Speech by Robin Hackshall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Robin Hackshall
Speech Date: 14/09/2013 15:15:19

[Memorise]

Well Bill, I hope you made the most of your speech. Now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to speak for 5 minutes without being interrupted.

[Separate card]

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today….  Oh bugger, I must have picked up someone else's notes!

Ah, this looks more like it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you are all enjoying what has been a brilliant wedding celebration.

For those of you that don't know me I am Robin, Bill's obese, sorry older brother.

I'd like to thank all of you for being here today, especially those of you who knew that I'd be saying a few words – it's very touching that you still decided to come.

When I told Bill I had finished my speech for today, I immediately had a call from Nathalie saying she would like to proof read it. I thought, fair enough. Here is the final version. [New card]

To the Bride and Groom. [Sit down]

In all seriousness, I know this day means so much to everyone involved, and I know Bill and Nathalie are delighted that you are all here to share their special day.

I'm not really a fan of public speaking, but I'm told it's like going to a nudist beach. It's only hard for the first couple of minutes!

Now I'd like to lay down a couple of ground rules. Firstly, no heckling please.  Secondly, the venue manager spoke to me earlier to request that for health and safety reasons, none of you are to get up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

In preparation for this speech I was reminded about the ABC & XYZ of public speaking. ABC- Always Be Confident, hopefully that won't be a problem, and XYZ – Examine Your Zip! [Turn around and check flies before giving a thumb's up]

I have spent the last six months worrying about this speech but the point of it only came to me yesterday and that is:

Nobody else could possibly stand where I am right now and feel more proud and honoured to be able to represent Bill on this, the most important day of his life.

It's great to be involved in the happiest day of Bill's life, as he was involved in mine. That's right, six years ago he was there, stood by my side, when I successfully installed my flat screen TV.

I'd like to thank Bill on behalf of our bridesmaids, for his kind words. Can I also say what a great job they have done today and how wonderful they look.

They really do look smashing and are only rightly outshone by our bride, Nathalie, who looks truly radiant.

Bill, you don't look too bad yourself, although, I am a little disappointed that you've copied my outfit.

On behalf of the bridesmaids and myself, I'd like to thank Bill and Nathalie for asking us to be involved in the most important day of their lives. I know they've both put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding, especially Nathalie, and I can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything else will have exceeded their expectations.

Nathalie, I can only say in my defence, that Bill and I share a common sense of humour, so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Bill.”

I have been asked to thank you all for coming and the gifts that you have so generously donated. I must say I struggled to decide what to get. I wanted to give Bill something he genuinely needed. The trouble is, it is such a struggle to figure out how to wrap a bath!

Having accepted the role of Best Man, I'm pretty happy with the way things have gone today. From a Best Man's perspective, everything has gone smoothly.

For starters, I got Bill to the venue on time. He also arrived sober, and most importantly in this time of economic uncertainty, I successfully resisted the urge to post the wedding rings to Cash for Gold and do a runner.

Well done me!

I'd also like to take a minute to thank the Wasing Park, without whom this wedding would never have been possible. I can honestly say that Bill and Nathalie will be in your debt forever.

And at £5 a pint, I think most of us will be too!

I first met Bill almost 32 years ago when I can only assume that my Mum and Dad were that disappointed with their first attempt that they decided to try again!

It is impossible to summarise Bill's life, but I would have to say that over those years, he has been the best anyone could hope for in a brother. Admittedly as he's my only brother, so it is not the greatest survey ever done. But in my limited experience of brothers, I'd have to say he's pretty much as good as they come.

But Bill's not only my brother, he is also my best friend and I've always been able to go to him for whatever I've needed.

As my brother and my best friend there's nothing I wouldn't do for Bill, likewise I know there's nothing Bill wouldn't do for me.

In fact, we spend most of our time doing nothing for each other.

Like most brothers we've always had our fair share of sibling rivalry. We always used to try to beat each other up, always tried to get each other into trouble – we've certainly had our fair share of ups and downs.

I remember back to times when a petty argument would arise from nowhere. Bill would call me smelly, and I'd call him stupid and then it would spiral out of all proportion and we'd each end up running home in tears.

But sure enough, the next day, Bill would drop an email from work and we'd make up.

When Bill was Best Man at my wedding to Suzie, Bill noted that it wasn't easy growing up in the footsteps of an older brother and that our healthy competition has spurred us on to greater heights.

I must echo those sentiments here and state that Bill needs to take significant recognition for our successes playing football for Berry Boys, cricket for Basildon and during out ten-pin bowling days as without him pushing me every step of the way, we would not have been as successful as we were.

Playing cricket was always fun outside our house in Hoover Drive, although Bill's bowling did once result in me having a nose bleed. No, Bill didn't steam in with a 90 mph delivery that reared up off a length to hit me in the face. It was a wayward underarm lob that slid down the leg-side while I was keeping wicket. I moved swiftly to my left to take the wide delivery, only to be hit across my nose by my Dad who was batting.

The moral of this story is that Bill is not a bowler, and my Dad is not a batsman. 

This was not the only incident from our childhood which resulted in physical injury, blood and trips to A&E.

There was one occasion where Bill, in a daredevil moment, leapt from the top bunk one morning before school onto some mattresses and bedding below (I think some friends had stayed over). Unfortunately Bill bounced backwards, only to cut his head open on the metal bed frame. And I don't think Bill, or my Mum, will ever forget the time I shut his finger in car door of my Mum's Mini.

It may surprise you to hear that as a child Bill was really into the Hokey Cokey. Luckily he has managed to turn himself around, and that's what it all about.

