Speech by Ron Fenton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ron Fenton
Speech Date: Apr 1999
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me my name is Ron and I'm acting as John's best man. It is said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it. Well the Queen Mother was busy today so here I am.

I've only been asked to be best man once before and when my mate told his wife she just burst into tears, needless to say that was the end of that. Well many years have passed since then and I have mellowed, so I guess John figured I was a safe bet and wouldn't get him into too much trouble. ** GRIN ** What a fool! He has been to see on several occasions since he asked me to do this to tell me what I can and can not talk about. He forgot about the coach trip with the stripper who had a glass eye but out of respect for John I won't talk about anything that happened on that trip.

Before I continue with John's character assassination, I would like to thank Emily the beautiful Brides Maid and Ben the handsome Page Boy for performing their duties so well throughout the day.

I first met John about 14 years ago when I got home one day and he was painting my windows! He then proceeded to try and sell me a boat. Now as the discussion went on, and the price was dropping I managed to get out of him that the boat only had half an engine. Anyway we settled on a price and went to see the boat. Guess what? It wasn't there and he tried to give me some lame excuse. Now I'm not saying that John is dodgy, but it is a bit of a coincidence that he was born in August 1963 during the same week as the Great Train Robbery took place. If ever their was an omen then their it is.

I shouldn't be nasty to John though as I am only standing here today because of him in more ways than one. Some years ago he actually saved my life thanks to his expert driving. I know some of you will know what happened but for those of you who don't here it is. We were travelling back from the South of France, John was driving, towing our boat. The back axle fell off the boat trailer pulling the boat and the car all over the place. Thanks to Johns expert control of the car he somehow managed to manoeuver it to the hard shoulder. I am sure that my wife Debbie, myself and John would not be here today if it was not for his skill. I have not forgotten that John and on behalf of Debbie and I, I would like to take this opportunity to formally thank you. ….pause shake his hand… Cheers mate .… However ….… one thing that is never far from my mind is that at the time of this incident it was pouring with rain, torrential rain as hard as I have ever seen, we were doing 90 mph, in the outside lane towing a two ton boat with a flimsy car! Oh and the driver (the idiot that he was) was overtaking a huge great lorry. He nearly bloody killed me! What a prick.

A few weeks ago when we were discussing the wedding and marriage in general the whole thing was nearly called off. John was saying how stressful arranging things was becoming for him and I told him that everybody gets stressed preparing for weddings. I just mentioned that the whole thing was a rather taxing time for everybody involved. No sooner had the word taxing left my mouth and John was remonstrating. “Oh sod that he said, I don't want anything to do with that tax business!” It took some convincing on my part for him to go ahead with the wedding.

Having had a twelve year long engagement myself before tying the knot I did have some advice for John (and I must apologise to Christine for this, you have to understand Chris it was just bloke talk). I did actually suggest to John that if he has any doubts about getting married that he should buy a dog instead and pointed out the numerous advantages, such as dogs don't shop, pause dogs like it when you come in drunk and start stroking e them, pause and best of all you can call a dog by your last dogs name and they don't mind, well the list just goes on forever. I'm glad to say that he didn't listen to me and thankfully he chose to go ahead with the wedding. I would point out though that he already has two dogs and a parrot and in the past has had three ducks a cockatoo and a perverted rabbit. Well that's not really fair on the rabbit and anyway John's and the rabbits’ private lives are their own so I won't go into that. Maybe you should ask him later. Before I get into real trouble over this rabbit business I better move on.

Now Christine and John will be the first to admit that they are not mere youngsters setting out on the road to adulthood, so it's fair to say that their must be some past history here.

*** BIG GRIN***

Because of this I took the opportunity to place an advert in the local newspaper. It read as follows:-

Notice to the ladies of xxxxxxxxxxx. Former bachelor extraordinair John xxxx xxxxx 14 xxxxxx Road, xxxxxxx is getting married on 27th March 1999 to Christine xxxxxx. Would those of you still retaining keys to his house kindly return them to the address below before this date. If you would like to add a message wishing him well please do so.

Pull out big bag of keys.

Then I pulled out a key with a nice thong attached to it with a note saying good luck John.

Next I pulled out a key with handcuffs attached to it with a note saying you can have these but I am keeping the whip.

Next a pair of mens underpants – this one is for Chris.

Lastly A key attached to the biggest pair of women knickers I could buy. I said nothing but just gave him a disgusted look.

On a serious note I can remember a football manager from the past named John Bond being interviewed just after being stabbed in the back by one of his so called friends. During the interview he was quite philosophical about the whole thing and said something that I have never forgotten. He said that in life you can count your true friends on one hand, these being people who will drop whatever they are doing and do all they can to help you in your hour of need. All the others you think are friends are really just acquaintances. Well I count myself lucky to have four such friends and John is top of the pile and he has proved it on numerous occasions. I can tell you that when he told me that he and Christine were getting married no one was happier than me, besides them that is. John, your an excellent friend and in Christine you have found a lovely caring person who deserves a good husband. Thank God you've married her before she finds one. If everyone could now join me in a toast to John and Christine, Mr. & Mrs. Fxxxxx no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Reading the cards I threw a few extras in.

This one is from Emma & Kevin John, Love is all about honour, get on her and stay on her

From Albi & Nicole I hope your marriage is blessed with luck And trust that Chris is a very good … cuck I hope that John is willing and able and I recommend the top of the table It's the best place for that earth moving .… Enough of that

From John's mate Pete Best wishes to you both John, It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows very little about women or fractions Good luck