Speech by Rodger Kennedy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rodger Kennedy
Speech Date: May2005
Hi my name is Rodger and I'm an alcoholic. Ooops, sorry that's Wednesday nights! I haven't felt this nervous since last time I went to the VD clinic, I prepared a few lines and now I have snorted them I feel fine.

The key to a great best man speech, is not to drink to much, swear or offend anyone. I say bollocks to that lets get smashed and have a laugh with this. After all Ross this is a one off!

Thank you Ross for those kind words about the bridesmaids, personally though I would have gone further……Probably all the way. I would like to say Lynne Nicky Lorraine Lisa are the most beautiful Bridesmaids I have ever seen. Absolutely stunning!! I will enjoy dancing with you all later on my room number is 201.

Of course I mustn't forget the star of the show, Shirley, she looks absolutely stunning. You truly are beautiful. Room number 201.

Ross you are a lucky boy.

Actually, it was good to hear Ross getting in a few words of his own there..… It'll be his last for a very long time!

Now before I go on to completely slander Ross's character as is traditional, I'd just like to first thank Jon for lending me a book which had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’, which I brought with me today. I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:

"1. Bring a credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten" – which knowing Ross will be all of them, so I've got about £15,000 in a suitcase.
"2. Help the groom dress" – thanks, but no…if he hasn't learned by now…
"3. Ensure that the groom:
uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put his face or his hair in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
that his trouser fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps his mum should have been best man.
"4. See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay" – Thanks to mad cow disease and foot & mouth, none of them could make it here today.
"5. Bring a zip-up bag with the following items for emergencies:
aspirin, antacid, deodorant, aftershave, valium (Ross and I have done most of these already)

"6. Make a speech to the bride and groom."
Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 100 people. Still, must press on…
"7. The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems."
As you can see, Ross's obviously an appalling judge of character. So lets crack on…
Ross asked me to be his best man around 14 years ago. I checked my diary and said fine. I've hope you're sitting comfortably as I've been writing the speech ever since.

I remember the day vividly, a sunny Scottish summers day, we'd been playing pool down Laureston Farm a local family restaurant where some of the girls in the year below worked, In those days 14 year olds were deemed fair game.

It had been another day where I had laughed so much I could feel the tears running down my legs! Ross and I had become a double act and we had been entertaining these girls all day. We had got to know each other so well that we were able to finish each other sentences we could even guess what the other one was thinking. ……………..Any idea Ross?

Anyway as we walked up the road Ross mused at how all the girls fancied him…….… It was this total disregard for reality that I loved so much about the man.

We both agreed on that day that we would serve as each others best men and be best friends till the end. And this is the reason I stand before you today, privileged and honoured, to be delivering on a promise made so many years ago.

Before I go slating Ross I'd just like to give you some idea of the love and respect I have for the guy and what makes us such strong friends. I say some idea as I could talk all day without your true understanding. See Ross and I are ‘incomprehendible’ friends. A term Ross and I found to describe our friendship on that very day we pledged our best man duties. It took about ten years before I attempted to get the word ‘incomprehendible’ engraved on a friendship bracelet I bought Ross as a joke present one Christmas and found out that the word didn't exist. Apparently it should be incomprehensible but somehow it doesn't sound as good. Quite what I was doing buying Ross a braclet I don't know, see Ross and I are very very close but not that close for I, unlike Ross, have never experimented in that way.

I'm only kidding….honestly!

We have grown up more like brothers and I have always looked up to Ross, especially at the weekends when he likes to wear high heels! Cheep gag, but effective.

Ross has been there fore me every step of the way, such a true friend I could trust him with my life and would give my life to save his as I owe him for making so many of the good bits in my life possible. See Ross is one of these very rare people who is able to turn everything he touches into gold, he has mad be shine, made bright made me rich, made me a heavyweight element rich in purity and ever so often he has made me hard. And long.… may it continue.
When I look around this room I see many bright and valuable friends who have also been touched by Ross, in one way or other.

What's mine is his but more importantly what's his is mine……Sorry Shirley but that's how it works.

That's the trouble with being a best man at a wedding, you never get a chance to prove it.

So Ross Smith, Rosco Smythers, Rosco peeko train, Smithy, Wanker, and many other names including Bacon Boy. That day is finally here eh?!?!

What can I tell you about Ross…

Well starting from the beginning, Ross was born at a very early age at Perth Royal Infirmary on the 12th October 1977, apparently he came prematurely….Nothing new there Shirley!! I'm not saying he was ugly but his mum told me they had to put a bone around his neck so the dog would play with him. His poor mum didn't get morning sickness until after the birth.

Ross went to Crammond primary school. His mother kindly furnished me with a report card: Mrs Bradey wrote and I quote…’I am convinced that Ross will go far and sooner he's far away from us the better. Ross then went to Royal High where Dr Murray wrote on his first senior year report card: Ugly little chap but he would mix better with the other kids if he wore long trousers. Not sure what that means?

Ross grew up to be the strapping lad he is today and this is a photo of us the day we left school. On our leaving ceremony it was traditional that every pupil would have their name called out and walk one by one through the grand old school door symbolic of your entrance into the real world. The entire year was called out alphabetically though strangely Ross and I were the first and second pupils to leave through that door that day. I was never a scholar for English but something didn't fit. I think Dr Murray probably thought, get the trouble maker and the ugly one out first perhaps I don't know.

