleasure to have Ross as a brother, I was so happy when he was born.  It wasn't all changing nappies, wiping up sick and tucking him up in bed, although I am still required to do that occasionally, and despite the teenage mutant ninja turtles and power rangers years, there have also been many happy moments. You see I grew up with two sisters which was great but they didn't want to play football or cricket or rugby, so from his birth I was plying him with Man United Kits and teaching him all I knew about these sports in preparation for when he was going to be an international sports star or an Olympic hero.  As time went on I realised that despite my best efforts Ross was his own man and had his own ideas, dreams and goals and it has been great watching him grow and steadily achieve his ambitions, one of which he has achieved today ,and that was to capture a beautiful wife.  Actually I think he always had a thing for blondes.  I'm sure he will be embarrassed that I'm revealing his boyhood crush was Baby Spice – Emma Bunton.

For being the person he is I would like to say I'm very proud of him and love him very much.

Anyway I have some words of advice for a happy marriage Ross!  Marriage is like a workshop where a man works and a woman shops!  And the key to a successful marriage is to remember to say to Alex those very special three words – You're Right Dear!

I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honour it has been to be Ross's best man today and despite being reminded in every birthday card I have ever had from you Ross I'm glad you've finally admitted that I am the better man !

So then ladies and gentlemen it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding and raise a toast to Alex and Ross, along with those who could not be with us today, we wish them well for the future and may they enjoy a happy marriage.  I give you the new Mr and Mrs Evans.