Speech by Robert Morrison

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robert Morrison
Speech Date: Apr2007
Well Adam, when you told me you would be about 15 minutes, I thought I'd get a second opinion. Sam laughed and said why would tonight be any different, he's never lasted that long before!

Well Adam, thanks – it's always good to get a word in, before they put the chairs on the tables!

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome! Please allow me to introduce myself. For those of you I've not met before, my name is Rob and as Adam's best man, I'm delighted to be here…

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Adam for his kind words – they were very much appreciated. They also said, Adam, that you look very different sober!

I hope you've all enjoyed the day so far, and I think you'll all agree… at the ceremony today Sam looked absolutely stunning!
[encourage applause]

On the other hand Adam just looked stunned!

You can't deny it's been an emotional day though… even the champagne's in tiers!

Now, there are some things that, in the interests of good taste, are better left unsaid. Well… I'm here to say them!

But don't worry Adam, what goes on tours, stays on tours, right? Where are we today?
[Tours, France]

You know, someone said to me earlier that they'd never seen Adam looking so smart and shiny. But they hadn't seen him for 10 years and back then he did have more hair!

Funnily enough, when I first met Adam, back in 1991 as a student in Liverpool , he did have hair: a floppy mop and big 1980s glasses. They made him look like Hugh Grant.

Now he usually wears rimless spectacles, and given how it's going on top, in a couple of years he'll be doing impressions of Sven-Goran Eriksson!

Mind you, that wasn't his most distinguishing feature. He had a broken leg and wore a plaster cast for the first six months as a student. At Freshers week, he soon earned the title of “Hop-Along-Lewis”.

And after 10 pints of Guinness, his dancing on crutches would embarrass even Peter Crouch!

Sam, let's see if he's improved for tonight's first dance!

Now as a hard working lad, Hop-Along was keen to earn some beer money. So he took on one of the toughest jobs on the planet: “sellin’ winduz ta scausas”

Picture him: limping door-to-door through the estates of Toxteth, trying to sell double glazing. He tells me later, “them mickey mousers ain't even got glass in their winduz, we should be floggin’ ‘em doubl chipbawd”
To be fair, the boy did good and charmed the rough locals with his passion for “spawt” and football punditry. People tell me that, if you can spare an hour or two, his abilities to talk the game, are far better than his ball skills!

Would you mind keeping it down in the Red Bull n Vodka section!

Speaking of which, earlier this morning Adam let me in on a secret. We were having a cheeky double brandy to calm the nerves and he came over all hot a bothered, he mumbled: “d'ya fink I shaud tell Sam ‘bout Lara?”…
I was shocked… I just didn't know what to say…

Then the penny dropped, I took him by the lapels, looked him in the eye, and said: You geek, today you should forget your fantasies about Lara Croft…, Sonic the Hedgehog…, and bloody Pacman!

As a grown man, and respectable father, I thought Adam's love affair with computer games would be over…

But what do I find in Adam's lounge, just a year ago. Adam wired up to a Playstation and karate kicking the TV screen, wearing Dominic's Spiderman cape, red pants and virtual reality socks!

Oh yes, now for some messages from absent friends and family:
Mark's Evans/Jennings won't be coming along this evening, he couldn't make bail!

Finally… I bet that's a word you're happy to hear!

I'd like to raise a glass and toast the fabulous bride, Sam, and congratulate both of you on your good fortune. You make a wonderful couple and fantastic family!

We all wish you the greatest happiness in the future!

So would you all stand and join me in saying, as they do in these parts: A votre sant&#233!

To Sam and Adam!