Speech by Robert Watts

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robert Watts
Speech Date: sep 2003
A wise man once said that that the best mans speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love…..… so thank you ladies and gentlemen and good afternoon.

Before I start embarrassing Simon I'd like to thank everyone for making such an effort in their appearance today, especially the Bridesmaides who look lovely, and of course Linzi, who I'm sure everyone agrees looks stunning.

It's been said that being best man is like making love to the Queen, it's a great honour, but no one wants to do it. Saying that though knowing my recent track record it's starting to seem quite appealing

Firstly I'd like to thank Simon for asking me to be his best man today and secondly I'd like to thank Linzi for letting him ask me. I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Simon the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. – Which to be fair is only what he gives Linzi every-time they go to bed

I've only known Linzi for about a year and a half but I've been more or less best mates with Simon for 25 years now, and as you can imagine I've seen some right dodgy haircuts and some nightmare moustaches… and Simon's no better either!.

It's obviously very nerve racking to be a best man so I checked on the internet what my duties are and I found a few pointers:-

Organise the stag weekend, I'm sure that everyone who attended our trip to Manchester will agree that it was a brilliant weekend, and here is the point where I'm supposed to tell stories about things that happened there, but Simons Solicitor hasn't finished questioning all the witnesses yet and has advised me that it may go against him in court if I mention anything here today!!

Ensure the groom has a good nights sleep the night before the wedding, I can assure you he slept like a baby, he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying for his mother
and finally

ensure that all ex girlfriends are kept away. I though at first that this might be a bit tricky, but then I remembered that last years foot and mouth epidemic had wiped them all out anyway.

Obviously one of the main duties of the best man is the speech. I've spent many a sleepless afternoon in work worrying about this, so I thought I'd better prepare a few lines for myself this morning, and after snorting them, I feel a million times better… (delete that from the video)

I'm sure if you all have a good look at Simon today at 28 years old it's not hard to believe he was an ugly baby. In fact if I'm correct Susan didn't start morning sickness until after he was born. From a very early age we only lived a few doors away from each other so not only did we become great friends we also became great rivals, and obviously I always came out on top!! I was always better than him at football, I always made sure I had at least 1 pence more than him to buy sweets down the shop, I was always a year older, an inch taller, and a size bigger in shoes and I'm sure if we'd measured anything else mine would be been bigger as well. It's fair to say that over the years he has overtaken me in some of them, but obviously not all!!

We had some right laughs as kids, and looking back how can I ever forget the time that Toshack the dog almost bit his hand off over Hafod Park.. a classic, or the time when we were playing on our BMX's down the Cwm and he fell flying over his handlebars and smashed his face up, in fact I think he's still got scars on his face to mark the memorable occasion, what can I say… quality. They are the type of memories you can relive again and again and every time I think of them they still make me laugh even after all these years.

We've remained big mates all through growing up, from being kids through to becoming adults and I'm sure that no-one who was there will ever forget our first lads holiday abroad in Tenerife in 1993, not so much for the actual holiday but for the famous snoring incident. What a classic. If any of you have ever shared a room with Simon, (and Linzi you have got my deepest sympathies about this), you'll know that he holds the record for the worlds loudest snorer. There were five of us in Tenerife at the time, and as you know with a boys holiday abroad there tends to be a few late nights or more like early mornings. Well we are all down by our pool one day, and we were all feeling a bit knackered, but only Simon actually fell asleep. We were all laying there sunbathing and a really loud drilling noise started, then it got louder and louder until I realised that there is only one thing that could make that kind of noise.. Simon Lewis snoring. Try and picture him now, there he was stretched out on his back with his gob wide open, I'm not joking now you really had to be there to believe it. And as luck would have it, the pool was jam packed at the time, and everyone thought it was hysterical, everyone was gathered around him in a big circle listening to him in disbelief, they had never known anything like it. The hotel staff even started calling people in off the street to listen to him it was that funny. They still talk about the famous Welsh snorer to this day, 9 years later

While I remember as well, I've got a few telegrams to read out

To Linzi, we could have been good together. If the rumours about Simon being gay are true call me, that one is from David Beckham

To Simon, we could have been good together, if things don't work out call me, that one is from George Michael

To Simon, have a great day you're my number one fan from Neil Diamond (Sorry it says my one fan)

This one is from all at Cwmfelin Press football team. We've found Lewie to be useless in every position, so Linzi, I hope you have better luck!

And the last one is to Simon from all at Studio 95 – we hope you have a great day – PS we have received your annual subscription cheque – with thanks

I'm sure everyone will agree that today has gone brilliantly so far, the church service went really well. In fact I thought it was quite emotional, so much so even the cake was in tears.. (come on I'm trying my best). And now as the old saying goes they are getting married for better or for worse, which is quite fitting really seeing that Simon could never do any better and Linzi couldn't do any worse.

I know I've ripped into Simon a bit during this speech and he'll probably never forgive me, but I'd just to thank him for being such a great mate over the years and to say how much I appreciate him asking me to be his best man, it really is a great honour and a privilege to be standing here today, and I'd really like to wish him and Linzi every success in their marriage

I'm sure you'll all be delighted to hear that my speech is coming to an end but before the toast I would like to read this announcement from the Treetops management ‘Could you please refrain from jumping on the tables during the standing ovation at the end of the best mans speech. Thank you’

All that's left to say is could every one be upstanding and raise their glasses in a toast for the happy couple, The Br