After hours rummaging through my Mum's loft, I have managed to find some of Bill's old school reports and have obtained comments from his work colleagues and I think they all tell a story:

* Form Tutor's comment – Bill was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’. Sorry that should be, Bill was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects’.

* Geography – Bill is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.

* Biology – whilst Bill is often very enthusiastic, he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.

* Religious Education – Bill's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

* PE – Bill isn't too bad at football, although there are two things holding him back… his left foot and his right foot.

* Languages – Bill misunderstood what was required in his French oral exam. Kissing Mr Smith was a mistake but still got him 9 out of 10.               

Bill's work colleagues describe him as a first class banker, although I may have misheard them.

Some other words that you could use to describe Bill are charming, intelligent, and entertaining, but nobody said those so I won't use them.

Now, by disclosing everything Bill has done I would only be implicating myself and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation! Although I will mention a couple of things, as I was not involved.

Firstly, there was the time an Alan Shearer cardboard cut-out mysteriously disappeared from McDonalds and made its way back to our house. Bill later met Alan Shearer, but failed to mention this, or the fact that he had once supported Blackburn Rovers during the mid-1990’s when they won the Premier League. Or, that he is now a Spurs fan.

While on the subject, Bill you should know that married life can often be compared to football. You should be fully committed every week and make sure you score every weekend.

Be sure you change ends at half time and don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.

However, Nathalie assures me that playing away from home, will result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way to get on the transfer list.

Secondly, while Nathalie was having her Hen do in London, Bill, Perry and I took Lilly to Peter Pan's Playground. I know it is now called Adventure Island, but some things just shouldn't be changed, I cite Opal Fruits and Marathon's as prime examples. Anyway, Lilly wanted to go on the bumper cars with her Uncle Billy. Of course Bill said yes. The only trouble is we don't know if Lilly chose to go with Bill because she thought he would be the best driver, or if it was because he has had the most crashes. I'm not sure who she has been speaking to, but they must have mentioned the time Bill owned an MGF and was involved in three accidents in the space of about 4-6 weeks.

Maybe an omen of what was to come came in Bill's first driving lesson.

Bill and I had won an adult and junior bowling competition and part of the prize was a holiday at the Haven caravan park in Mablethorpe.

I had just got into university so my Mum and I had to go into Lincoln for the day to go and sort out accommodation and some other things.

While we were away, Perry gave Bill a driving lesson round the caravan park.

Apparently it all went well, apart from the fact that Bill didn't stop at any junctions.

Regrettably, Bill failed his first driving test. He only got four minors, but the two majors meant a second test was needed.

Luckily he passed on his fourth attempt.

As Bill's brother, I was always going to be in contention for the role of Best Man but I was still extremely proud to be asked and I hope that I have done the role justice.

One of my main duties as Best Man was to organise the stag do. 

Another one of my duties is to not mention the stag do – as the saying goes, ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’. Luckily we went to Amsterdam.

For those of you that don't know, Amsterdam is full of historical buildings, museums, canals and culture. I think that I will have to go back as I don't recall seeing any of that, well, maybe a canal.

As for what happened, for now my lips are sealed, unlike many of those who live and work in Amsterdam. All I will say (now) is that it was a very eye opening experience and that a good time was had by all.

Buying me a drink or two at the bar later may help to loosen my vocal chords. Alternatively, those who attended may want to buy my silence and copies of the photographic evidence.

A further duty of a best man is, to help make sure that the wedding goes smoothly. This is why I'm carrying a pocket wedding guide book. [Show guests a small notebook] In this book, it mentions three significant parts of today's service. I'd like to share these with you. [Read what's in the book]

* The aisle – the longest walk you'll ever take.

* The alter – the place were two become one.

* The hymn – the song which celebrate the marriage

I think Nathalie must have been reading the same book, because when she was walking down the aisle, I'm sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle, Alter, Hymn. I'll alter him.

Struggling for inspiration on what advice I could give the happy couple, I turned to my wife Suzie and asked “as a couple who have been married for six years, what advice would you give to Bill and Nathalie?” Without hesitation she replied “Don't get married!”  And I thought I was the model husband.

I of course had to turn to the Internet for some small nuggets of advice and found the following:

* Somebody once said marriage is a 50/50 partnership – but anybody who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.

* A happy marriage is a relationship, where one person will always be right, and the other is the husband.

* Here's something that every couple should remember. The moral to having a successful relationship, is that one good turn… will get all the duvet.

I'd like to ask the Bride and Groom to participate now, don't worry it's not the upper hand gag. Bill and Nathalie, can you stand and face each other, link hands and gaze into each other's eyes. (Don't they look happy?) Now, as you both know, one of my previous jobs was as a Crime Intelligence Analyst and I just want to make you aware, that statistically, you are now looking into the eyes of the person most likely to murder you! Hopefully it will never happen.

[You can sit down now]

But I have to say how lucky you are Bill because you will leave here today having gained a wife that is attractive, smart, loving and caring.

And, Nathalie how lucky you are, you leave today having gained [PAUSE – look at Bill] a new dress and a bouquet of flowers.

Nathalie, it is a pleasure to be able to welcome you to the Hackshall family.

Before I finish I do have a short notice that Bill has asked me to read. [New card from pocket]

For Sale – a complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.

Excellent Condition.

£500 ONO.

No longer needed.

Just Married.

Wife knows everything.

A thought we should all perhaps bear in mind is that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with; it's about finding someone you can't live without.

SO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE UPSTANDING

RAISE YOUR GLASSES

TO LOVE

TO LAUGHTER

TO A HAPPY EVER AFTER

I GIVE YOU THE NEW MR AND MRS HACKSHALL

BILL AND NATHALIE