Speech by Roger Emett

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Roger Emett
Speech Date: Oct2004
Friday 8th October 2004
Father Sean, distinguished guests, those of dubious distinction and those of no distinction, family, relatives, in-laws and outlaws, young and old, friends, friends of friends, freeloaders and hangers-on – let me extend a very warm welcome to you all, especially those who have travelled from England and America to join us for Tara and Dermot's wedding celebration today.

Winston Churchill was apparently asked to address a prep school and he got up and said, “Never, Never, Never give up!” then he sat down.

Well you are not going to get away quite as easily as that, but I will try to be brief. I'm only going to speak for a few minutes because of my throat …if I go on too long the Chief Bridesmaid has threatened to cut it.

I've tried to memorise this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes every five seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me, but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far … and neither does my eyesight.

I know I speak on behalf Bernadette and the rest of Tara's family when I say how proud we are today to see Tara looking so radiant and beautiful, now married to Dermot.

During the time we have known him we have come to realise how special he is to Tara, and everyone can see how they are made for each other. He is really likeable and easy going, and we are happy to welcome him formally into our family.

At this point in the proceedings, it is traditional to bring up an embarrassing moment from Tara's past or to highlight strange character traits so that we can all have a laugh at her expense. On the basis she probably has as much on me as I do on her, and in the interests of self-preservation I am going to skip that bit.

The year Tara was born disposable plastic razors were invented by Gillette, the 3 day working week was introduced in the UK, free family planning became available on the NHS, scientists proved that CFC's destroy the Ozone layer, and Kate Moss was born.

The year Dermot was born the film Ben Hur won 10 Oscars, the word “catsuit“ was added to the English dictionary, the Royal Shakespeare Company was founded, National Service ended in the UK, Alfred Hithcock's “Psycho” was released and Doc Martens boots were launched on an unsuspecting public in the UK.

When Tara and Clare were young we tried to ensure that they wore shoes that did not restrict or squeeze their feet. DMs and similar shoes were worn for everyday wear although they had their “fashion” shoes for going out on special and other occasions when required. Imagine our consternation when going out for a visit which required smart casual as against jeans and jumpers to find pretty dresses and …yes you guessed it… the dreaded DM's. We were in the car when the strange footwear was discovered to our horror when we had assumed they would be wearing shoes of a somewhat more formal appearance, which would have been more appropriate. Imagine our faces, when enquiring as to why they were wearing their DM's which looked somewhat incongruous with their pretty dresses, to hear a small voice from the back seat remind us they were only doing what we had always insisted, by wearing shoes that gave their feet room to grow and not be tight or restrictive…

Dermot will be aware that Tara loves clothes – especially shoes. She dresses to kill – beware Dermot I am told she cooks the same way.

I would like to offer up a few worldly thoughts and advice about marriage. I've been married a good few years and feel I am just about getting the hang of it, so here goes.…

To Tara:
If you want something from Dermot, ask for it. Remember, Dermot is a man, hints do not work.

You will find in your marriage that you make all the minor decisions while Dermot makes all the major decisions. Dermot, you will find out that all future decisions turn out to be of a minor nature.

And finally to Tara, the definition of a perfect wife is one who helps her husband with the dishes .…

To Dermot:
You should consider the words of Oscar Wilde “Women are meant to be loved, not understood.”

Marriage will bring you many things, loyalty, self restraint, obedience and a whole host of other virtues you wouldn't have needed had you stayed single.

Now that you are married, Tara will always have the last word in any argument – any word that you come out with afterwards is by default, the start of the next argument!

Remember, when you buy her flowers . . . it proves you are guilty but of course, beware the far more serious consequences of not buying her flowers!.

Put the seat down after you.

Some husbands have all the answers….They've been listening for years.

Remember a happy marriage is one of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes !

And remember those two invaluable words “yes dear”.

I am reminded of what Billy Connelly said of marriage: “Marriage is a wonderful invention, but then again so is a bicycle repair kit”

One of Groucho Marx well remembered comments – “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution ?”

And Oscar Wilde said – “the man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him !!”

Proper Advice? Well, just keep four things in mind .…
The first is love, closely followed by friendship, then tolerance, and then communication. Easy to say – but they can be quite hard to carry out. You must both realise that marriage isn't easy, but it's not impossible. Many of us know that everyone faces ups and downs in a life commitment.

There is no secret to a happy marriage. You'll both have to work at it, like many of us.

Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person it is a matter of being the right person.

There is no challenge in a marriage that cannot be overcome by the following three, three-word sentences.
These are:
I was wrong!
You were right!
I love you!

When Children find true love,
Parents find true joy.

Tara and Dermot,
Here's to your love and our joy,
Here's to the past for all that you've learned
Here's to the present for all that you share
And here's to the future for all that you can look forward to together.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding, and raise your glasses to Tara and Dermot