Speech by Ron Henley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ron Henley
Speech Date: oct 2004
Ladies and gentlemen, I can't begin to tell you how much I've been looking forward to this moment.

I am the better of the best men and for those of you who don't know me my name is Roy.

Before I start, I would like first to compliment the bridesmaids on how beautiful they look and what a wonderful job they have done today.

I also have to say, and I'm sure you will all agree, that J*** looks absolutely stunning.
R**, you are a lucky man indeed..… (pause for hear hear)

While I'm at it I'd like to congratulate the ushers on a job well done.
Lads, you did a great job of that really tricky task of ensuring that everyone sat down.

Since I was asked to be best man I have had many a sleepless day at work trying to figure out exactly what to say about this man R**. Rest assured that, unlike many best man speeches that are full of sexual innuendo I promised R** and J*** that if there is anything even slightly risqué….… I'd whip it out immediately.…

I've had the pleasure of knowing R** for going on 32 years now. In fact we were born just 2 days apart………..… age before beauty I always say and let me make it quite clear that R** is the one who is 2 days older than me……

As I said, I've known R** for my whole life and I've been there for all his major achievements, from his first fight at school, his first and only croquet championship win at scouts…(look up)………our first arrest for breach of the peace and subsequent night in the cells at Greenock Police station and finally to this monumentous day itself.

I've thought long and hard about how I would describe R** and I have selected a few choice terms that I think best sum up R**s…em.… Unique,..… personality :

Number one, …….Intelligent – R** is nothing, if not well read, and as well as the mountain of books that R** has read he has also started more University degrees than anyone I know……………and I'm sure one day……….… he'll finish at least one of them.

Number two,..… Non conformist – R**s attitude to work is unique and he certainly hasn't opted for the standard career choices. At school he had decided that he was going to be a professional BMX rider, but his inability to do a wheeley quickly put paid to that idea.

Next, he was going to be an Archaeologist, and off he went to taste student life in Southampton. A year later and he had realised that Archaeologists don't actually lead the Indiana Jones style life he'd imagined he informed me that he was changing career.

‘Maritime studies was going to be the career for him’,
‘Why maritime studies? I had asked’
‘because the sea ………..is calling me he replied’

This was it, this was the direction that he needed,…………..well..… at least until he failed his exams and decided that it probably hadn't been the sea calling him at all…….it had more likely been Robin asking to mooch another beer.

From Maritime studies he kept with the water theme though and moved into commercial diving. This would be it, definitely this time….… a couple of months of dredging dead fish from the bottom of Scottish fish farms and this dream died as well.

But I have to say, I really respect R** for at least trying … and I'm sure J*** could vouch for just how trying he can be.

Number three,…… Careless – If there is one thing that R** has shown over the years it is that he should not be trusted with any important items. Never.… give him your passport.

For those of you lucky enough to have been at the World Cup in France in ’98, you would have seen R** at his all time careless best.

Within 72 hours of arrival, R** had already lost Graeme, leaving him to sleep in a hedge on the Champs Elysees.

24 hours later and R** had lost all his money to an unscrupulous French pickpocket.

Not to worry , at least he still had his passport and clothes and the rest of us would help him out.

Off to Bordeaux to get ourselves prepared for the big Scotland Norway qualifier, but R**, not underestimating his own ability to lose important things cleverly put his passport and valuables in his rucksack which he put in the left luggage at the station.

After a day of drinking the native ‘desperados’, an inspired French mix of lager and tequila, we set off to watch a classic one all draw between the 2 footballing giants that are Scotland and Norway.

By the time the final whistle was blown it was chaos and thousands of drunken Scotland fans poured through the streets, and R**,..… who had had a few shandies, stopped to sign a Norway flag and lost the rest of us.

..but this is the kind of situation where R** excels, and he didn't disappoint this time round. Having swapped his top with a Norweigan fan and wearing a straw hat that he had somehow found on his one man pub crawl, R** managed to get robbed again. Now penniless, his only hope was to meet us at the station and collect his rucksack before the left luggage closed.

As the rest of us sat on the train as it pulled out of Bordeaux station we saw the last rucksack being taken from left luggage and being deposited on the platform …yip.… R**’s rucksack.

Of course, this was then stolen….… and it is a credit to R**’s inherent survival skills that he somehow got himself back to the Greenock……..… a week later……… still wearing a pair of sandals, his kilt, a beer stained Norway top and his beloved straw hat.

That brings me to my final description of R**. This sums up how I have seen R** on more occasions than I care to remember. Number four on my list…………….naked!

I have never met anyone with a stronger desire to get his clothes off at almost every inopportune moment imaginable. I'm sure the poor people of Greenock,.. Gourock…, Glasgow…, Edinburgh…., Inverary…., Stirling.… and indeed Washintgon have had the misfortune to look out their windows at some point and see a streaking white figure run by.

One particular vision that haunts me to this day is of a naked R**, and his friend ‘the duke’, standing waist deep in Loch Fyne with a toilet seat round his neck watching the sunrise over Inverary. Truly an image for the Scottish tourist board.

That brings me to the end of my character assassination so on a more serious note I'd just like to say, R**, we've had some excellent adventures together and I know that we will have more in the future . You've been a good friend to me over the years and it is a great honour to be your best man.

Before I finish I have to say how happy I am for both R** and J***. They have decided to spend the rest of their lives together and they have very kindly chosen to invite us all to join them in celebrating this special day.

Ladies and Gentleman, would you all please stand, raise your glasses and join me in wishing the new Mr and Mrs H******* all the best for their future together.

The bride and groom..…