Speech by Robert Osborne

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robert Osborne
Speech Date: Aug 2001
OPENING
When John came to me and asked me to be his best man, you know, organize a
stag party, get John to the church on time and say a few nice things about him at the reception, frankly I told John that it was a great honor to be asked, but I felt he'd be better of with someone else especially since i live in Amsterdam! But then John turned around and offered me twenty quid. I couldn't believe this and I told him in no uncertain terms that I am not a man who can be bought. I also felt a little bit insulted that he thought twenty pounds could buy my friendship… He then offered me fifty
pounds………..…

SO, Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen.

INTRODUCTION
Before I start, If there's anybody here who feels a little nervous and
apprehensive, It's probably because you've just got married to John Bavister ! So, without delay for those of you that don't know me, my name is Robert and I will be John's Best man for the day.

REPLY BRIDESMAIDS THANKS
Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank John for his kind
words. I have to agree that they look absolutely fantastic and have done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Sarah to the church on time. I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding even the cake was in tiers!

TO THE BRIDE and WARN THE GROOM
Before I launch into my traditional character assassination of the groom, I
think we all agree that Sarah looks like one in a million today and absolutely fantastic and John looks.… Well, he looks like he was won in a raffle. John, I think you've done extremely well in marrying Sarah. You've got someone who's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. And Sarah, you've got … Well… John Really……………
It's good to see John relaxing and letting his hair down today. For the
past couple of years, it has been his hair – that's been letting him down! What's left of it!

CHOOSING THE BEST MAN
OK. As you may know it is said that being asked to be the best man is like
making love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honor but nobody wants to do it! …….But with my current run of form she might get a call very soon !
In choosing his best man, I understand that Sarah and John went through a
long and rigorous selection process. The person selected was to be a formidable character, Reliable and Trustworthy..… Failing that! It looks like they had to settle for me !!!! BUT John did mention If I do a good job this time, I can be Best Man at his next wedding!….…

ABOUT THE GROOM
What can I say about the groom. I've known the groom for quite some time.
He's handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic.…

Oh I'm Sorry wrong wedding!
So, what can I say about the groom! Well, he started out in this life with
nothing, he's still got most off it. I've know John for twenty ODD years, In which time we've shared lots of laughs, food and beers.

JOHN THE SCHOOL YEARS
John and I attended the same junior and senior schools but John was a year
below me.. In fact, I can't remember one instance of John and I talking in School. So, fortunately, I can't really mention too much about his school years, although I have asked around and it was said that John was the ideal pupil who excelled in most of his subjects.… Oh I'm sorry, That's should read an Idle pupil who was expelled from most of his subjects.
John and I got to know each other outside of School. He lived not too far
away, I normally saw him hanging around our local underpass, smashing up telephone boxes and causing trouble on his BMX bike.

BREAK DANCE & BMX
As well as being a very skillful BMX rider, John developed a passion for
BREAK DANCING ! I tried it myself but John was by far the most talented and the most organized. I Remember he would supply all the equipment. This included the Stereo system, the Music, a can of "Mr Sheen" polishing wax and a rather generous portion of his mums Kitchen floor! But As we all can see, all that head spinning didn't effect John one little bit..…
John has always fancied himself…………….… as a bit of a dancer !
Someone should tell him that we lose our dancing muscles at 30. I'm starting to dance like my dad. Why should John be the exception. And hopefully if his lovely wife Sarah agrees he'll demonstrate he's still can't dance later on this evening.

A TOP CARPENTER
John left school to become a carpenter. And despite what you may have
heard.… A dam good one. In fact, quite recently he fitted my parents stair case. Both parents are recovering well! And there is also, no truth to the rumor that John has to have a plumber
on stand by when he takes on a job. He doesn't have to, but it's a very
very good idea! Wouldn't you agree Sala !

JOHN FALLING OUT OF THE CAR
During the years I've always found John to be a bit little crazy at times,
especially after a few pints of lager! Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to mention the time involving the Crisp Packet, The Police, Fire Engines, Bikes, Tenerife, Ibiza and especially the back of my car…The back of his Car.… Or the back of Monty's car!

Well, there is one small anecdote I can reflect on. This incident also
includes another friend of ours Mark Montanaro, Who sadly is with us today.

About 10 years ago. John, Monty and I had gone for a little drive in my old
convertible. I think Monty and John had one too many pints. As usual. It was a fantastic summers evening, around 10 o'clock. I was driving my new vauxhall convertible which they both loved to hang out off. The roof was down. Monty had his legs strapped into the back seat belts of the car and John was a little more clever ! He was sitting firmly on the roof role bar with one foot on the top of the windscreen and almost a firm grip on the top.

