Speech by Robert Sorrentino

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robert Sorrentino
Speech Date: 06/09/2011 17:10:59

Ladies, gentlemen, friends and freeloaders. It's been a fantastic day so far. The venue is spectacular, the ceremony was very special and everyone looks lovely. Unfortunately, every silver lining has a cloud, and today that comes in the form of me. 

For those of you who don't know me, my name is ***** and for those of you that do … well I apologise.

I would like to start by complimenting the bride on how amazing she looks this evening.

As for *****, well what can I say, we tried our best.

It is a great privilege to be asked by ***** to be his best man. He has quite generously returned the favour that I asked of him 6 years ago, during which ***** took the opportunity to make lots of cheap jokes at my expense, so I now have the right to reply.

 But Before beginning I'd like to provide two disclaimers:

1. My speech does NOT contain any original material – so if anyone is offended, it has NOTHING to do with me! 2. Should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the chairs and tables at the end of my speech to give me a standing ovation, I can in NO way be held responsible for your actions! 

Now – As part of the speech I am apparently supposed to sing *****praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, to be honest I'm not a great liar, and I'm definitely no Sinatra. I did have a few cracking stories to share with you. mostly show and tell stuff, but the props were confiscated by customs and what follows are the remaining few that got past ****

Where do we start?…

Well XXXX and I have been friends since secondary school, both sharing a love of 3 things:

1)      Music. Though worryingly I seem to recall that we both heavily into George Michael & Erasure at them. Well we're now both married with kids, so now damage there then.

2)      Football, As you all know Bryan was fair footballer in his time and I was fortunate enough to share the front line with him in our school days. But we can get to his illustrious football career a little later on.

And Finally the LADIES… Don't worry XXX. I will of course keep to the best man's charter and steer well clear of ex girlfriends and past liaisons.  My recollection is of XXX and mines first pulling technique. We could only have been 15 at the time.

At the end of the day we would leave our top notch school, Kingsmead on the Southbury road,  (Not quite Eton, but I believe we both can read).

We would take the 307 bus the opposite way from our houses and head towards Enfield Town on the prowl.

There we would identify suitable young ladies and scream at the top of voices, in a micheal Jackson style voice by the way, We can make it baby you and me, hee hee.

I assure you it never failed, though interestingly **** didn't use this line when he 1st meet **** and perhaps that why I'm standing here today.

Upon leaving School **** Embarked and what he hoped would be great and Illustrious career in banking. Though he eventually had to leave by mutual consent a during our party phase, **** thought working on Monday was optional after a heavy weekend. Clearly Natwest begged to differ.

But hey ho, xxxx now uses god given gift of the gab and works in sales. But to be perfectly honest I haven't got a Scooby what he actually sells and upon asking most if his family and friends nobody else has any idea either. But the best I've heard it described as is Cillit Bang for Sheep. Sorry xxxx I did promise. I wouldn't bring Sheep into this speech.

And that conclude my summary xxxx honourable career in commerce now to Football.

At this point I must mention I asked xxxx parents Pete and Hilary for some brief highlights of xxxx foot balling career and I was amazed with the amount of material that came back, it was enough to fill 3 speeches.

But here goes… xxxx Began his career at Enfield FC youth team and played in all sections up to the senior level. During that time he had trails for professional sides notably Bournemouth, Brentford and Charlton. Though xxxx never went professional it didn't damper his love for the game and he went on to play for Hertford, Northwood, Wembley, Wealdstone, Hayes, Chesham, Slough, Hemel Hempstead, Aveley (COMEDY PAUSE FOR BREATH) and finally Enfield Town.

I am informed by the many friend's that xxxx he has made during his football career that he scored a lot aswell, GOAL's of course.

What else can I say about my best my mate xxxx, well some of you may not know that within our inner cycle of friend's his nickname is ME ME ME MEEE (to sound tune of William tell overture). An unusual nickname I agree but no less fitting all the same.

Let give you a few examples of how this name arose.

A few years back xxx had a cosy little bachelor pad in Waltham Abbey. He was so pleased with it he never wanted to leave it.

Thus every boys night out regardless of location, Charlie Chans (god rest it's sole) or upwest as they say in Eastenders xxxx would have arrange the meeting at his flat after his football, (me me me mee)

A boys outing to Bournemouth for the weekend has been arranged, where are we meeting? Well though it's not quite central for everybody and somebody else has hired the mini bus, xxxx arranged it at his flat because it's slightly near the motorway then any body else's (me me me mee)

We're all going a lad's holiday.  Which airport are we going from? It dosen't matter because we meeting a xxxx (me me me mee)

By now you've get the message and I assumed that nickname was only used by his inner circle until xxxx told me about his proposal to xxx.

It of course took month's of meticulous planning (As anyone who has proposed knows how nerve racking it can be). Thus xxx established that great timing would have to be the key factor. What about Christmas? Or Valentines day? No much to obvious and romantic for our xxx. I know I'll do on my own birthday, what a great present that will be! ME ME ME MEEE!!!!!

And now as I'm sure you will all be pleased to hear, In conclusion –

I've spent the last month worrying about this speech but the point of it only came to me yesterday and that is : Nobody else could possibly stand where I am right now and feel more proud and honoured than me to be able to represent xxxx on this the most important day of his life.

It is now customary for best man to impart a few pearls of wisdom to the happy couple and as being husband of the year for the last 7 years I am of course happy to oblige.

xxx, remember that men are like fine wine.. they start off as grapes, And it's your job to relentlessly stamp on them until they turn in something you would like to have dinner with.

xxxx, women are also like fine wine. They start out fresh and intoxicating to the mind, turn full bodies with age and finally become all sour and vinergary…

But seriously, after seeing both of your parent's I can tell marriage is really like wine, it gets better with age.

Well if my throat was dry when I started this speech, It's even drier now and I can think of no better remedy than to drink to health, wealth and eternal happiness of the newlyweds. So, please be upstanding and raise your glasses and join me as we drink a toast to the bride and groom. To xxxx and xxx also know as Mr & Mrs xxx.