Speech by Roger Hunt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Roger Hunt
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, Lindsey and Jan, I'd like to thank John for his kind words. I'm sure that you'll all agree that both Lindsey and Jan are looking fantastic and I'm certainly looking forward to the first dances. I can't go any further without mentioning Martin's new wife Karen. She looks stunning although still a bit shocked after marrying Martin today. I'd also like to say how good Martin is looking but I'm not one to lie so I won't.

I'd like to thank those who have spent the last week or so traveling the world to get to this wedding: the Kiwi contingent – Marie and Noel and all Karen's family. A special mention must also go out to Gareth who from what I gather has used every method of transport with the exception of space travel to arrive from Wales. Don't worry Gareth we've had a whip round and hired you a Sinclair C5 for your return journey!!

A couple of folk have kindly sent telegrams which I will read out for Karen and Martin.

[Insert fakes with legitimate telegrams]

“Karen, have a great day but don't forget the good times”. That's from a J Lomu.

“Would have loved to have been there on your Wedding Day but never received an invite”, and that one's from a Russell Latapy.

Right! That's enough niceties – now time to get ripped into my great buddy and end our friendship in ten minutes!

Let me introduce myself to those who don't know me or haven't seen me on Crimewatch UK. I'm Roger and Martin asked me to be his best man 6 months ago which cost me several LARGE brandies as I showed my appreciation at having this honour bestowed on me. You would think that 6 months is suitable time to prepare a ten-minute speech – believe me it's not!

To be honest I'm surprised to be here at all. Firstly I never received an invite, an innocent oversight – or more likely Martin was rather prudent on the stamp buying front. Secondly two weeks ago I received a citation to appear as a witness at Edinburgh Sheriff Court between the 19th and 22nd of June, so if anyone sees any police with warrants for my arrest distract them and I will do a bunk through this window.

Martin was born on the 12th January 1974 to Flora's disgust. She had only just recovered from the Xmas festivities and then had to give birth – one second old and already a black mark against his name. I checked out what happened around the time of Martin's arrival on planet Earth and the only thing I found that interested me was that the Playmate for January 1974 was Nancy Cameron, 35-23-35, although I'm sure Martin new that anyway.

In my attempts to slur Martin's early childhood I confronted Donald on the promise of a pint to divulge everything that Martin would rather I didn't mention. From what I gather Martin, you weren't very controversial as a toddler – how things change! All I could uncover may shock many of you although it explains much that happened in the ensuing 25 years. Martin used to like oranges when he was young, fair enough many of us like oranges, but Martin never ate them, he used to like having oranges thrown at him by his mum! I believe you will be suing Tango for breach of copyright tomorrow.

I've known Martin since we were 5 and at primary school together, although in different classes. He was one of those ideal pupils who loved to brown nose teachers, especially Mrs Kelly who wasn't a bad looker! It was probably Martin's first true love – both loved sport, especially badminton. One afternoon when in primary six my class were out playing football when Martin lead out his conscripts outnumbering us 3:1. He marched his classmates onto the pitch and a bloodbath ensued!! After five minutes of pre-teen warfare it was noted that Martin had vanished, where had the William Wallace of class 6a gone? Curious, all enemies shook hands and went looking for this deserter. He was eventually found in the school gym playing badminton with his love, Mrs Kelly, 25 years his senior.

To give Martin as much stick as possible I would like to recall some of ‘Martin's Classics’ from high school – some may not even be true, but who cares!

Martin was very shock-worthy: he passed out in science when the teacher inflated a sheep's lungs with a foot pump. Claiming this to be a one-off he then followed up one week later by passing out again when seeing footage of President Kennedy having his brains blown out.

Martin was always a hit the ladies (an easy kick-in that is). In first year he insulted a girl in his class and had to run between classes to avoid fighting her. A trait I am sure he will do his utmost to avoid doing after today.

He did have his romantic times with the ladies also. Karen, cover your ears! At one party he went to the toilet with a rather ‘stunning’ girl only to take up residence for the entire night. Not a good ploy when some dodgy home brew was making the rounds that night!! You've still never explained what went on in there.

Edinburgh has always been held in high regard by Martin, indeed he even ran a tour bus on one night. Well he was a very vocal guide and the tour bus was actually a night bus. Not too much to see at 3 in the morning Martin but you certainly entertained the boys whilst offending almost everyone else on the bus.

Martin left high school with an A, a B, a C and an F – alcoholism, bollocks, Conservatism and, well this isn't the time and the place to talk about his F.

He then left me for the first time in 14 years – about bloody time!! He left Waverley Station and three and a half hours later found himself in Sheffield where he was to spend the next few years of his life. He studied Erban Studies at Sheffield University. I never asked him what his course entailed but I decided to do some groundwork. After many seconds I discovered what a dirty git Martin was. Erban Studies is in fact an anagram of breast undies. So Karen, under my contrived imagination, you've married a man who studied women's bras for four years of his life!

Martin began a streak of break-ins in Sheffield. Amazingly enough all these criminal achievements were done whilst completely pissed out of his mind!! The first break-in was Brammall Lane, Sheffield United's ground where I gather you left with a rather huge souvenier – the club badge! On a return to Edinburgh he found himself on the way home from the pub playing football in Tynecastle the home of Martin's favourite football team – Heart of Midlothian. Martin also told me that when on holiday to Barcelona with Karen 18 months ago he broke into the San Siro, although he did tell me never to mention this to anyone!!

Now when I think of Martin I think of class, pure class. He oozes the stuff. Now when Martin decided to go to Sheffield for his stag do I thought ‘top idea’. When he decided to book a function room for the Friday night I thought ‘very Martin’. When we arrived at the Lord Nelsons in the middle of an industrial estate, with criminal clientele, a buffet set for a prison and the threat of death looming over you at every instant I thought ‘very, very Martin’.

The stag do was a great success which was proved when Martin and I looked like death cooled down on the train on the way home. We played football on the Friday and got drunk on the Friday night. We watched football on the Saturday and got drunk on the Saturday night – what a weekend! The only thing that Martin regretted on that wonderful weekend was that he missed his favourite film Goldfinger although he saw it 6 weeks later when it was reshown.

Well all the fun and laughter is over Martin. After this day I will only be able to see you every first Tuesday of the month, and that's only if Karen doesn't have you slaving away in the kitchen, while she's out galavanting up the town. You may think I'm kidding but I was round at their place last week and hardly saw Martin – he was washing dishes most the night. Karen you've worked wonders on your man.

Karen can I finally leave you with this interesting quote that I came across in my in depth research which I think you will relate to: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it."

I'd like to offer Martin advice for his future life with Karen but if he used it my life would not be worth living so I'll let him take advice from others with a bit more responsibility.

I offer my thanks to everyone that has helped make this wedding the success that it has been and respect is due to you all for putting up with my nonsensical chat.

It's a fact that I would like everyone to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the happy couple.

May your love be lovely and may you stay together for eternity!

Karen and Martin.

aside. 50,000,000 pints please barman..…