Ross was always a keen sportsman- Our one and only snowboarding holiday – Ross picked it up in seconds as if he had been boarding all his life. That cavalier attitude had him a torn ligament in his knee before the end of the first day. Ross then went straight down the boozer, aptly named the fish tank and made friends with all the other injured skiers and boarders. It was a sight to behold, the rest of us would turn up at 5 after the last lift had closed and Ross would be annihilated, limping around the bar with a massive smile on is face as he sat with his new mates in wheel chairs and neck braces. (had to get that wheelchair joke in somewhere Ross)

Having had this 6 hour head start Ross would still be able to drink me under the table. In fact that night my life was literally saved as I was found lying unconscious in a T shirt, in a snow drift -20 degrees 2600 meters up a mountain by some German bloke who couldn't believe I was still alive let alone back on it, in the boozer the next night!!! You alive, I can't believe it! That's what desperados do to you!!! It's Mexican beer with a shot of tequila in it.
So if there are any single girls here this evening wishing to buy me a drink! Mine's a desperado.

Ross always looks after his best mate.

Ross's ability to drink alcohol is unparalled by any man I have ever met. I admit it!! Ross is a more hardened drinker than I, I've spent many years and hundreds of thousands of pounds trying to compete with him in that department but alas in that area of our competitive relationship I must resign myself to defeat.

Ross has a cast iron constitution, never before or after have I been more amazed than when he drank about 3 litres of a 5 litre bottle of Jack Daniels..… and survived! It was one of these huge bottles that stand upside down with an optical behind a bar. Let me just quantify that for you, That's about 4 times the liquid volume of that bottle of wine in front of you. Except it was Jack Daniels. He survived, admittedly he was wasted, told my girlfriend I was cheating on her, in one of his, this will really test your sense of humour and our friendship moments, I got slapped, so did Ross and we both woke up single and able to see the funny side.

Or the time in Tenerife when Ross was shagging my girlfriend??? That was funny. Though more funny was me trying to keep up with cast iron Ross. He drank a litre bottle of Tequila Mexical and I attempted to keep knocking them back but fell backwards out the apartment window, luckily we were only on the first floor but I came round at 2.30pm in the afternoon the next day having been cooked on one side by the ferocious mid day sun. I had third degree burns sun stroke and alcohol poisoning for two days. Ross always looked after me like that. He kindly looked after my girlfriend whilst I was incapacitated.

So, every one is now looking a little more on the edge of their seat after that one. How far is he willing to go. What could he say to Ross wriggling around in his seat cringefully wondering how far he'll go. Well here is the truth…and the truth will set you free.…

You wringling yet Ross?

The most embarrassing thing that I could think of that might actually step over the line but stepping over the line is the basis of our friendship, such a friendship relies on many things including thoughtfulness selflessness and caring about each others feelings. It's for that reason and that reason alone that I have saved the ultimate embarrassment from Ross all these years without mentioning it to him. Like a squirrel saves his nuts I have been harbouring this little beauty for many years, saving it for a suitable moment saving it for a suitable audience saving it for today.

Wriggling…? Well here we go,

Having been Ross's best friend for many years I've often slept in near proximity to Ross and even in the same bed from time to time. Now we all now that Ross's experimentation with homosexuality was not with me so that's not what this is about. More Ross's sleep talking, I spent years wondering who the person was that Ross would talk about in his sleep but never mentioned it to him whilst he was awake. Now this conversation repeated itself time and time again but I couldn't quite believe what it sounded like for it sounded like Ross was talking to his manhood, not just talking to, but from what it sounded like he had a right little relationship going with the affable little chap and he had even given him a name.

Call me a cab I'm almost done!!

Whenever I'm feeling blue I just think of this of this little guy. For years I giggled to myself but there had been no opportune moment to slip it in……to conversation and this has remained a secret to this day. Now would you like to no the name of his cheeky little chappy?
This little chaps name is Peeper!!!!

Laugh? I thought my pants would never dry! And I have a photo of Ross and Peeper having a party, would you like to see that or do you think I maybe stepping over the mark??

Is that cab here?

(Photo – Ross and Peeper forever)

Now you can all relax, the worst is over for I am almost done.

I've now got to read a few cards out…

CARDS

I'll now read out a few cards from well-wishers;

Ross – From Suzy Wang – Why you no call? why you no send money no more? When you next in bankok the kids all miss you. $5 love you long time.
-{Real Card}
– Ross Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you have made the right choice. All my love, Michael Barrymore.
– {Real Card}
– Shirley, you are up to the credit limit on your store card. Please make a payment immediately. That one's from Anne Summers.
– {Real Card}
-To Ross, Don't forget us now you're married, please renew your membership next year. Lots of love, All the girls at the Burke and Hare Strip Club Edinburgh.

Ok so before I make the toast..…

Firstly I need to thank a few people.

Ross's Dad, David thanks for helping to make the stag do an unforgettable day. I'm not even going to comment. But this picture is not too dissimilar.

Ross's Mum who has gone to such great efforts and I'm sure you'll agree it has been and hopefully following this speech will remain an unforgettable experience.

I'd like to thank Ross's Mum and Dad collectively for giving me my best mate. An unforgettable experience.

I'd like to thank Shirley's parents who I have only just met, for giving my best mate his best girl mate.

The bridesmaids again I am awestruck and will be weighting wishfully in room 201.

Everyone for coming here today and helping Ross and Shirley consume £15k worth of party. No half messures! This party will continue long into the night.

Shirley… thank you for making Ross so happy. These years you have been around have been the best and will continue to get better. Take with you my best mate and look after him for me. You can loan me him back from time to time and I look forward to sharing him with you in the future.

Ross, enough said mate.… Well done. Incomprehendible. I only hope I've done you proud. I'm sure you'll return the favour one day.

So ladies and gentlemen if you would please stand up and raise your glasses.…

Ross and Shirley Smith you make the perfect couple and I say on behalf of everyone in this room today, we wish you all the love and happiness in the world, enjoy it.

To Ross and Shirley Smith