Speech by Ron Wiltshire

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ron Wiltshire
Speech Date: Sep2007
Props required 12 house keys , 2 wedding cards , one old membership card to anywhere one large eraser and a packet of 3 small erasers. Hand 11 keys out to non related guests at the start of the day.

Hello everybody firstly I'd also like to take this opportunity to say and I am sure that you will all agree that the bridesmaids look absolutely fantastic today and the bride herself looks so stunning and as for Lee . . ………………He's just stunned………..… On behalf of the bridesmaids &amp myself I would like to thank Cat &amp Lee for asking us to be involved on this their unique &amp very special day – now down to business.

Good afternoon ladies &amp gentlemen &amp for those of you that don't know me my name is Ron , also known as Rocket – Sad sack – Crusty, nicknames given to me by Lee when we worked together at Midland Mainline……….Lee only ever had one nickname , he was known to us all as God . . . . . . .thats because if he did any work . . . . . . . . . it was a bloody miracle………

In preparing for today I was worried about how long this speech should be but I've been told that it should only last as long as the groom takes to perform his martial duties on his wedding night…….look at watch and I think I've over run already so thank you all for coming and I‘ll catch you later.. sit for 5 seconds . . . . . . . . . . .

No seriously though
Months ago when Lee asked me to be his best man I was so proud , what an honour..… but then he asked me what nice things would I be saying about him , would I be telling you all how nice he is ? . . .this from a man that when we worked together onboard trains would pass wind and lock me in the kitchen , put black pudding in my hat , try to rip my waistcoat , pick his nose and show me , cheat at cards &amp even one day passed me in his car in the pouring rain because he couldn't be bothered to stop ! ! So back to nice things &amp after all these months . . . . . . sorry Lee I still can't think of anything . . . BUT as a dutiful best man I contacted lots of old work colleagues who all said the same thing. . . . . . . . . . . . . Lee who ?

I asked his mum and dad if they had any nice photos of him that I could use today and they had this really cute one of him lying on a sheepskin rug eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling…….I was going to get it blown up to show you all but then I thought it might be too embarrassing. . . . . as it was only taken last week……………………………………

Then I contacted his old school to see if they had any nice things to say and they found an old report which they read out over the phone , and I was pleased to hear “Lee is an ideal pupil who excels in most subjects…….no sorry they said I had heard it wrong Lee is an idol pupil who's been expelled in most subjects. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As some of you may know he has now taken up so I asked his golf partner Dan for any nice comments but he said Lee would be better off taking up the javelin as he can throw his club further than he can hit the ball !

Still I kept searching for those nice things and eventually a letter arrived telling me that Lee was a gentleman , warm , kind , polite , generous and always eager to please . . . . . . . . . . . and that's from all the girls at The Spearmint Rhino Club who send their love. . . . . . . oh and enclose your new membership card . .… . . . . . . . .

When we worked together we spent many hours talking about our lovelives , I told him all about my wife Margaret , how we met and how happy we were and Lee would babble on about the love in his life , how it was love at first sight and how he would spend hours looking at her with her top off and how he fell for her when he first set eyes on her in the showroom ! Yes you got it . . . he was talking about . . . his car . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

But I have to say how lucky you are Lee because you will leave here today having gained a wife that is attractive , smart , loving , caring and who radiates beauty wherever she goes AND Cat how lucky you are . . You leave today having gained . . . . A new dress and a bouquet of flowers. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Only last week I asked them both what they wanted out of marriage and Cat said she wanted a long lasting loving relationship and Lee said he wanted . . . a toaster and a microwave !

So Lee and Cat finally got married for better or worse which is quite appropriate really as Lee couldn't have done any better and Cat . . couldn't have done any worse

How am I doing so far Lee ? I have to ask that as he did say that if I did a good job today then I can be the best man at his next wedding. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now before we go any further marriage means what happened in the past stays in the past no questions asked and now that these two lovely people have finally tied the knot they have agreed to forgive each others past indiscretions So if anyone was ever given a key to their house will they please return it to me now and no more will be said . . . . . . . . . . . oh I feel it is only fair to return the key that I have. . . . . Sorry Lee. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I was talking to Cats dad earlier and he was saying as a young girl she was never as happy as when she had her dummy with her……Some things never change he said look how happy she is today . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

On a serious note Lee thinks I am joking when I say I love him but I do because he was there when Midland Mainline turned me down for a permanent job , he was there when I was refused promotion , he was there when I ripped my waistcoat and he was even there for me when I suffered an heart attack…… You know I have just realised he's a bloody jinx . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Seriously though Lee you have been a friend to me over the years and it has been an honour and a privilege being your best man today and you have also given me another friend in Cat and I hope our friendship lasts for many years to come. I also want to wish you both all the happiness in the world for your future together.

And as I come to the end of my speech it is tradition to give some advice to the newly weds and I shall pass on the two things my dear old mum said to me.

1. Never go to bed on an argument…….always stay up and argue !

2. Hold up eraser my mum told me to get a rubber when I was 16 and always carry it in my pocket ,I don't know why but I have done and tend to think it has bought me some luck so to give you even more luck I've got you a packet of 3.

I would now like to read some cards

1. To Cat we could have been so good together , give me a call if he goes off the boil. Love Brad Pitt.

2. Lee will miss you at the pool parties lots of love Michael Barrymore.

On behalf of the bride &amp groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their very special day and a massive thank you to everyone who has contributed and made the occasion so wonderful.
Now if you will all be upstanding &amp join me in a toast to the bride &amp groom , the new Mr &amp Mrs Chesman