Speech by ROBERT WRIGHT

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: ROBERT WRIGHT
Speech Date: oct 2004
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GOOD AFTERNOON, I'M THE BEST LOOKING MAN ….… I MEAN BEST MAN, AND I AM THE PROUD IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER OF IAN THE …..SECOND BEST LOOKING MAN..…

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO THE WEDDING OF IAN & JOANNA. I'D ALSO LIKE TO THANK STEVE FOR GIVING THE BEAUTIFUL BRIDE AWAY, THE WONDERFUL BRIDESMAID AND THE 2 HANDSOME USHERS. FINALLY I'D LIKE TO THANK MY MUM ON BEHALF OF IAN FOR CREATING THE WONDERFUL FLOWERS FOR THIS SPECIAL OCCASION.

TO AID THE SPEECH, I PURCHASED A BOOK, EXHIBIT A, THE BEST MANS ORGANISER, AND AS YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL I HAVE NOT READ IT YET, APART FROM PAGE 16 AND I QUOTE, " MAINTAINING A CLEAR HEAD DURING THE WEDDING CELEBRATIONS IS VITAL FOR THE BEST MAN. YOU SHOULD REMAIN SOBER. " (THROW BOOK AWAY)…..… DRINK BEER……

WHERE SHALL I START, WELL IAN WAS BORN FIRST ON THE 24TH OCTOBER 1972 THE LESS ATTRACTIVE OF A TWIN. DURING THAT YEAR THE POCKET CALCULATOR WAS INVENTED & GERMANY WON THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS.

AS YOU CAN IMAGINE GROWING UP AS TWINS IAN AND I WHERE REALLY REALLY REALLY CLOSE….… CLOSE TO KILLING EACH OTHER. AT AGED 2 IAN DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO LEAVE HOME AND HEAD OFF TO THE BIG SMOKE… SO WE BOTH GOT DRESSED (1 SOCK FOR ME & A WELLY FOR IAN) CLIMBED DOWN THE DRAIN PIPE AND FOUND OUR WAY HALF WAY DOWN THE M58 MOTORWAY ONLY TO BE MET BY A POLICEMAN. AT AGE 3 IAN AND I DECIDED TO BECOME ARTISTS AND DECORATED OUR ROOM IN A LOVELY SHADE OF BROWN, DON'T KNOW WHERE WE GOT THE PAINT FROM BUT IT DIDN'T SMELL VERY NICE.

IN OUR TEENAGE YEARS WE DISCOVERED CIDER, BEER, MAD DOG 20-20 AND GIRLS. IAN NEVER LET ME NEAR HIS GIRLFRIENDS EXCEPT FOR ONE. I” TELL THIS STORY IN STEPS …

STEP 1. IAN GOES TO DISCO.

STEP 2.IAN GETS VERY DRUNK AND MEETS A GIRL.

STEP 3.NEXT DAY IAN CAN'T REMEMBER.

STEP 4. IAN MEETS HIS BLIND DATE.

STEP 5. 3 FOOT 6 AND REALLY UGLY.

STEP 6 ….AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ROB …… PRETEND YOUR ME.

THANKFULLY IAN'S TASTE FOR WOMAN HAS CHANGED AND HE HAS FOUND A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN JOANNA WHO I'M SURE YOU WILL AGREE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL TODAY.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME JOANNA TO THE FAMILY. I'LL BE HAPPY TO CALL HER MY SISTER IN LAW AND SHARE ANY FUNNY STORIES ABOUT IAN.

AND FINALLY, WHILST RESEARCHING THIS SPEECH (YES IT WAS PREPARED!!!) I ASKED SOME OF THE COUPLES I KNOW FOR ADVICE FOR IAN & JOANNA ON HAVING A HAPPY LIFE TOGETHER, AND THESE ARE THE TOP FIVE READABLE REPLIES.

1. REMEMBER MARRIAGE IS NOT A WORD, IT'S A SENTENCE. YOU GET LESS FOR MURDER.

2. ALSO REMEMBER THE FOUR RINGS: THE ENGAGEMENT RING, THE WEDDING RING, THE SUFFERING, AND THE ENDURING.

3. THERE ARE TWO SECRETS TO A LONG LASTING HAPPY MARRIAGE, A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR AND A SHORT MEMORY.

4. ALWAYS TELL YOUR WIFE THOSE 3 IMPORTANT LITTLE WORD'S … "YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR".

5. AND FINALLY ALWAYS TRY TO HELP WITH THE CLEANING..… PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN SHE IS DOING THE HOOVERING.

WITH THAT, WOULD YOU ALL TO STAND AND RAISE YOU'RE GLASSES TO IAN & JOANNA, THE BRIDE AND GROOM.