Now, I was just enjoying the drive. I was happily talking to John as I
swung into his road. I glanced back to finish are conversation and he was gone. Out of the corner of my eye I could see John being propelled through the air, roughly doing about 45, I know this because I had slowed to 35 and I saw him flying past the windscreen. I pulled over and with the help of Monty, we estimated the speed, height and his relative position to
try and get a more accurate location of his whereabouts. It wasn't until
sometime later we found him moaning and groaning in the bushes. The doctors informed us there would be no permanent damage, It was lucky he landed on his head. Well, I beg to differ !

NEWS NEWS NEWS – PRESS RELEASE
Now that John has decided to take the big step I thought it appropriate to
inform the local community. So, I wrote a small notice to the local newspaper. It reads as follows:

Notice to all the Ladies of Luton and surrounding area, Former Bachelor
extraordinare John Bavister is getting married on 30th June 2001, to Miss Sarah Roberts, would those of you still retaining items of clothing or keys to his house kindly return them to the best
man at the address below. If you would like to add a message wishing him
well, please do so. I was inundated with responses, here's just a few:

S&M rubber dress! "Good luck lover boy ! This always looked better on
you !"

Leather hand cuffs! "I'm keeping the whip and your favourite snooker ball
mask!

Men "Y" fronts! "Good Luck, I'll miss you Johhny Boy. Lots of love,
Leroy"

SARAH AND JOHN MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.
OK..… For those of you who don't know John and Sarah met … If my memory
serves me correctly, at a 70’s Discotheque night club. Oooops, Oh I'm so sorry everybody I meant to say, in Steve Leaning's front room ! From that point the relationship blossomed.

John is a great friend, I'm sure he'll make the perfect husband. John is a
sensitive and caring sort. He's a man of the modern era, who's not afraid to show his emotions in public. For example:

JOHN SHOUTS FROM THE ROOF TOPS
Early one summers evening Sarah was retiring for bed. John was determined
to show Sarah how much he really did love her. As she lay in bed reading her book, she could hear what sounded like a little mouse, squeaking in the corner.. "What's that she thought".… As she approached the window she could make out a man (now husband) performing jumping jacks on top of a parking garage. Shouting at the top of his voice to the whole wide world..I LOVE YOU SARAH, I LOVE YOU SARAH. Ahhhhhhh..… Well isn't that sweet and very romantic..

Of course, John was completely stark naked at the time! Wedding tackle in
full view!

Soon after that they had to move house. Sarah at number 23 got the wrong
idea and wouldn't leave John alone. Which does surprises me because I've seen him naked and well, frankly – not very impressive ! Moving on…

OFFER FOOTBALL ADVICE
As best man I'm told that I have to offer a small piece of advice to John
and he'll be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be easily compared to his great passion of football. Be fully committed every week, make sure you score every Saturday and change ends at half time. Sarah has also assured me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is certainly the quickest way onto the transfer market.

SARAH'S SPECIAL THANKS
Sarah has asked me to say a few words on her behalf. Sarah has worked very
hard organizing the wedding arrangements, catering, location etc. As well as thanking the bridesmaids, ushers etc she would like to thank Caroline, Cathy, Lisa, Jane and Clair for all the support they have given during this frantic time.

OK. I'd also like to thank Mr and Mrs Malcolm Roberts on behalf of everybody for inviting us all here today for this very special day.

MESSAGES
Before I sit down which is the highlight of my speech. I'd like to read a
couple of telegrams hot of the press.

MY SINCERE NOTE
On a sincere note I would like to thank John and Sarah for always standing
by me especially in the last couple of years. And thanks again to John for asking me to be best man. I have lived away from England for 11 years now. I am proud of the friendship John and I have sustained during this time. There has been many great times between us, some, not so great times – there's one memorable incident involving eight pints of cider and a rolling pin! I won't go into that ! But I'm very proud to be standing
here next to my mate on a day like this. The other reason I'm rather happy about today. John and I made a small wager almost ten years ago. Who would get married first ! Looks like i'm 100 quid up but John's the real winner today.

TOASTS
Ladies and gentleman, it gives me the great pleasure to invite you all to
stand, raise your glasses in a toast to John and Sarah, the new Mr and Mrs Bavister. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage. To John and Sarah.

Right ! I'm off now to ring the queen mother !