Speech by Robin Gaskell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robin Gaskell
Speech Date: Aug2004
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Robin, and I am Wayne & Clares best man for today.
Before I begin, I have been asked by the manager of hoghton tower if we would ensure that all the fire exits are kept clear at all times.
There are medical staff outside the building, and we need to give them a clear run when Wayne receives the final bill.
It will take more than morphine and laughing gas to open that wallet.

I'd like to congratulate Clare for being such a beautiful bride, thank the bridesmaids – Louise and Emma for performing their roles so well and continuing to look so good throughout the day and the usher – Paul for at least turning up sober.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing the special day. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home so things would have been much easier for me.
First of all, I want to say a little bit about being the best man The title"best man" says a bit too much… The way I see it, if I am the best man, what the hell is Clare doing with Wayne? So, I think I will be happy just saying that I'm a pretty good man, .… And Wayne can be the best man tonight.

I read a book that stated that there are three key elements to a successful wedding day. They are as follows:
The Aisle – The longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – The place where two become one.
The Hymn – The celebration of the marriage.

I think Clare must have read the same book, because after taking the vows earlier today, I'm pretty sure I heard her mumbling those same three things. Aisle Altar Hymn.… ….Aisle Altar Hymn……

I've already congratulated the Groom. I said to him Wayne; you'll always look back on this as the happiest day of your life. However, that was 8 weeks ago on his stag night. A special mention must go out to the NHS who gave me the all clear from alcohol poisioning on my return from Estonia.
What can I say about the bride, Clare as we all suspected, you've done us proud, you look fantastic, and Wayne, as we all suspected, you look like third prize in a raffle.
Isnt it true that opposites attract?!

Well what can I tell you about Wayne.
Well, 18th June 1972 was the date that this man was born.
He was very nearly called Tuesday, because Bill took one look at him and said to Jean "right that's it, let's call it a day".

I have known Wayne since he was 20, so I had to rely on his own account of himself up until then. Therefore Wayne was popular, intelligent, a good laugh, great at sports and a bit of a hit with the girls. This however contradicts an account from an old school friend who said Wayne was stupid, with little sporting ability and no mates.
I have been advised not to talk about Wayne's ex girlfriends, however this is not a problem, as after the foot & mouth outbreak it would seem that most have been quarantined or shot.

The first time I met Wayne was at Sheffield Poly in 1991, he was 20, had a mop of hair and looked like swampy.Looking at him now he must have been at least 24-25 ish. We were both the last students on the first days lecture and from that moment on we clicked straight away.
Living with Wayne was always a challenge, eating his awful sausage casseroles and having to go out with him on the pull wearing pheromones, followed by a pack of stray dogs. We constantly played practical jokes on each other but he didn't find it funny when he was ill after we surgically inserted some cockles into his jam doughnut! At times it got dangerous as Wayne decided to clear the cellar out and burn the boxes in the garden, next to the kitchen window, scorching the wall and nearly setting fire to the house.
While we were at Sheffield I first met Clare on a very cold November evening. My initial thoughts were that she had the patience of a saint as one evening we all went out and Wayne being the honourable gentleman paid for Clare's cab and offered to walk back to the house with me. However being drunk we decided to run through all the fountains in Sheffield then challenged each other to swim across a duck pond on the way home and turned up at the house a long time later shivering uncontrollably. Clare offered to run the bath and we both sat in it fully clothed and defrosted for a while. She has been looking after him ever since!
Wayne has many passions in life, semi professional paintballing,reading,wine drinking and cooking! But most of all it has to be driving cars that thrills him the most. Wayne first car was the "chocolate hornet", and awful brown Datsun Cherry that he drove around Sheffield in. Wayne offered us lifts all the time, but most of the time we declined and said that we'd rather walk than be seen in it. However this was replaced by the legendary 2 hour car. The Vauxhall cavalier. I went with Wayne to pick up his new pride and joy and we set off back to Wigan for the weekend. No sooner than he had got home, someone smashed into the back of it and wrote it off. Wayne rang me distraught. Although my reply of "how are we going to get back to Sheffield" went down like a lead balloon. I would say he saw the funny side of it later, but I don't think he ever did!

Moving onto some cards
Dear Wayne, Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I just hope you've made the right choice. Take Care. Michael Barrymore

To Clare. From Wrexham rugby club. Wayne once came to us for a trial. We tried him in every position and he was bloody useless.… Now it's your turn.

Clare you have been a great friend, not only to me, but to Natalie as well, you deserve a good husband, unfortunately Wayne slipped in there before you got the chance to meet one. Only joking..

Wayne and Clare, you're so happy together that you need little advice from me on your married life together. But just bear in mind that people and their perspectives can change after marriage. After all, they do say that when a man holds a woman's hand before they are married, it's because of love – but once they are married, it's simply self-defence.

To love, laughter and happy ever after, Ladies and Gentlemen, Please be upstanding and join me in a toast to… Wayne & Clare, The Grattons!