Speech by Robert Foster

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robert Foster
Speech Date: May 2009
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I hope everyone is enjoying the day so far. It's been an emotional one…even the cake is in tiers!

Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Matthew an uncomfortable few minutes I'd like to thank him on behalf of the bridesmaids – Alexis, Claire and Hannah – for his kind words and for having them play a part in this very special day. I have to say they‘ve done a excellent job and look wonderful today, however they are only outshone by Olivia herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree, looks absolutely stunning. In fact, you could say Olivia looks one in a million today …as opposed to Matthew who looks like he was won in a raffle.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Robert, Matthew's brother. Please feel free to buy me a drink later!

I was actually a little worried as to how long the speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should last as long as it takes the Groom to perform his duties in the bedroom. So, with that ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you've been a great crowd!

I've obviously known Matthew all my life and Olivia for nearly a decade now and it's amazing to think that they're finally married – for better or for worse…which is quite appropriate, as Matthew couldn't have done any better and Olivia couldn't have done any worse!

I can remember travelling down to Bristol as a young teenager visiting Matthew and Olivia together even then I can remember thinking how well they suited each other. When I used to visit them at University they would take me out and about, in those days however I wasn't old enough to drink, and I can tell you it was no fun waiting in the car park for closing time!

As part of the speech I am apparently supposed to sing Matthew's praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I can't sing and I'm not going lie! As well as the speech, it would seem that there were three main roles that I had to fulfil as a Best Man…

The first was to get him there on time by making sure he got a good night's sleep before the wedding. Well, I can assure you he slept like a baby…he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying for his Mum! The second was to get him here looking handsome and presentable. Unfortunately, Him upstairs didn't get this right first time round so what chance did I have?! Finally, I was asked to ensure that no angry ex-girlfriends showed up impromptu to spoil the ceremony. Thankfully this wasn't a problem as the outbreak of foot and mouth saw most of them quarantined a few years ago.

In all seriousness, I was interested to learn today that Alan and Jennie have been married for very nearly 40 years. Our Mum and Dad have been married for over 30. Matthew and Olivia therefore have lots to aspire to. The renowned American journalist Mignon Mean-yohn McLaughlin once said… &quotA successful marriage requires falling in love many times – always with the same person.&quot I hope, well in fact I know, they can emulate those around the room who have achieved so much through marriage.

Both Alan and Matthew have already mentioned those that unfortunately couldn't be with us today. Talk of our much-missed Grandparents reminded me of a funny story involving me, and Matthew in fancy dress…
A few years ago while at school I had a weekend job at Waitrose that started early on Sunday mornings. I would often stay the preceding night at my Grandparents flat close to the supermarket. On one occasion I was on my way from the flat to work when I came across someone dressed in a rather tight Superman costume passed out on the pavement. Imagine my shock/horror/hilarity when I realised it was my ‘responsible’ older brother who had tried, and clearly failed, to make his way home from a day watching Maidenhead United's last away game of that season and a subsequent drunken night in Smokey Joe's with Zorro and a random gentlemen who became very attached to our super hero friends and was, apparently, to campness what Leeds United were to dirtiness in the 1970’s! I did the decent thing and escorted him back to our Grandparents were he was to sleep off the hangover. The look on their faces was, as you imagine, initially quite a picture!

Just before I finish, I have a quick message to read…

To Matthew, our best customer. Congratulations on your special day. Disappointed that Olivia turned down our quote for the catering. All the best, from the staff at Kebab Elite.

Now it gives me great joy to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, without whom today would not be the same.
So please, charge and raise your glasses in a toast to…The bar staff! Seriously, I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honour it's been to be Best Man today. On behalf of the Bride and Groom, I'd like thank everyone once again for attending and sharing their special day.

So then, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the happy couple… We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage…

Matthew and Olivia!

Enjoy the rest of the day.

Thank you.